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Old 23-03-2015, 09:47   #4636
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
Thread drift (for which I'm famous).

It starts in the key of C with the first notes being C, E flat, and G.
I've got perfect pitch (been told it's about 1 in 1,000 who have it) so when I read the joke, that song popped up in my head.
Sorry to be so obtuse.

Perfect pitch can be a problem sometimes, but usually it's a blessing.
Imagine not needing to look at a tachometer, you KNOW the rpm.
Tuning your guitar or whatever. You just KNOW when it's right.
Lots of other examples, but...
My fiance seems to think that he could train himself to have perfect pitch. I dunno about that, but I guess maybe he could. I would think it would take years!
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Old 23-03-2015, 11:32   #4637
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was seven years old on my first lesson when my piano teacher noticed it.
She asked me to pick out middle C on the piano.
I had heard my mother play before and I knew which key it was on the piano, but before I played the key, I hummed the note.
She looked at me like she saw a ghost or something.
I thought everyone could do that.
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Old 23-03-2015, 11:56   #4638
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Re: The Joke Thread

This is the joke thread so I hope that was a joke gone wrong. Otherwise it is just another black eye for the rest of us as not all of us are proud of others.
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Old 23-03-2015, 12:49   #4639
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Re: The Joke Thread

A wife tells her husband: "in my whole life I've only known two great lovers".
Husband asks her, who the second one was, and hears:
"No point in me telling you about the second one when you know nothing about the first".
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Old 23-03-2015, 15:49   #4640
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Re: The Joke Thread

One last jewelry meme...


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Old 23-03-2015, 21:16   #4641
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Re: The Joke Thread

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!






Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:............








"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool bored people!

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!


Oh quit whining, I fell for it too!
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Old 23-03-2015, 23:14   #4642
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Re: The Joke Thread

You left out the last line.


"Which nobody can defrost!"
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Old 25-03-2015, 19:52   #4643
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The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Old 25-03-2015, 20:51   #4644
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Re: The Haircut

Quote:
Originally Posted by skipmac View Post
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Amen to that....
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Old 26-03-2015, 13:25   #4645
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:


Eat and drink what you like.


Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Old 26-03-2015, 13:30   #4646
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Re: The Joke Thread

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular
phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart
attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before
we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: 'The s%*t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.'
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Old 26-03-2015, 14:21   #4647
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Nope, no joke. There's someone selling pretty much anything bacon flavored.

There are a number of websites dedicated to everything bacon. I found some bacon salt and a bacon bloody mary recipe on one. Some of my friends have made the bacon meatloaf and something like a bacon roast, which was a lattice woven out of bacon with meat inside then covered with another lattice of bacon, it used like 4 lbs of bacon.

I like bacon jalapeno poppers, bacon burgers and BLTs, occasionally I'll make bacon wrapped hot dogs.
But the bacon mayo is vegetarian. No joke.

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Old 26-03-2015, 17:01   #4648
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Re: The Joke Thread

Please folks, don't turn the Joke Thread into yet another debate or discussion platform. Stick to telling jokes (if you have any) or create a new thread if you need to comment on them.

I go to Cruisers first thing every morning (before even checking my e-mail and online news & weather) hoping there will be a new addition to this thread that will get me laughing with my latte, and I'm sure I'm not the only one to do so.

Jacques
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Old 26-03-2015, 18:05   #4649
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Re: The Joke Thread

What are you talking about?

It was so cold here this morning I saw a politician with his hands in his OWN pockets.
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Old 26-03-2015, 18:38   #4650
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canibul View Post
What are you talking about?

It was so cold here this morning I saw a politician with his hands in his OWN pockets.
I can not believe that unless you can post a picture, and I doubt any politician would allow such a picture to happen.

Meanwhile back at the farm:

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
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