Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 11 votes, 4.45 average. Display Modes
Old 28-02-2015, 13:39   #4456
Registered User

Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Seattle
Boat: Krogen 58' Xiao Xiu
Posts: 276
Send a message via MSN to JayCall
Re: The Joke Thread

True Story-right out of college in the early 70's, I worked as a controller at a large hotel in Myrtle Beach, SC. We had a lot of guests from the mid-west/upper Midwest. some of whom had never seen the ocean before. Early one Saturday morning, I was out on the pool deck while our food Dorector was setting up a brunch buffet. A guest came up from the beach and asked "Why s the water so much lower this morning than it was last night?" Our F&B Director, who had a pretty wicked sense of humor, replied "Well, they let some of the water out each night so the beach can be cleaned. It will fill back up in an hour or two." The guy just nodded, entirely satisfied with the explanation.
__________________

__________________
JayCall is offline  
Old 28-02-2015, 16:13   #4457
nes
Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego, Ca
Boat: Hunter 326
Posts: 151
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
These 2 stories are from my personal experience.

About 1987 I was on my first sub, we had duty that day, as section leader I was topside wandering around, making sure everything was OK. I watched as a visiting CDR (0-5) came across the brow and our brow sentry and topside watches gave half assed salutes. The CDR asked for our Commanding Officer (also a CDR) and the topside called down below. Right after that, a 3rd class (E-4) torpedoman rushed past the CDR and acted like he wasn't even there. No "Bye your leave, sir!" or salute or anything.

The CDR got really upset and yelled at the topside watch to get the 3rd class back over there. He called him by name and he came trotting back. The CDR starts yelling at him and says, "Don't you think you forgot something???" The 3rd class pats all of his pockets, thinks for a second, then says, "No, I don't think so..."

The CDR barks, "Don't you think you should be saluting me?? I'm a CDR, outdoors, with my cover on! You need to salute me!"

The 3rd class looks at him for a second, then says, "Get some Dolphins (submarine warfare qualifications pin) on your chest, then come back and talk to me." He spins around, and takes off in his original direction. I almost burst out laughing, it was taking every fiber I had not to laugh out loud!! The CDR is now furious, and turns on the topside, who is openly grinning, and snaps, "Where the hell is your CO??"

About 15 or 30 seconds later, the CO climbs up the ladder and is smiling as he comes toward the visitor and says, "How can I help you?" The CDR snaps, "I want you to take that insolent little 3rd class to Captain's Mast!! He didn't salute me, and when I demanded a salute, instead of complying, he gave me crap about go get some Dolphins on my chest!!"

The CO looked at him for a second, broke into a bigger grin, and said, "Sounds like some good advice to me! Is there anything else I can help you with?" The CDR started swearing and stormed off the boat. The CO turned to the topside, winked and said, "Let me know if anyone else stops by!" and headed back down the ladder.

We both burst into laughter at the same time!




A few months later, we had duty again and it was about 0630, getting ready to turn the watch over to the oncoming watch section. I'm making rounds all through the boat to make sure my below decks watch, torpedo room and topside haven't missed anything, no alarms are silenced, special weapons are still secured, etc.

I get topside, and there are about 10 or 12 coffee cups all stacked up next to the hatch. The early morning brow sentry and topside drink a lot of coffee trying to stay awake, but they're supposed to make sure the below decks takes the empty cups down with him when he brings them a fresh cup. I chew the topside out for leaving a mess by the hatch.

I look down the ladder and see a hand reaching for a rung, so I yelled "DOWN LADDER!! to get priority before the CO comes by and sees the mess. I grab 4 coffee cups and pass them down below me, and yelled, "Grab these effing coffee cups!!" The hands reach out and grab the cups and set them aside. I grab 4 more and yell "Grab these effing cups!!" and he does it again, and again for the last 4 cups. As he turns away to put the cups down, I climb down the ladder to thank the other guy, and I'm shocked to see I've been yelling at the CO to grab coffee cups!!

