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Old 02-03-2015, 09:30   #4471
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
As opposed to. I helped Uncle Jack off his horse.
Got it?
Not punctuation matters, but capitalization matters.
True story.

We had a senior VP at a company I worked at back in the '70's whose name was Jack Gough.

The fun was had at meetings having the hotel staff page him. He told us he hated who ever decided his first name

He had a good sense of humor.

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Old 02-03-2015, 10:10   #4472
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
As opposed to. I helped Uncle Jack off his horse.
Got it?
Not punctuation matters, but capitalization matters.
Oh, I got it the first time.

Since this is the joke thread, I thought I was being funny, but apparently not everyone gets that kind of humor.
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Old 02-03-2015, 11:58   #4473
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Re: The Joke Thread

For some this may be a joke but..........

WORDS AND PHRASES REMIND US OF THE WAY WE WORD

by Richard Lederer
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don’t touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry." A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We’d cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers’ lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.
Like Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut’s Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or “This is a fine kettle of fish!” we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder’s monkey.
Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills.
This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart’s deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have archaic and eat it, too.
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Old 02-03-2015, 15:14   #4474
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Re: The Joke Thread

Whatever happened to Randolph Scott...

What's funny is that every generation laments the same "whatever happened to". So from the last generation:

Everybody knows when you go to the show
You can't take the kids along
You've gotta read the paper and know the code
Of G, PG and R and X
And you gotta know what the movie's about
Before you even go
Tex Ritter's gone and Disney's dead
And the screen is filled with sex

Whatever happened to Randolph Scott
Ridin' the trail alone
Whatever happened to Gene and Tex
And Roy and Rex, the Durango kid
Oh whatever happened to Randolph Scott
His horse, plain as can be
Whatever happened to Randolph Scott
Has happened to the best of me

Everybody's tryin' to make a comment
About our doubts and fears
True Grit's the only movie
I've really understood in years
You gotta take your analyst along
To see if it's fit to see
Whatever happened to Randolph Scott
Has happened to the industry

Whatever happened to Johnny Mack Brown
And Alan Rocky Lane
Whatever happened to Lash Larue
I'd love to see them again
Whatever happened to Smiley Burnett
Tim Holt and Gene Autry
Whatever happened to all of these
Has happened to the best of me

Whatever happened to Randolph Scott
Has happened to the industry
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Old 02-03-2015, 16:15   #4475
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
True story.

We had a senior VP at a company I worked at back in the '70's whose name was Jack Gough.

The fun was had at meetings having the hotel staff page him. He told us he hated who ever decided his first name

He had a good sense of humor.

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I had a guy working for me named Mike Hunt. I wish I could say he had a brother named Harry...

I also work with two Kims. One male and one female. We call them Kim-he and Kim-she to keep things straight.

What are some parents thinking?

Rgds
A boy named Sue...
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Old 02-03-2015, 16:35   #4476
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was once traveling through the Denver airport and there was a girl, whose first language clearly was not English, paging a group of people. The list of 10 names included such as George Jetson and Ichabod Crane. All fictional characters and she paged several times before someone told her it was a joke. Had the entire airport smiling though.

Ok, as to names...

These are both real people I knew.

Debbie Muckenfuss. Now I do remember our receptionist trying to page her one day and breaking up in the middle. Obviously when she gained composure and paged her, everyone knew what was on her mind the first attempt.

Then a girl with a simple name. Anita Smith.

Now there was a boy whose parents were obviously sick in naming him Richard when their last name was Dick. So he was infamously, Dick Dick.

But it gets worse when Anita marries him. Now you have Anita Dick.
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Old 02-03-2015, 16:51   #4477
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Re: The Joke Thread

I know of a real life ship's captain named Richard Head.

Meanwhile back in the navy..

Hard case CPO 'What's your name sailor!'

AB 'John, Sir!'

CPO goes ballistic ' your not on your daddy's yacht now ,sailor!... ' etc etc... 'so whats your name , sailor!'

AB " Darling, Sir! John Darling, Sir'.

CPO ' Oh..OK. John, this is what I want you to do....'
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Old 02-03-2015, 17:09   #4478
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Re: The Joke Thread

A very good friend of mine is Duane and his Chinese wife, Susi.

When she told me her father's name, I didn't believe it at first...
Harry Dong.

He's #7 on David Letterman's Top 10 California names list. He's at 1:49 in the video.

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Old 02-03-2015, 20:33   #4479
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Re: The Joke Thread

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”


“Now give me back my dog.”
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Old 03-03-2015, 21:51   #4480
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The Joke Thread

That is one of the top contenders!
Do we have a Top 10 of Jokes? Would we all agree on them? We need to award prizes.
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Old 03-03-2015, 22:21   #4481
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Re: The Joke Thread

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That is one of the top contenders!
Do we have a Top 10 of Jokes? Would we all agree on them? We need to award prizes.
"Would we all agree on them?" That's the funniest one so far.

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Old 04-03-2015, 06:54   #4482
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Re: The Joke Thread

TRUE STORY
While visiting my brother in Alexandria,Va when he was in the Navy, I was introduced to several of his friends. One was Peter Nuss, in the Navy everything you own is stenciled with first name letter, full last name (P Nuss) wow okay. Nice guy took the ribbing, since grade school in stride, but why would he even think to marry an Alice. (A ----)
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Old 04-03-2015, 07:28   #4483
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Re: The Joke Thread

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"Would we all agree on them?" That's the funniest one so far.

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LOL. I forgot where I was
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Old 04-03-2015, 08:51   #4484
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by wsulli View Post
TRUE STORY
While visiting my brother in Alexandria,Va when he was in the Navy, I was introduced to several of his friends. One was Peter Nuss, in the Navy everything you own is stenciled with first name letter, full last name (P Nuss) wow okay. Nice guy took the ribbing, since grade school in stride, but why would he even think to marry an Alice. (A ----)
It seems in the Navy there were always guys with strange names.
One guy who's last name was Glascock, we use to call him Chrystal Dick. Another, his last name was Smart but he was a real idiot, so we called him Notso. The machinist I worked with who was German his name was Fink who was a jerk, so we called him Rat Fink.
There were more but that was 45 years ago.
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Old 04-03-2015, 16:52   #4485
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Re: The Joke Thread

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It seems in the Navy there were always guys with strange names.
One guy who's last name was Glascock, we use to call him Chrystal Dick. Another, his last name was Smart but he was a real idiot, so we called him Notso. The machinist I worked with who was German his name was Fink who was a jerk, so we called him Rat Fink.
There were more but that was 45 years ago.
Guess ya could have called him "Nuff", too.
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