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dazed&confused · 20-10-2009, 14:23

cop walks up to a car that's run off the side of the road into a ditch. he pulls the door open and helps the young blonde woman out. "ma'am, what happened?" he askes nervously. "I saw a tree, so I swerved to avoid it, but then I saw another. it kept happening till I hit the ditch, then the car stopped" the blonde said, sounding scarred. the officer looks up both sides of the road, then looks in the car. he imediatley notices the pine tree air freshner.

Sea Wolf · 21-10-2009, 07:33

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Chief Engineer · 21-10-2009, 18:48

Can somebody tell me where the Joke is about liver and cheese?

"Liver alone, cheese mine!!!!!!

TaoJones · 21-10-2009, 18:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chief Engineer

Can somebody tell me where the Joke is about liver and cheese?

"Liver alone, cheese mine!!!!!!

It's a play on words, Chief. ("Leave her alone, she's mine!") Like a lot of the "jokes" that get posted to this thread, the humor is pretty thin.

TaoJones

**Ex-Calif** · 21-10-2009, 19:18

People version -

There were three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - A guy, B guy, and C guy. They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. They make a bet on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overhears them, so she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."

So A guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese." The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

The B guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress is like, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"

Then the C guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

{edited for correctness!}

Dog Version -

Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"

The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."

"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"

The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"

The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

I agree with TaoJones - pretty thin...

Chief Engineer · 21-10-2009, 20:09

Thank you, It is all in the deLIVERy.

One must speak like how a Lab or Golden

Labspeak is deep and kinda backwoods

Goldenspeak is high pitched preppie

Chihuahua espeak as been a berry berry eacy por me.

S/V_Surya · 22-10-2009, 05:07

Subject: How I Learned to Mind My Own Business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
~
~
~
~
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14'...

mmckee1952 · 22-10-2009, 07:51

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be se en in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

mmckee1952 · 23-10-2009, 06:57

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun

if he had a pet..

So he went to the pet store

and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,

he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug),

which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

He took the box back home,

found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go

to church with me today?

We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

"HowB about going

to church with me

and receive blessings?"

But again,

there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited

a few minutes more,

thinking about the situation.

The guy decided

to invite the centipede

one last time.

This time

he put his face up against

the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey,B in there!

Would you like to go

to church with me

and learn about God?"

... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...

This time,

a little voice

came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

Sea Wolf · 26-10-2009, 06:14

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

First Mate · 27-10-2009, 10:26

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

First Mate · 27-10-2009, 10:27

A dandy seaman meets a pirate in a bar and they are taking turns boasting about how tough they are and exchanging lies in general in their sea stories.

Finally the totally soused seaman takes note of the pirates peg leg, hook, and eye patch (this is an old joke - I'm really sorry folks).

So being an insensitive drunk, Popeye asks the old pirate: "dude, how'd you get the wooden leg...hic" as he swayed back and forth with one hand on the bar and the other gripping his glass of foamy suds.

"AAARRRRR!" came the response, as the pirate leaned so close to respond that even the drunken sailor was a bit taken aback.

"aaarrrr....yes....around Cape Horn it were -" the pirate leaned back and related a long winded story of being swept over board in a vicious storm and partially eaten by sharks before he was washed ashore and later saved by missionaries on shore.

Popeye, in a drunken stupor did not give up. "So - ow'd you end up wid a hook for a hand mate?"

The pirate grabbed Popeye's collar with a swift move of his hook and pulled the sailor to his face. "Saddam had me hand chopped off when I was caught stealin' one of 'is cache's 'o gold matie - I weren't fast enuf to get away that day to save me hand but I gots meself away before 'e got me life...." He dropped the sailors collar. Popeye fell back to the bar stool.

"Well, - so how'd ye git the eye patch?"

"arrrrr....wellll matie. that's a mite embarrasin to relate. sorry."

"ah c'mon. ya tole me everthin else! why hold back now?"

"....aarrr...awright. It were sea gull poop in me eye what did it."

".....sea gull poop...I know it's hardn'er hell to get off me bimini, but it aint that nasty. c'mon. what did it man?"

"...it were sea gull poop awright that did it matie.....it were the first day ater I got me hook for me chopped off hand"

Sea Wolf · 27-10-2009, 15:42

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.'He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests