The Joke Thread

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by transmitterdan

Sign above the head on a friend's boat:

All men armed with a short barrel, low muzzle velocity weapon are kindly requested to engage target at the closest possible range.

In the head at the pilot's lounge.

"Pilots with short stacks and low manifold pressure please park closer to the gate. Those with long stacks and high manifold pressure please taxi to the end of the runway and hold."

[Ex-Calif]

A man's wife dies while they are visiting the holy land. The priest says to the husband, "We can bury your wife here in the holy land for $1,000 but if you want to take her home to your country it will be $10,000."

The man doesn't hesitate, "I'll take her home."

"Why do you choose the more expensive option?" asked the priest.

"Well, you buried Jesus here and after three days he rose form the dead. I'm not taking any chances!"

[svmariane]

Okay.... I'm getting ready to post a series of ethnic jokes. Now this might not be politically correct and, indeed, might offend a few people. Apologies in advance. Should the jokes not appear - or rapidly be deleted - then please accept my humble apologies.

So....................

How does every ethnic joke start?




By looking over your shoulder.

[svmariane]

An Englishman, An American and a Greek were called upon to test a lie detector.

The Englishman said: "I think I can drink twelve bottles of beer..." BUZZZ, the lie detector went off. "Okay, eight bottles." The machine remained silent.

The American said: "I think I can eat fifteen hamburgers..." BUZZZ. "All right, seven hamburgers." The machine was silent.

The Greek said: "I think..." BUZZZ

[svmariane]

An Irishman was travelling home late at night on the subway when he read a sign: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."

Despairingly, he thought to himself: "Now where on earth am I going to find a dog at this time of night?"

[svmariane]

A man walks up to the counter and asks for a bowl of Borscht. "You must be Russian" the clerk behind the counter says.

But at that the man becomes indignant. "Why would you say that! If I asked for Pasta, would you assume that I'm Italian?"

"Well, no" replies the clerk.

"And if I asked for Egg rolls, would you assume that I'm Chinese?"

"Well, no" admits the clerk.

At that, the man screams: "So why would you assume that I'm Russian when I ask for Borscht!"




The clerk replies: "Because this is a Travel Agency."

[svmariane]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who got a cab to take him and his girlfriend home?

- The girl was so beautiful he could barely keep his eyes on the meter.



Why are so many Scottish churches circular?

- -So that nobody can hide in the corners during collection.



How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?

- Nae bother: just go round with a collection box.

[svmariane]

An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian were studying a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at that beautiful garden," said the Englishman. "Only an Englishman could grow a garden as beautiful as that!"

"Nonsense," said the Swede. "Their naked and proud of it - they must be Scandinavian."

"Rubbish," said the Russian. "No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they're told it's paradise- definitely Russian."

[svmariane]

There is a "class" of people (ahem) in the USA referred to as Rednecks. To the rest of the USA, they are perhaps a bit like Newfies to other Canadians.

Ellie-Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.The 911 operator told him she'd send someone right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," answered Bubba.
"Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause................


Then Bubba said...............


"How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there?"

[svmariane]

..... SIGNS THAT A REDNECK HAS BEEN USING YOUR COMPUTER....

* The monitor is up on blocks.
* The keyboard is camouflaged coloured.
* The password is "Bubba".
* The six front keys have rotted out.
* The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* The numeric keypad only goes up to three.
* There's a beer can in the CD-ROM drive.
* The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[svmariane]

When do you stop telling ethnic jokes?

When your blue-eyed, blond-haired Bavarian wife who's residence is in Austria and who's relatives are from eight different European countries slaps you aside the head and reminds you that YOUR relatives come from Russia, Sweden and parts further east while you travel on a USA passport.

Sheesh..................


Women.


so..............


Stranded for the night, a man sought refuge in a convent. Reluctantly the Mother Superior allowed him to stay over. "But," she pointed out, "we have ten new nuns who may not yet be strong enough to resist temptation, so you must stay in your room and refrain from any contact whatsoever with the sisters."

The man agreed.


The next morning, after the man had gone, the Mother Superior called all the nuns together for a meeting.


"Sisters, we had a man stay here last night..."

Nine nuns gasped, one giggled.



"...in his room" added the Mother Superior, "we found a used condom..."

Nine nuns gasped, one giggled.



"...and in this condom, we found a hole."

Nine nuns giggled, one gasped.

[Pelagic]

I recently diversified my Pension Fund and spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.
I arranged for him to be put out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at
a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow,
the Vet was called to have a look at him. The Vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly
just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all of them! He even broke through the
fence and bred with all the neighbor's cows! He was like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[Phoenician]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it
at home-but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope
you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever
happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his
gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob,
the second sentence should refer to 'your Wifi'."

[Phoenician]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED". However, recently Linguistics Conference was held in London, England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world. At this conference, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter and was asked to make just that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response was this: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. When you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'Completely Finished'.
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[captain58sailin]

Perfect definition.