The Joke Thread

[Tiberius]

In 1872 Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first

[Cormorant]

Translations of Aussie

Aussie sayings you never knew you needed to understand

The hashtag #AussieSayings scored some Twitter traction on Monday, with every man and his dog jumping on the bandwagon. Here are some explanations incase you don't live in the back of Bourke and prefer to reply to questions with something other than "strewth aye."

Now chuck a uey and let’s go for a Maccas run #AussieSayings
— Career Times (@CareerTimes_Aus) March 9, 2015

Translation: Let's do a u-turn in our car and drive up the road to purchase some McDonald's.

#aussiesayings oi dickhead
— c (@sweetofdaises) March 9, 2015

Translation: Hi there, friend.

I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger #AussieSayings
— Chris Bartlett (@bartman6) March 9, 2015

Translation: I am very parched, please pass some water.

A roo loose in the top paddock. Couple of snags short of a barbecue. Couple of forks short of a canteen. #Aussiesayings
— Mark Colvin (@Colvinius) March 8, 2015

Translation: You are not very smart or have something wrong with your brain.

Got a bung foot. #AussieSayings
— AustralianGeographic (@ausgeo) March 9, 2015

Translation: My foot is broken.

What a furphy. #AussieSayings
— AustralianGeographic (@ausgeo) March 9, 2015

Translation: That is a tall tale.

Face like a dropped pie #AussieSayings
— Zoe Calton (@ZoeAppleseed) March 9, 2015

Translation: Her face isn't very pleasant to look at.

He's not the sharpest tool in the shed #AussieSayings
— AJ (@chookz1801) March 9, 2015

Translation: He isn't a very smart man.

#AussieSayings what wanker voted for this ****in dickhead
— SAW OTRA 8.2.15 (@Hayleyplus1D) March 9, 2015

Translation: Why would anyone vote for [insert current Prime Minister]?

"Carryin' on like a pork chop"...the all time greatest. #AussieSayings pic.twitter.com/4xlzNHci2z
— Dilan J. Gunawardana (@DilanJayGun) March 8, 2015

Translation: You are being silly.

Flat out like a lizard drinking #AussieSayings
— Anne Summers (@SummersAnne) March 8, 2015

Translation: I've been working so hard.

Have a good one. #AussieSayings pic.twitter.com/U7vmVVJwtU
— Elle_Cram (@__Celli__) March 8, 2015

Translation: Have a good day.

Going to see a man about a dog! #AussieSayings
— Jen Atkins (@Jenkins_Catkins) March 9, 2015

Translation: I am sorry, I have to leave now.

#AussieSayings get ur tracky-dacks on
— lara,, (@Lara_Trevisiol) March 9, 2015

Translation: You should dress in your finest tracksuit pants.

"Give me back my iPad" #AussieSayings
— Alex McClintock (@axmcc) March 8, 2015

Translation: Give me back my iPad.

you ****in' legend mate #AussieSayings
— Nitro Moonshine (@thebigwig97) March 9, 2015

Translation: I like you.

[svmariane]

Food for thought.....
.

[Cheechako]

This is an actual transcript between a US naval vessel and Canadian Authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

Canadians: "No, divert your course."
Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the U.S.Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees North, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call

[a64pilot]

Still funny though
snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier

[T1 Terry]

BBC News - UK Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% starting July 1 from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

T1 Terry

[Cheechako]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Still funny though
snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier

Yeah... wondered about that for sure!

[socaldmax]

A full scale naval confrontation is just avoided off the Kerry coast.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval Ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-03-02:

Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

British: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Irish: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible. The second largest ship in the British atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, two missile cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course, 15 degrees north, I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure that safety of this ship.

Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[socaldmax]

One of my favorite VW commercials.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnL-7x4n4d8

[Tiberius]

https://youtu.be/gmOTpIVxji8

[Tiberius]

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as ...sinko de Mayo. (Yes, I know this isn't true, but it's funny)

[Tiberius]

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language ..."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good

[senormechanico]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.


One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"


The husband looked at his wife and said, "Wh0 do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"


A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"


"Who do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"


A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"


"Who do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.


One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"


She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."


"Wow, did he charge us anything?"


"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."


"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"


"Cake? Who the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"

[socaldmax]

That reminds me of another true story.

One of my shipmates in the Navy was Jimbo, who married Debbie, she was a real looker. He got out of the Navy right after I did and got a great job traveling all over the world working on molecular beam epitaxy machines (the machines that produce computer chips.) Meanwhile, she was home in MA and cranked out 3 kids in the house they bought. He was rarely home as the family grew, and he never actually saw a dirty diaper.

One night at dinner, Deb told him that she wanted to add more onto the house, add another 1200 ft. He absent mindedly told her, "Sure babe, sounds great!"

Returning home about a month later, he drives down the street to see the end of his house cut off, covered in plastic and a construction crew busily adding 1200ft of room addition onto the end of his house. He casually saunters in, drops his briefcase and coat on the couch and says, "What's going on?" She says, "This is the room addition I told you about a month ago." "Oh, right, yeah, I remember."

Later, they're sitting at the dinner table and he turns to her and says, "So, how much is this room addition costing me, anyways?" She says, "Well, the original estimate was $95,000 and I told him that was ridiculous, I had gotten another estimate for $85,000, and he matched the price. Then he suggested that if I slept with him, he'd get it done for $75,000. So I did."

Jim said, "Great thinking! I knew you'd get the best deal!!"

She chucked a plate full of food at him...

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Oh, I got it the first time.

Since this is the joke thread, I thought I was being funny, but apparently not everyone gets that kind of humor.

I got it. Thought it was a great funny reply. ;-)