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Old 18-02-2015, 16:56   #4426
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Re: The Joke Thread

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on
and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched -
with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"



"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go sailing for the weekend."
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Old 18-02-2015, 16:57   #4427
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, Ho Dee Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 min.
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Old 18-02-2015, 16:58   #4428
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Re: The Joke Thread

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big
trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of a outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer".
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Old 18-02-2015, 16:59   #4429
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my ******* bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:00   #4430
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Re: The Joke Thread

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:01   #4431
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Re: The Joke Thread

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
'Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e,f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! !" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:03   #4432
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Re: The Joke Thread

hings The Wife Doesn'T Use

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:04   #4433
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Re: The Joke Thread

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:06   #4434
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Re: The Joke Thread

50's Date

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:07   #4435
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Re: The Joke Thread

Paying close attention.


An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:09   #4436
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Re: The Joke Thread

A SENIOR'S SMILE FOR THE DAY


Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:11   #4437
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Re: The Joke Thread

Back in December, a group of Harley bikers were riding north on the Gold Coast Highway when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.



Dave, their leader, a big burly man of 60, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Highway Police officer who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"


While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Dave also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ........"Well, before you jump, Honey...why don't you give ole Dave here your best last kiss?”


So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ........ and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, Dave gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Police officer, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:12   #4438
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Re: The Joke Thread

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Norfolk Naval Base.

A grizzled old retired Marine fighter pilot wearing a faded baseball cap emblazoned with a VMFA 224 squadron patch and a tatty leather flight jacket with many more squadron and aircraft carrier patches was standing with a fishing rod near the edge of a puddle, his line in the water of the puddle.

A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Marine simply said.

Poor old fool, another dumb Marine fighter pilot, the Navy officer thought, and so he invited the ragged old timer into the pub for a drink.

Sipping his Chardonnay semi-sweet white wine and watching the old Marine drinking a double Johnny Walker Black label scotch whiskey, the Navy pilot felt he should start some conversation. "Interesting place to go fishing," he observed with a chuckle. "And how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth," said the old Marine pilot.
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:13   #4439
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Re: The Joke Thread

GREAT ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a tractor....
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered…...not yelled.
• Meanness don't just happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good and honourable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll
enjoy it a second time.
• Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you
from the mirror every mornin'.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.
• Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to
God.
• Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
• If nothing changes – nothing changes
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Old 18-02-2015, 17:13   #4440
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Re: The Joke Thread

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'


The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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