I look around, and there are about 5 guys all standing there, laughing their asses off at this whole situation, because they just saw me yell at the CO 3 times and told him to grab effing coffee cups!! The CO puts down the last 4 cups and turns around, and I start apologizing profusely. "Sir! I had absolutely NO idea it was you! I'm so sorry..."

He smiles, puts his hand on my shoulder, and says, "No no, no problem! I'm glad to see that you're taking this coffee cup mess as seriously as I do, it's a pet peeve of mine. Good job! Carry on!" I told him, "Thank you sir, but I'll be more careful in the future!" He just winked and smiled.

For weeks after that, everywhere I went on the boat, you could hear guys saying, "Grab these effing coffee cups!!" and then burst into peals of laughter!

We (the entire crew) earned a lot of awards as a result of our deployments but it was because the CO was the kind of guy who everyone wanted to do their best for him. He always had your back and you always wanted to make sure you had his covered just as well.
Thanks for all of this! It sure brings back memories. (I was a sub sailor on USS POGY from 1978 - 1982).
__________________

__________________
nes is offline  
Old 28-02-2015, 19:05   #4458
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Currently in South Pacific. Home Port: Vienna, Austria
Boat: Celestial, Stay'sl-Rigged Sloop, 48 ft
Posts: 1,164
Re: The Joke Thread

A little help, please. I admit to not having lived in the USA for many, many, years and am out of touch with local culture. So.....

1) What is a Gluten Free Haircut and why would I want one?

2) Does a Free Range Organic Haircut have anything to do with chickens?

3) Mark is obviously pretty good, so is it okay for me to bring a gun to the knife fight? ......
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	Knife Fight - FREE.jpg
Views:	172
Size:	74.2 KB
ID:	98097  
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Note: Offense is always taken, never given.
When life hands you lemons..... add gin & tonic!
svmariane is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 02:29   #4459
Senior Cruiser
 
Jim Cate's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2008
Location: cruising SW Pacific
Boat: Jon Sayer 1-off 46 ft fract rig sloop strip plank in W Red Cedar
Posts: 11,470
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
A little help, please. I admit to not having lived in the USA for many, many, years and am out of touch with local culture. So.....

1) What is a Gluten Free Haircut and why would I want one?

2) Does a Free Range Organic Haircut have anything to do with chickens?

3) Mark is obviously pretty good, so is it okay for me to bring a gun to the knife fight? ......
Oh come on, use your head:

Gluten is the sticky stuff that holds bread together. If you have it in your hair it is much harder to cut, so the cost for a gluten free cut is somewhat lower than otherwise.

And the second item is also simple: Range Organic Haircuts have not been popular, so to bring them into the view of customers, for a limited time they are free of cost. But really, our range does not often need a haircut, and I'm not enthusiastic about things organic, so I'm not gonna take advantage of the offer, even for free.

I don't know much about knife fights, but here in Oz I think if you simply pull out a sword and shout "THIS is a knife" Mark would run away... you don't need a gun.

Hope this clears that sign up for you.

Jim
__________________
Jim and Ann s/v Insatiable II , lying Port Cygnet, Tasmania once again
Jim Cate is online now  
Old 01-03-2015, 04:24   #4460
One of Those
 
Canibul's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Turks and Caicos Islands
Boat: Catalac 12M
Posts: 3,209
Re: The Joke Thread

I think if I dropped my wallet on 7th street I'd kick it to Broadway before bending over to pick it up.
__________________
Expat life in the Devil's Triangle:
http://2gringos.blogspot.com/
Canibul is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 06:13   #4461
Moderator
 
carstenb's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2012
Location: Copenhagen
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 4,942
Images: 1
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post
Oh come on, use your head:

Gluten is the sticky stuff that holds bread together. If you have it in your hair it is much harder to cut, so the cost for a gluten free cut is somewhat lower than otherwise.

And the second item is also simple: Range Organic Haircuts have not been popular, so to bring them into the view of customers, for a limited time they are free of cost. But really, our range does not often need a haircut, and I'm not enthusiastic about things organic, so I'm not gonna take advantage of the offer, even for free.

