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Old 27-03-2015, 10:44   #4666
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by skipmac View Post


Did something get deleted that I didn't see or are you referring to my totally non-partisan political joke? If so, it was meant as a joke only and in no way a political discussion.

If taken the wrong way then delete "Congressman" and "politician" and replace with "lawyer". Works just as well (with apologies to Dockhead and the other 3 or 4 honorable lawyers out there).
No, no, skipmac, I was just referring to those who add a post, just to say they liked the joke, or to say "Something like that happened to me once...".

What I mean is that every time I see a new joke post appear on the site, I go to the joke thread, wait for it to load, click on "Last", and wait for it to reload, so when all I find for my troubles is a "Thumbs Up" or a comment on the previous joke, I'm somewhat disappointed.

BTW: I'm French. I LOVE political jokes!

Jacques
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Old 27-03-2015, 10:49   #4667
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Re: The Joke Thread

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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Old 27-03-2015, 10:50   #4668
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"


The funeral is scheduled for next Saturday.
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Old 27-03-2015, 10:51   #4669
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Re: The Joke Thread

A blond girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, someone stole it. The policemen asked, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
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Old 27-03-2015, 10:52   #4670
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an *******!"
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Old 27-03-2015, 10:54   #4671
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Old 27-03-2015, 10:55   #4672
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
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Old 27-03-2015, 11:20   #4673
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Finns in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan are well known for being stoic and of few words.

In fact, Haiki was so in love with his wife that he almost told her!
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Old 27-03-2015, 12:15   #4674
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
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Old 27-03-2015, 13:17   #4675
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Re: The Joke Thread

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The programmer is thinking that engineers are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily. So, the programmer asks if the engineer would like to play a fun game.

The engineer is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.

This catches the engineer's attention and, to keep the programmer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"

The programmer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the engineer and hands him $500. The engineer pockets the money and goes back to sleep.

The programmer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the engineer up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The engineer reaches into his pocket, hands the programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.




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Old 27-03-2015, 14:49   #4676
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Re: The Joke Thread

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked, 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man.

Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''

''Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little.

Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' '

'1955,' he replied.

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.

You really need to chill out. I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at
his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'


(Gotta love military time)
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Old 27-03-2015, 16:41   #4677
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Re: The Joke Thread

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy had been looking out of the window. He turned to his mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy replied, "Yes, she did." "Well," said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. "Have your mother explain that to you."
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Old 27-03-2015, 16:53   #4678
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Re: The Joke Thread

When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too.

— Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.

High-performance jet fighter, fully armed with missiles, guns. ECM equipment, fresh paint (stars and bars painted over), single seat, 97% reliability rate, will outclimb, outturn F-16, outrun F-14, low fuel burn (relatively), all digital avionics, radar, terrain following, INS, GPS, Tacan, used only for testing and sales promotion. Now in storage.
Contact Northrop Corp. Will trade for Mig-25 and home address of Air Force Acquisition officer.

— ad found in 'Pacific Flyer' magazine, shortly after the F-20 program was cancelled.

Flying an aeroplane with only a single propeller to keep you in the air. Can you imagine that?

— Captain Picard, from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode 'Booby Trap.'

MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that you could put in a dive, loose a cylinder and stall out!

— Ernest K. Gann

I don't like flying because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is going to help.

— Kaffie, in the 1992 movie 'A Few Good Men.'

You know the part in 'High Flight where it talks about putting out your hand to touch the face of God? Well, when we're at speed and altitude in the SR, we have to slow down and descend in order to do that.

— USAF Lt. Col. Gil Bertelson, SR-71 pilot, in 'SR-71 Blackbird: Stories, Tales and Legends,' 2002.

Newton's Law states that what goes up, must come down. Our Company Commander's Law states that what goes up and comes down had damn well better be able to go back up again.

— sign in the Operations Office of the 187th Assault Helicopter Company, Tay Ninh, Viet Nam, 1971.

I never liked riding in helicopters because there's a fair probability that the bottom part will get going around as fast as the top part.

— Lt. Col. John Wittenborn, USAFR.

I do not use airplanes. They strike me as unsporting. You can have an automobile accident—and survive. You can be on a sinking ship—and survive. You can be in an earthquake, fire, volcanic eruption, tornado, what you will—and survive. But if your plane crashes, you do not survive. And I say the heck with it.

— Isaac Asimov, quoted in J. Winokur's The Traveling Curmudgeon, 2003.
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Old 27-03-2015, 17:01   #4679
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Re: The Joke Thread

It was 1977 and we were on an old DC8 Air Ceylon coming in to Colombo, Ceylon from Bangkok. The landing approach was pretty bumpy, but the biggest bump was saved for when we hit the tarmac - a massive shudder and shake - at least I hoped it was the runway.. We were soon however airborne again and climbing steeply when a voice with a heavy Indian accent came over the PA as follows:
I am sorry about the landing ladies and gentlemen, the pilot will now take over.

— Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.

This time up in the Himalayas where we had been stranded for days. Each day we would head down to the airfield only to be told the plane could not take off. Finally on a day the weather was slightly better the chief of police informed us as follows:
The allocated pilot for today is the best pilot in Nepal, don't worry, he will take the risk.

— Tim Stuart, Great Aviation Quotes reader.

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

— G. K. Chesteron, 'Orthodoxy,' 1908.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes

— Anon.

I used to dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me.

— Philip J. Fry, 'Futurama' TV show 'The Series Has Landed.'

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.

— Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

— Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'

Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt.
Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either.

— quoted by Clifton Fadiman, 'The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes,' 1985.

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

— Bill Cosby

Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane.
Indiana: Fly yes... land no.

— Harrison Ford, in the 1989 movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. And just recently on a Los Angeles golf course

Hey, everybody — watch this!

— every redneck cropduster's last words

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.

— Dave Barry, 'Iowa — Land of Secure Vacations.'

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.

— Dave Barry, 'Sex and the Single Amoebae.'

Our headline ran, "Virgin screw British Airways." We'd have rather preferred 'British Airways screws Virgin,' but we had to run with the facts.

— News Editor, 'The Sun' newspaper.
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Old 27-03-2015, 17:55   #4680
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Re: The Joke Thread

After enjoying sex three times a day on their honeymoon, a young couple had to adjust their lovemaking when they returned to work. Both always arrived home from the office at six o'clock, and so every day at 6:15, regular as clockwork, they would go to bed.

Their daily sex schedule continued for months - sex every day at 6:15 - until the wife went down with flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed every germ inside her body except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body, discussing their survival plans.

One germ said: "I'm going to hide between two toes of her right foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

The second germ said: "I'm going to hide behind her left ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said: "I don't know about you guys, but when that 6:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

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