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Old 18-02-2015, 20:03   #4441
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Re: The Joke Thread

Teacher Arrested At Sydney International

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Abbot said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister.



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Old 19-02-2015, 07:30   #4442
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Re: The Joke Thread

Titles we really want to see in CF
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Old 19-02-2015, 09:59   #4443
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Re: The Joke Thread

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
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Old 19-02-2015, 12:22   #4444
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Re: The Joke Thread

Bull.....
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Old 19-02-2015, 15:48   #4445
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Re: The Joke Thread

Youtube has lots of J.S. videos.

https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...y=jack+schitt+
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Old 23-02-2015, 14:04   #4446
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Re: The Joke Thread

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce
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Old 26-02-2015, 15:10   #4447
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Re: The Joke Thread

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.


IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side.'

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in
Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and theyVOTE and have babies.

For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
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Old 26-02-2015, 15:48   #4448
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post

[/FONT][/COLOR]IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.[COLOR=black][FONT=Calibri]
No kidding story - We were at the mall. hairbands were 3 for $5. Of course my wife only wanted 1. The counter was quite high and I couldn't quite see over.

The paying process was going a bit slow and soon a second clerk showed up and eventually the manager. I finally stood on tip toes peeked over and there was a piece of paper with a list of numbers - AND a calculator.

$2.00
$1.80
$1.50
$1.60
$1.62
etc...

The were multiplying random numbers by 3. I suggested they divide $5 by three showed them how to work the calculator and they got $1.66666666. I told them it's OK I'd pay $1.67

What was said next made my day...

"Gee mister. You must be some kind of math genius."
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Old 26-02-2015, 16:07   #4449
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Re: The Joke Thread

An Army 4* General, a top Admiral and the Commandant of the USMC were having a drink in the Officers' Club. They were arguing over which service had more guts. The General said "Well, the Army, watch this" He called a young private over and told him to climb to the top of the building and jump off. The private did as instructed and went splat on the pavement. "See said the General, that is guts!". The Admiral, not to be outdone, called a young Seaman 1st over and told him to climb to the bridge of a carrier at dock. Then told him to do a swan dive. The Seaman hit the water and drowned. See, said the Admiral, that is really guts! The Commandant called a LCpl over, the young Marine runs over, snaps t attention "Sir, Yes Sir!" Corporal, climb to the top of that building. "Sir, Yes Sir" says the Marine and scampers to the top. Now, says the Commandant, jump off! The LCpl looks down and says "Sir, with all due respect, F*ck you, Sir!" The Commandant just turns to the General and Admiral and says "That is real guts"!

From an old Marine.
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Old 26-02-2015, 16:15   #4450
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Re: The Joke Thread

[QUOTE=Therapy;1752108]HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.[/QUOTE

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Old 27-02-2015, 00:58   #4451
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Re: The Joke Thread

For days the wife had been asking her husband if he would remarry if she were to die before him.
He replied every time that that wasn't anything to talk about, she wasn't dead so why ask.

Finally he decided to get this conversation over with and he said "yes, honey Iguess I would remarry if you die before me"

Then she asked "Would you sell the house?"

"No," he said, "I don't think so, I like living here - no reason to sell even if I remarried"

"Well, would you get rid of our bed or would you share it with your new wife?" she asked.

"It's a good bed" he replied, "I dont' see why I would sell it."

"Well," she said, "You wouldn't let her use my golf cubs, would you?"

He sighed, "Of course not, honey. She's left handed."
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Old 27-02-2015, 13:04   #4452
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Re: The Joke Thread

These 2 stories are from my personal experience.

About 1987 I was on my first sub, we had duty that day, as section leader I was topside wandering around, making sure everything was OK. I watched as a visiting CDR (0-5) came across the brow and our brow sentry and topside watches gave half assed salutes. The CDR asked for our Commanding Officer (also a CDR) and the topside called down below. Right after that, a 3rd class (E-4) torpedoman rushed past the CDR and acted like he wasn't even there. No "Bye your leave, sir!" or salute or anything.

The CDR got really upset and yelled at the topside watch to get the 3rd class back over there. He called him by name and he came trotting back. The CDR starts yelling at him and says, "Don't you think you forgot something???" The 3rd class pats all of his pockets, thinks for a second, then says, "No, I don't think so..."

The CDR barks, "Don't you think you should be saluting me?? I'm a CDR, outdoors, with my cover on! You need to salute me!"

The 3rd class looks at him for a second, then says, "Get some Dolphins (submarine warfare qualifications pin) on your chest, then come back and talk to me." He spins around, and takes off in his original direction. I almost burst out laughing, it was taking every fiber I had not to laugh out loud!! The CDR is now furious, and turns on the topside, who is openly grinning, and snaps, "Where the hell is your CO??"

About 15 or 30 seconds later, the CO climbs up the ladder and is smiling as he comes toward the visitor and says, "How can I help you?" The CDR snaps, "I want you to take that insolent little 3rd class to Captain's Mast!! He didn't salute me, and when I demanded a salute, instead of complying, he gave me crap about go get some Dolphins on my chest!!"

The CO looked at him for a second, broke into a bigger grin, and said, "Sounds like some good advice to me! Is there anything else I can help you with?" The CDR started swearing and stormed off the boat. The CO turned to the topside, winked and said, "Let me know if anyone else stops by!" and headed back down the ladder.

