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Old 10-04-2015, 10:24   #4741
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Re: The Joke Thread

David Beckham, when not playing football that day, decides to go horse riding.

Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete control as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria watches him admiringly.

After a while, David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse round it's neck and calls for it to stop.

Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help.

David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse's neck.

David decides his best chance is to leap away, but his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup!

David's head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is frantic and screaming!

Hearing her screams, one of the Supermarket Security Guards comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:29   #4742
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Re: The Joke Thread

Nerd Jokes!


1)It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.

2)What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3) Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”

4) Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

5)A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

6) A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

7) Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

8) A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”

9) Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10) Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.

11)How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12)Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13)Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”

14)Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”

15)Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

16)Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.

17)A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”

18)A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”

19) A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

20)There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
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Old 10-04-2015, 14:11   #4743
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Re: The Joke Thread

Saw VP Biden on the news today with a pacifier in his mouth.
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Old 10-04-2015, 15:08   #4744
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorboy1 View Post
Saw VP Biden on the news today with a pacifier in his mouth.
I was going to say "Pix or it didn't happen" . . . but then I saw the pix.

I like The Onion's long-running Biden gags:

Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster's | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bid...a-while,17996/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bid...healthy-living

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nud...ault:1:Default

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bid...ault:1:Default

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bid...ault:1:Default

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bid...ault:1:Default
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Old 10-04-2015, 15:09   #4745
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Re: The Joke Thread

My initial thoughts were:

- makes sense for him to have a pacifier
- keeps him from talking
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Old 12-04-2015, 04:41   #4746
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Re: The Joke Thread

The newlyweds had just come into the hotel room and closed the door. The hsband quickly took off his pants and said, "here put these on".

His new wife looked surprised and answered, "Honey, you know your pants don't fit me."

He replied, "You're damn right they don't, and now you know who wears the ants in this family."

She quickly reached up under her dress and pulled off her thong. Handing it to him, she said, "Here sweetheart, put this on."

He said, "Honey you know there's no way I can get into your underwear."

"You're right," she said. "And you never will get into my underwear unless you change your behavior"
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Old 13-04-2015, 05:09   #4747
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorboy1 View Post
Saw VP Biden on the news today with a pacifier in his mouth.

If only we could get one for the rest of them in DC.
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Old 15-04-2015, 07:18   #4748
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Re: The Joke Thread

in a different caliber.
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Old 16-04-2015, 19:20   #4749
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Re: The Joke Thread

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy Insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
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Old 20-04-2015, 11:15   #4750
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Re: The Joke Thread

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have six questions"
First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, and then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
"Fifth, why do you continue to cover up the Benghazi scandal?"
"Sixth, why did you spy on your own U.S. citizens?"
"And lastly, why did the IRS target Republicans?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time... Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.
Actually, I have two questions.
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 40 minutes early?"
Second, "What the Hell happened to Walter?"
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Old 21-04-2015, 23:37   #4751
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by captain58sailin View Post
Somewhere, I heard that about 10% of the over all population is gay, male or female.
So what's the other 70%...? Lesbian?????
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Old 22-04-2015, 01:05   #4752
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
Wonder if Badger's Arse toilet paper is real then.

Badger's Arse Industrial Toilet Paper - VIZ
Reminds me of John Wayne toilet paper.

Have to say this in a fake sub-continental accent....

Man works into a corner shop and asks the guy behind the counter if he sells toilet paper.

Vendor replies, in accent: "We have expensive paper from Harrods and we have John Wayne Toilet Paper"

Shopper: "John Wayne Toilet Paper? Why is it called that?"

Vendor: "Because it won't take no **** from no Indian".
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Old 23-04-2015, 01:14   #4753
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Re: The Joke Thread

[QUOTE=mmckee1952;309747
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*
12.? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[/QUOTE]

Well, they'd hardly call it UPS-Ex, would they...???
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Old 23-04-2015, 10:38   #4754
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Re: The Joke Thread

That means if there are 10 people are in your family, one of them is gay.
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Old 23-04-2015, 11:24   #4755
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wifey B:

Divorce lawyers: Ditcher, Quick and Hyde

Jack the Stripper isn't an exceptionally startling business name and most of us would guess wood stripping, but when his business is in the UK, his website on his banner reads jackthestripper.co.uk

In Moshi Tanzania, there is an oriental restaurant named, "The Golden Shower Restaurant." Apparently everyone who goes there gets really pi....ed.

In the UK, there's a clothing store, "Fashion Do Do"

Convenience store, fuel station named "Pump n Munch"

In Umitilla, Oregon you have "Tillicum Motor Inn."

"Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service."

A concrete service named "Dick's Pumping". Their slogan is "We'll put our hose anywhere."

There were two builders in Australia. Thomas Cochram and Company and Hooker Builders. They merged to be "Hooker Cochram". They now go by just Cochram.

Anyone been to "Fuku Sushi?"

This company is in Chromatography. Their name is "Analtech."

Read this one out loud, located in Bonita Beach, FL. "Master Bait and Tackle"

A convenience store chain founded in Iowa in 1959 is "Kum and Go." And copied exactly from their web site, "Kum & Go associates are passionate about serving the customers who visit our stores."

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Wonder why that business is no longer open.

Something about Sushi in Texas sort of throws me anyway, but in North Richland Hills, TX you can go to Fuk Mi Sushi and Seafood Buffet.

And what do you think will be your feeling when you get the bill from this business in Duluth, GA. "Rape Appliance".

Only the Canadians would have this, in North York, Ontario. "Beaver Cleaners."

I understand wanting your name on your business but when your name is BJ Cummings. no.

In Mount Pleasant, MI, for flooring you go to Assmann's.

"S.T.D. Contractors Servicing Group."

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Only the British with "Barf Bed and Breakfast"

Slaughter and Sons...could that be butchers? or....no, Funeral Directors

And for any of you dudes who get Bobbitted, in Portland, Oregon you can find "Dong Welding."
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