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Old 12-02-2015, 10:13   #4396
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Sarcasm for the day ...

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my boat horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.


4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a
row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this
morning.


9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
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Old 12-02-2015, 15:45   #4397
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Re: The Joke Thread

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,

"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."


"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send
them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...


"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back
to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."


"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins,
and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."


"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...

And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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Old 14-02-2015, 19:16   #4398
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Re: The Joke Thread

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

May he restaurant in peanuts


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Old 15-02-2015, 14:25   #4399
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Re: The Joke Thread

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?































Bob.
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Old 16-02-2015, 15:12   #4400
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Re: The Joke Thread

50 Grayish Shades ....

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . .. .
A little to the right . .. . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . .. . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . .. . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . .. with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards .. . . .
Forward then backward . .. . ..
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . ..
Her face was flushed . . . ..
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . ..

She shouted . . . . :






















"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . ..
You do it . . .. . !!"
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Old 16-02-2015, 15:38   #4401
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
50 Grayish Shades ....

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . .. .
A little to the right . .. . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . .. . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . .. . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . .. with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards .. . . .
Forward then backward . .. . ..
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . ..
Her face was flushed . . . ..
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . ..

She shouted . . . . :






















"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . ..
You do it . . .. . !!"


I'd tell you how hilarious I thought that was, but I've already been branded a sexist for speaking the truth, so my official answer is, "How DARE you!!!"


LMFAO!
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Old 17-02-2015, 15:17   #4402
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
I'd tell you how hilarious I thought that was, but I've already been branded a sexist for speaking the truth, so my official answer is, "How DARE you!!!"


LMFAO!
Wifey B: You dudes must be old, like ancient...parallel parking? Like seriously, do you still have it where you live? For the most part our only parking is in parking lots.
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Old 17-02-2015, 16:16   #4403
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Wifey B: You dudes must be old, like ancient...parallel parking? Like seriously, do you still have it where you live? For the most part our only parking is in parking lots.
Yes, we've seen those parking lots.

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Old 17-02-2015, 16:36   #4404
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Wifey B: You dudes must be old, like ancient...
Ouch! Not nice Wifey B...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
parallel parking? Like seriously, do you still have it where you live?
yep, sure do...
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Old 17-02-2015, 16:43   #4405
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Wifey B: You dudes must be old, like ancient...parallel parking? Like seriously, do you still have it where you live? For the most part our only parking is in parking lots.
Most cities in North America I have been in have parallel parking. That would include 36 States, nine provinces, & 2 territories.

You're just going to have to get out more often.

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Old 17-02-2015, 16:54   #4406
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Most cities in North America I have been in have parallel parking. That would include 36 States, nine provinces, & 2 territories.

You're just going to have to get out more often.

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Wifey B: The popular thing in downtown renovation seems to be to eliminate it though. Either lots or widen and have pull in. I think they've figured out people can't park parallel. I admit downtown Charlotte had some. I've seen it, but fun to pull your chains. Still it's drastically reduced. I'm sure some in our area, just can't immediately think of it. So little on the street parking here of any kind. Lot's of valet parking. Of course then there are the pretend valet's who take your keys and car, never to be seen again.
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Old 17-02-2015, 17:00   #4407
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Re: The Joke Thread

I've never run into a pretend valet thief, but I sure remember all of the times my wife couldn't remember where she parked her car in the huge parking lot. It's a good thing the horn honked and the lights flashed from 6 aisles over when she hit the alarm button.
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Old 17-02-2015, 17:01   #4408
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Re: The Joke Thread

Who checks to see if the valets can parallel park?


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Old 17-02-2015, 17:02   #4409
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Re: The Joke Thread

I find it easier to parallel park using a midships spring line.


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Old 17-02-2015, 17:14   #4410
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Re: The Joke Thread

The brother in law bought a deodorant stick

The instructions said

Remove cap, push up bottom


Now he says

I have trouble walking

But when I fa#t

The room smells lovely.


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