We both burst into laughter at the same time!




A few months later, we had duty again and it was about 0630, getting ready to turn the watch over to the oncoming watch section. I'm making rounds all through the boat to make sure my below decks watch, torpedo room and topside haven't missed anything, no alarms are silenced, special weapons are still secured, etc.

I get topside, and there are about 10 or 12 coffee cups all stacked up next to the hatch. The early morning brow sentry and topside drink a lot of coffee trying to stay awake, but they're supposed to make sure the below decks takes the empty cups down with him when he brings them a fresh cup. I chew the topside out for leaving a mess by the hatch.

I look down the ladder and see a hand reaching for a rung, so I yelled "DOWN LADDER!! to get priority before the CO comes by and sees the mess. I grab 4 coffee cups and pass them down below me, and yelled, "Grab these effing coffee cups!!" The hands reach out and grab the cups and set them aside. I grab 4 more and yell "Grab these effing cups!!" and he does it again, and again for the last 4 cups. As he turns away to put the cups down, I climb down the ladder to thank the other guy, and I'm shocked to see I've been yelling at the CO to grab coffee cups!!

I look around, and there are about 5 guys all standing there, laughing their asses off at this whole situation, because they just saw me yell at the CO 3 times and told him to grab effing coffee cups!! The CO puts down the last 4 cups and turns around, and I start apologizing profusely. "Sir! I had absolutely NO idea it was you! I'm so sorry..."

He smiles, puts his hand on my shoulder, and says, "No no, no problem! I'm glad to see that you're taking this coffee cup mess as seriously as I do, it's a pet peeve of mine. Good job! Carry on!" I told him, "Thank you sir, but I'll be more careful in the future!" He just winked and smiled.

For weeks after that, everywhere I went on the boat, you could hear guys saying, "Grab these effing coffee cups!!" and then burst into peals of laughter!

We (the entire crew) earned a lot of awards as a result of our deployments but it was because the CO was the kind of guy who everyone wanted to do their best for him. He always had your back and you always wanted to make sure you had his covered just as well.
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Old 27-02-2015, 13:10   #4453
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Re: The Joke Thread

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

Two true stories.
I had a customer who returned a recently serviced VCR to my shop.
She said it was dead, but insisted it was plugged in.
It was plugged into itself.

Back in the '50's I got razzed by friends when I bought 2 yo yo stings for 5 cents, when my friends bought the same strings 3 for a dime.
They said I was "Cheap", so I demanded TWO 2 for a nickle strings and paid ten cents.
The druggist growled, but gave me four for a dime.
The friends never razzed me again.
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Old 27-02-2015, 14:22   #4454
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Re: The Joke Thread

Back in 1990-92 I taught at Instructor Training School in Pearl Harbor. Each of the students had to prep and give a 20 minute lecture on any topic they chose. One very talented student gave an outstanding lecture about the poor Nauga animals that were slaughtered by the thousands just for their precious hide, which the Navy used by the mile as Naugahyde, which covers virtually everything on board a ship.

He had several great slides of shepherds with some really odd looking sheep, which he dramatically pointed out were destined to be cut down in the prime of their lives just for their hides. Suddenly a young blonde student burst into tears and was totally devastated by the thought of these poor animals getting slaughtered.

It took every ounce of my self control to keep a straight face, and the guy giving the lecture did an outstanding job of selling it, he looked pretty choked up himself. Finally the lecture was over and he got a huge round of applause from the entire class, except for the blonde who was totally confused why everyone was suddenly all smiles and backslapping. We spent the entire break, plus another 20 minutes trying to convince her that there is no such thing as a Nauga and that Naugahyde is just vinyl, synthetic. LOL She was soo embarrassed that she was totally taken in by his lecture.

I told her it wasn't her fault, the guy who gave the lecture was a natural, he could sell ice cubes to Eskimos! I gave him 100% on that lecture! LOL




We had another young student who I could tell really wasn't going to make it as an instructor, since what he spoke was basically Ebonics. However, our policy was as long as the student was giving 100%, we'd put in the effort to try to get them through.

Each student needed to give a lecture, and I always encouraged them to speak about something that they knew very well, like a hobby or something. This guy kept saying he had no ideas for a lecture, none at all. Finally, I got him to admit that he liked to play basketball. After tons of coaching, I basically forced him to write an outline of his lecture, starting with inflating the ball, finding a court to play on, picking team mates, etc.

The next day he gives the lecture and he blows it, hard. He makes every mistake in the book - verbal distractors, non-verbal distractors, grabbing his crotch, mumbling, looking at the floor, no visual aids, just a total disaster. But the worst part was he was mentioning a "Mois ten needle" that you needed to inflate the ball with, he said he had no idea what kind of needle that was.

I had to give him a failing grade and we convened an Academic Review Board. He had some extra study hours, which was in his favor, but when I replayed the tape of his lecture, it was all over. He had a very limited vocabulary, and he had no idea what "moisten needle" meant, which pretty much sealed the deal.
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Old 28-02-2015, 09:15   #4455
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an*expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body*
dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is*already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his*best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician*a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my*husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her*husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit*fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did*
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, he presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue*
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased*gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left*yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if*she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said*
it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

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