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Old 04-04-2015, 01:46   #4711
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3 View Post

The Dalai Lama walked into a pizza shop and asks...

"Can you make me one with everything?"
So the pizza guy does and the Dalai Lama hands him a $100 bill. The pizza guy puts the money in the till and turns away, so the Dalai Lama says "What about my change?"
.
.
.
.
.
The pizza guy replies "Change comes from within".
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Old 04-04-2015, 20:20   #4712
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Re: The Joke Thread

When we finally have to admit that it's time to move off the sailboat... we might follow this man's idea:

About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

Gratuities will average only $10 per day.

I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)

Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.

They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.

They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.

TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.

If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.

So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

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Old 04-04-2015, 20:32   #4713
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Old 04-04-2015, 20:56   #4714
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Re: The Joke Thread

World's Scariest License Plate:
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Old 04-04-2015, 21:05   #4715
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Re: The Joke Thread

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

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Old 05-04-2015, 01:21   #4716
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerald Sea View Post
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"
Jack & Jill after a 3 legged race.
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Old 05-04-2015, 06:18   #4717
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Re: The Joke Thread

The professor was well into his lecture on anatomy. Though not packed the hall had a good number of medical students spread around in amphitheater like fashion.

Down in front a young woman sat chatting away with her friend. Her chatter was somewhat disturbing, and not to the amusement of the professor. So he decided to challenge her with an anatomical question in order to get her attention and hopefully get the lecture back on track.

The professor points to her………."excuse me young lady. Can you please tell the class. When you have an orgasm…... do you know what your ******* is doing?"

Without missing a beat she replies…………."yes, he is usually out playing golf with his buddies."




(hope thats OK with the moderators??)
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Old 05-04-2015, 11:56   #4718
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Re: The Joke Thread

I've been absent for a couple of months so trying to get caught up...
True story from Vancouver, Canada... My ex had friends whose last name was Rabbit. I think he was a firefighter. His name was Jack and he married a girl named Bunny (her nickname, actually). They named their only son, Jack! Can't make this up!
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Old 05-04-2015, 14:18   #4719
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Re: The Joke Thread

I used to work with a friend........ Her name was Debbie Long. She married a fellow in the Coast Guard...... Last name Johnson.

She never heard the end of that one. Too funny.


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Old 05-04-2015, 15:45   #4720
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Re: The Joke Thread

Location: Canary Wharf in London.
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Old 05-04-2015, 15:45   #4721
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Re: The Joke Thread

This traffic light sculpture in Canary Wharf in London is located in a real roundabout - I wonder how many people have actually mistaken this sculpture for a real traffic light cluster!

And now you know — the rest of the story.....


(With apologies to Paul Harvey)
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Old 05-04-2015, 16:02   #4722
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Re: The Joke Thread

Speaking of driving motor vehicles...

What does it mean when you see an "end speed limit" sign?
Can you go as fast as you want?

Why does "speed zone ahead" mean you're going to have to slow down?


But more esoterically...

Why is it that when you give someone "a penny for their thoughts,"
they give you their "two cents worth?"

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Old 05-04-2015, 16:26   #4723
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Re: The Joke Thread

This was only a test.... Right?
.
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Old 05-04-2015, 16:46   #4724
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Re: The Joke Thread

Warning: This joke was stolen. Reading this joke will make you an accessory to a criminal act of cybercrime as defined (subject to hourly change) by:
GCHQ (United Kingdom),
BND (Germany)
NSA (United States), and
DGSE (France).

Oops. Too late! You've been monitored!


So anyway...

Although he knew it was illegal to hitchhike on the autobahn in Germany, my son, after hours with no cars passing by on the deserted road he'd been dropped off on, decided to take a chance. He ventured down to the autobahn, put up his thumb and optimistically held up his sign with "Denmark" written clearly on it.

His heart sank when, within 15 minutes, a police car pulled up. The officers just looked at him for a minute or two, then one got out of the cruiser, smiling.

As the officer approached he started speaking in a mixture of English and German, "Two things: First, ist verboten, absolutely forbidden, to hitchhike on the autobahn. Second," he continued as he pointed in the opposite direction, "Denmark is that way."
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Old 05-04-2015, 19:34   #4725
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Re: The Joke Thread

I went to school with Kandy Kane and Merrie Melody. But Nevada Snow graduated before me so I never met her


Why can't things remain where i carelessly left them?
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