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Old 26-01-2015, 19:06   #4366
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Re: The Joke Thread

good one
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Old 26-01-2015, 23:07   #4367
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Now I'm officially worried as he hasn't posted since December 3. Embarrassed I didn't notice. I'm going to report my post so hopefully one of the mods might know something or know how to reach him. Sure hope it's not a health issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Maybe Coops is out sailing. Or if he's in a boatyard, he might be working hard to get everything done and get launched again. Those are my first 2 choices, as opposed to other, less savory possibilities.
I am sure Coops is glad you're all concerned, but if he wanted you to know what exciting things he was up to, he would be posting all about it .

Please give one of our much loved members a little privacy .

SWL
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Old 27-01-2015, 20:04   #4368
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Re: The Joke Thread

A small boy named Yusuf lived in Rylands, Athlone, Cape Town.

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher,
who was always yelling at him, "you are driving me crazy Yusuf".

One day Yusuf's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks,
even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the School and even moved
out of Cape Town.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.
All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand,
trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around
he saw Yusuf, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to
connect his Hoover!












Don't tell me you thought that Yusuf became a heart-surgeon?
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Old 28-01-2015, 00:20   #4369
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass View Post
I am sure Coops is glad you're all concerned, but if he wanted you to know what exciting things he was up to, he would be posting all about it .

Please give one of our much loved members a little privacy .

SWL
I certainly did not say anything even remotely related to invading his privacy in any way. I'm not sure where that came from.
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Old 28-01-2015, 21:36   #4370
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass View Post
I am sure Coops is glad you're all concerned, but if he wanted you to know what exciting things he was up to, he would be posting all about it .

Please give one of our much loved members a little privacy .

SWL
Ya miss the point, lassie!
We dinna give a wit what the bucko be up to,
t'is just we miss his jokes!

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Old 29-01-2015, 17:54   #4371
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sign above the head on a friend's boat:

All men armed with a short barrel, low muzzle velocity weapon are kindly requested to engage target at the closest possible range.
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Old 01-02-2015, 02:11   #4372
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Re: The Joke Thread

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys inNew Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."





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Old 01-02-2015, 07:29   #4373
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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
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Old 01-02-2015, 13:20   #4374
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Re: The Joke Thread

. . . . . MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE . . . . .

A sporting competition in the USA, apparently know as something called the "Super Bowl", will commence in a few hours.

During this time the world will come to a standstill and certain laws might be suspended. Normal people may observe changes in their surroundings affecting such things as gravity, gravitas, gentleness but not gregariousness.

Regular life will resume shortly thereafter.

Thank you.




gregarious: originally used to describe animals that live in flocks; current usage is applicable to those supporting various so-called "sports teams".




Go PATS
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Old 01-02-2015, 17:47   #4375
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Re: The Joke Thread



I love this guy's confidence or bravado or delusion, maybe all three.

Here's a page of similar funny boat names, there's some good ones in there..

Clever boat names for each type of boater - All things boat
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Old 01-02-2015, 22:10   #4376
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Re: The Joke Thread

Hell yeah go Pats!

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Old 02-02-2015, 00:21   #4377
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Re: The Joke Thread

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have some unfortunate news for you. If you look out the airplanes windows on the right hand side, you'll see that both engines there are on fire.

If you look out the windows on the left hand side of the airplane, you'll notice that both those engines are also on fire.

Finally, if you look down you'll see 7 parachutes far below, That is the pilot, co-pilot and our 5 stewardesses that have bailed out."

"This is a recording - Happy Landings!"
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Old 02-02-2015, 09:06   #4378
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by bajatrawler View Post
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
really funny!
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Old 02-02-2015, 15:26   #4379
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 03-02-2015, 13:59   #4380
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Re: The Joke Thread

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with
a single gesture, brings the two to life!

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given
life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues...

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time I'll hold the pigeon down and you s*** on its head!!!"
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