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Old 08-09-2009, 11:59   #466
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Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my

porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FREAKIN' PORRIDGE YET"
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Old 08-09-2009, 12:09   #467
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10% of all accidents are caused by drink. This means that 90% of all accidents are not caused by drink. It realy is safer to drink than not to.
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Old 08-09-2009, 13:58   #468
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm OK but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say?' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's just arrived.'
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Old 08-09-2009, 15:03   #469
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Wine flu

WARNING:
After a dinner party last night, where I, and other guests, enjoyed
copious amounts of alcohol, I awoke this morning not feeling well, with
what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills,
sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested
positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an
isolated case.


Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others
diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs,
experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However,
should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take
some Nurofen. [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been
proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are reporting that
a McDonald's Happy Meal, reheated Indian or left over pizza can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can
be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application
of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been
shown to do the trick.
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Old 09-09-2009, 07:57   #470
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Guts or Balls



There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
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Old 10-09-2009, 04:37   #471
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:36   #472
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Medical Students
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought I just had GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:01   #473
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The Broken Lawn Mower



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.



I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'You might as well sweep the driveway."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:05   #474
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand newstud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
>
> 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
> The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
> ALL of these chickens.
> Look what it has done to me
> Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
>
>
>
> The young rooster says,
> 'Beat it: You are washed up
> And I am taking over.'
>
> The old rooster says,
> 'I tell you what, young stud.
> I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
> The young rooster laughs.
> 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
> So, just to be fair,
> I will give you a head start.'
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
> They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
>
>
> He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
> When he sees the roosters running by.
>
> The Old Rooster is squawking
> And running as hard as he can.
> The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
> - BOOM -
> He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
> 'Dammit......
> Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
> Moral of this
> Story? ....
> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
> Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
> Always overcome youth and arrogance!
> OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:36   #475
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Tom Jones goes into the doctors office and says'Doc i cant stop singing the Green Green grass of home, is it common'? Doc says ' Its not unusual'
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:37   #476
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A man goes to the doctors and says 'I think ive got dingy fever' Doc says, go home and lilo.
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:21   #477
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A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another Survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing." Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And My trousers?" "OK" At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way." "OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts: "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:47   #478
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LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'



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Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

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How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!





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Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

[http://sz0055.wc.mail.comcast..net/s...5103&part=2.3]

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Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Another completely brilliant question!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

This is a very special statement!!!!!!!!!







And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along.
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Old 11-09-2009, 09:47   #479
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Some pithy comments from my favourite US Presidential candidate:

"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
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Old 11-09-2009, 11:01   #480
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Some pithy comments from my favourite US Presidential candidate:

"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"
Alfred E. Newman, undoubtedly one of the better-informed candidates to run for the Presidency, has always had a way with words!

BTW - if you re-arrange the letters of "Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!" it spells out:

"I am the Winston's ugly-looking leg amputee. Shoe?"

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