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Old 18-11-2008, 10:02   #31
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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls

decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she

know they went home early?



The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little

gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.



The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the

spa before meeting a dinner date.



The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but

when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to

see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and

crept out of her house.



The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned

to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to

go with them.



'No way,' the blonde exclaimed 'I almost got caught yesterday.'
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Old 18-11-2008, 10:04   #32
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Man Vs Woman

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.



5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.



10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Old 18-11-2008, 11:08   #33
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The guys walking on the beach...upset about his recent divorce, she was a horrible abusive wife, but was still able to clean him out.
He finds an unusual bottle half buried in the sand...as he digs it out and wipes the sand off a geni appears...."you have one wish....but what ever you ask for your ex-wife will get double"!!
After some thought the man say "beat me half to death"
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Old 25-11-2008, 10:12   #34
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Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an *******!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an *******!'
And hang up!

It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic '*******'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an *******!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first *******
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ******* #1.

He said,
'Hello.'

I said,
'You're an *******!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me!'

I said,
'Make me!'


He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
A yellow ranch,
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don..
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******!'
and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, *******!'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass!'

I answered,
'Well, *******, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel so much better.

Anger management really does work
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Old 25-11-2008, 10:22   #35
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

********POOF******

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*******

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

******POOF******

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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Old 25-11-2008, 10:31   #36
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Osama Bin Laden decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'
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Old 25-11-2008, 10:56   #37
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Old 27-11-2008, 21:12   #38
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A wee Glesga woman goes intae a butcher shoap and sais tae the butcher, "See you Jimmie, av yeez goat a sheep's heid?" An the butcher sais, "Och naw hen, it's just the way Ah comb ma hair."
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Old 01-12-2008, 16:08   #39
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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of
paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and
tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door,
insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger
waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming
Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
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Old 01-12-2008, 16:10   #40
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After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly,

"Ah.....no, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
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Old 03-12-2008, 07:41   #41
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one
of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands
together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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Old 04-12-2008, 10:18   #42
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Dirty things that can only be said on Thanksgiving...

01. Talk about a huge breast

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist

03. It's Cool Whip time

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst

05. That's one terrific spread

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat

07. Are you ready for seconds yet

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

10. Don't play with your meat

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
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Old 04-12-2008, 17:38   #43
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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

'Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come.'

'Great,' says Sam, 'after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Enoch is leaving he stops, 'Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin!'

'Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.'

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too.'

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. 'Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

Once again Enoch turns from the door. 'I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.'

'Now that's not a problem' says Sam, 'Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?'

Enoch stops in the door again and says 'Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us!'
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Old 04-12-2008, 17:49   #44
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What do you call 3 blonds under a Christmas tree... Ho Ho Ho
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Old 05-12-2008, 07:50   #45
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Subject: Fwd: breakfast




> She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-
> boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the
> 'T'
> shirt that she normally slept in.
>
> As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
> softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very
> moment!'
>
> My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
> dreaming
> or this is goin to be my lucky day!'
>
> Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
> gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
> stove,
> her T-shirt still around her neck.
>
> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that
> all
> about?'
>
> She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
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