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Old 05-04-2015, 20:31   #4726
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Re: The Joke Thread

Don't forget the former Nevada Secretary of State William Swackhamer


Why can't things remain where i carelessly left them?
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Old 05-04-2015, 21:06   #4727
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Re: The Joke Thread

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scoutsare saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

Don't let worrykill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign sloganlast Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'
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Old 06-04-2015, 18:22   #4728
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
World's Scariest License Plate:
.
You know why they call it PMS?











Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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Old 06-04-2015, 21:23   #4729
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate View Post
You know why they call it PMS?


Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Know what the "P" in PMS stands for? Been trying to figure that out....

Pre

Possible

Probable

Positively

Plentiful (C'mon... EVERY 4 weeks???)

Prolonged (When does one cycle end - and the next begin???)

Prickly

Prehensile (Just checking if you're paying attention;-)

Postulate (I.E.: suggest or assume the existence, fact, or truth of (something) as a basis for reasoning or discussion! Gadzooks.)

Problematic

Preposterous

Post (Also known as Menopause. And who thought of THAT term... kind'a supposed to mean giving a pause to men? Fortunately, my wife is better in German than English. Whacky language, that English, no? ;-)
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Old 06-04-2015, 22:30   #4730
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Re: The Joke Thread

Due to the extreme drought conditions currently prevailing in CA, SpongeBob Squarepants' name has now been shortened to just "Bob."
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Old 07-04-2015, 06:07   #4731
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Re: The Joke Thread

Manopause.........?




Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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Old 07-04-2015, 09:24   #4732
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Re: The Joke Thread

(wo)men -opause
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Old 07-04-2015, 15:44   #4733
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Re: The Joke Thread

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria. "Well give me 30 Methodist, 20 Catholic and 15 Baptist, please."
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Old 07-04-2015, 15:45   #4734
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Re: The Joke Thread

There was a man who always seemed to lean slightly to the left. His friend suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked. For years he refused, saying his friend was crazy, but finally he gave in.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered that his left leg was shorter than his right. A quick bit of surgery made both legs the same length, and the man finally stood straight.

"So," the man's friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you that you leaned."

The man replied, "Nope, but I stand corrected."
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Old 07-04-2015, 15:48   #4735
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Re: The Joke Thread

A grocer put up a sign that read, "Eggplants, 25 cents each - 3 for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four eggplants for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer would capitulate and package four eggplants.

The tailor next door watched this going on all day and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign, no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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Old 07-04-2015, 16:01   #4736
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two friends go into a pastry shop. One whisks three cookies into his coat pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.

The guy says, "You see how clever I am? You can never beat that!"

The second guy says to the first, "Watch this. I'm smarter than you and I'll prove it."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for the magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie, please." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK. And now where is your famous magic trick?"

The second guy says, "Now look in my friend's coat pocket."


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Old 08-04-2015, 21:04   #4737
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Pope was having a shower, and although he is very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute' said the Pope, 'You can not do that you will destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win', said the photographer, 'I will be financially secure for the rest of my life with these photos!'

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, ;Two million Dollars.;

'TWO MILLION Dollars' replied the housekeeper, 'Wow! They must have seen you coming!'
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:20   #4738
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Re: The Joke Thread

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Carl, the hypnotist, exclaimed: “I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.” The excitement was almost electric as Carl withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Carl, the hypnotist, said: “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface... Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
shattering into a hundred pieces.

'****!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:21   #4739
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Re: The Joke Thread

I'LL DO THE DISHES
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to
the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer
tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome
on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all
he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on
the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He
happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He
readily accepts and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride
to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they
have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner
must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things
up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family.

No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws
HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the
distance.

His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets
his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
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Old 10-04-2015, 10:23   #4740
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Re: The Joke Thread

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since
she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me.
I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.
She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last
more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."
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