I don't know much about knife fights, but here in Oz I think if you simply pull out a sword and shout "THIS is a knife" Mark would run away... you don't need a gun.

Hope this clears that sign up for you.

Jim
Actually Jim, you've misunderstood because the sign has left out some punctuation

The sign should read: FREE: Range Organic Harcut - $19:00

And the reason for charging for something that otherwise is free is that then the customer will value it and tell hsi (her) friends that they can get a Range Orgganic Haircut for only $19
__________________
I spent most of my money on Booze, Broads and Boats. The rest I wasted - Elmore Leonard
carstenb is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 06:25   #4462
Moderator Emeritus
 
Ex-Calif's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2007
Location: Singapore
Boat: Maxi 77 - Relax Lah!
Posts: 11,514
Images: 4
Re: The Joke Thread

I'm hungry. Let's eat grandma.

or

I'm hungry. Let's eat, grandma.
__________________
Relax Lah! is For Sale <--- Click
Click--> Custom CF Google Search or CF Rules
You're gonna need a bigger boat... - Martin Brody
Ex-Calif is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 11:29   #4463
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3,157
Re: The Joke Thread

Woman, without her man, is nothing.


Woman, without her, man is nothing.


Punctuation matters.
__________________
socaldmax is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 15:10   #4464
Senior Cruiser
 
StuM's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Port Moresby,Papua New Guinea
Boat: FP Belize Maestro 43
Posts: 6,714
Re: The Joke Thread

So does capitalization. "I helped uncle jack off his horse".
__________________
StuM is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 17:25   #4465
One of Those
 
Canibul's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Turks and Caicos Islands
Boat: Catalac 12M
Posts: 3,209
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
So does capitalization. "I helped uncle jack off his horse".
Narcotics Anonymous?
__________________
Expat life in the Devil's Triangle:
http://2gringos.blogspot.com/
Canibul is offline  
Old 01-03-2015, 20:49   #4466
Senior Cruiser
 
Therapy's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: W Florida
Boat: The Jon boat still, plus a 2007 SeaCat.
Posts: 6,894
Images: 4
Re: The Joke Thread

A man had lost an arm in an accident. He became very depressed because he
loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator
and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge
looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his
heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and
was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said
he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.
Curious, the man with one arm asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just make one want to cry.
__________________
Who knows what is next.
Therapy is online now  
Old 02-03-2015, 00:18   #4467
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3,157
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
So does capitalization. "I helped uncle jack off his horse".


"I helped Uncle jack off his horse".


I dunno, that's still pretty disturbing...
__________________
socaldmax is offline  
Old 02-03-2015, 08:16   #4468
Registered User
 
jeanathon's Avatar

Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: WNC mountains U.S.
Boat: 1968 Hinterhoel Redwing
Posts: 513
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
"I helped Uncle jack off his horse".


I dunno, that's still pretty disturbing...

As opposed to. I helped Uncle Jack off his horse.
Got it?
Not punctuation matters, but capitalization matters.
__________________
Let's ban together to ban sillycone....
jeanathon is offline  
Old 02-03-2015, 08:34   #4469
Wayfaring Mariner
 
captain58sailin's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Homer, AK is my home port
Boat: Skookum 53'
Posts: 4,045
Images: 5
Re: The Joke Thread

It's just animal husbandry.
__________________
" Wisdom; is your reward for surviving your mistakes"
captain58sailin is offline  
Old 02-03-2015, 08:35   #4470
Registered User
 
Ryan H's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Boat: Grampian 26, Mercury 15, Formosa 41
Posts: 264
Images: 3
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
As opposed to. I helped Uncle Jack off his horse.
Got it?
Not punctuation matters, but capitalization matters.
That's the first thing on this thread that got me to laugh out loud. Good one!

Sent from my C6730 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app
__________________

__________________
Ryan H is offline  
Closed Thread

Tags
Jokes, paracelle

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 22:33.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.