The Joke Thread

[Chief Engineer]

Saturday Night the Women's Sodality will host a peter pulling at St. Taffys Church Hall

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be se en in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[mmckee1952]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'dave,' he replies...

'Dave what?' the officer asks.

'Just dave,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, dave, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born dave
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Dave Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Dave Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Dave Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just dave.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[ColdFusion]

Now that made me laugh

[NW Craig]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7 IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Sea Wolf]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Eating Chinese







Chicken Surprise





A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.





The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.





'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.




Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.







'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'





The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'





(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)





'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

[mmckee1952]

The Advantages of living after 50!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!



Or 70 creeping up on who knows what?..



01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.



02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.



03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.



04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"



05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.



06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.



07. Things you buy now won't wear out.



08. You can eat supper at 4 pm .



09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.



10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.



11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.



12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.



13. You sing along with elevator music.



14. Your eyes won't get much worse.



15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.



16.. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.



17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either..



18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.



19. You can't remember who sent you this list.



20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.



Forward this to every one you can remember right now!


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[mickmul]

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi just as it was going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an Opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. Hewould never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f---ing widow."

[mmckee1952]

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 54 years ago!


'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down inTexas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

[gbendaly]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his Rabbi how he can tell
if his bride is a virgin.

The Rabbi says, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of
blue paint and a shovel.'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The Rabbi replied, before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue, and if she says,
"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel."
--

[gbendaly]

certain definitions:

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they
are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men
have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are
not located in her chest.
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be ‘playing hard to get’.
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

[David_Old_Jersey]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked?'

[Sea Wolf]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your Mittens?"


He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[mmckee1952]

HOW IS NORMA?


A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?= "

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room.."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

[First Mate]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home inTexas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'