The Joke Thread

[Sailor g]

Hope not! I love jokes but cannot tell one at all. This thread makes me smile and I am happy and go to this thread first when I see there is a new joke. Other jokesters- bring 'em on! Coop-Fly back to us!

[BandB]

Now I'm officially worried as he hasn't posted since December 3. Embarrassed I didn't notice. I'm going to report my post so hopefully one of the mods might know something or know how to reach him. Sure hope it's not a health issue.

[Sailor g]

Maybe a joke will help. I had to look some up because I can't tell or remember jokes (so I enjoy them more than once too!) I realize these aren't up to Coop's standards but...

What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the Doc!


A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned….


Why did the sailboat sink while tied to the dock? Pier pressure!

[Rhapsody-NS27]

round car.

[carstenb]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[carstenb]

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left

Starboard Right

[carstenb]

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

[Rhapsody-NS27]

One morning a husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, " Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

[T1 Terry]

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "Your a damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "Your a damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." The old man says "Hang on, I'll get my hat."


T1 Terry

[D&D]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local police about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by BandB

Now I'm officially worried as he hasn't posted since December 3. Embarrassed I didn't notice. I'm going to report my post so hopefully one of the mods might know something or know how to reach him. Sure hope it's not a health issue.

I reported your post. Now we wait....

[BandB]

Originally Posted by svmariane

I reported your post. Now we wait....

I reported it also....

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Hope not! I love jokes but cannot tell one at all. This thread makes me smile and I am happy and go to this thread first when I see there is a new joke. Other jokesters- bring 'em on! Coop-Fly back to us!

Nah.... It's probably just that the rest of the world doesn't appreciate your fine sense of humor. But that's why we have boats! So we can hoist anchor and find a more companionable port!

Reminds me...

When a woman says "Do whatever you want"....


For Pete's sake do NOT do whatever you want.







Details to follow (maybe) sometime in the future...

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by BandB

I reported it also....

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Coops hangs his hat in Australia, no?
So that got me thinking....


On a visit to London, an Australian applied for a job as a Royal Footman. Armed with his references from his previous job, he went along to the interview, where he was asked to drop his trousers.

Seeing the Australian's puzzled expression, the interviewer explained: "Don't worry, it's a mere formality. You see, Footmen are often required to wear kilts when accompanying the Queen to Balmoral Castle, so we like to examine the knees of applicants to check for unsightly scars."

The Aussie dropped his trousers to allow his knees to be inspected.

"Excellent," said the interviewer. "Now could you show me your testimonials?"

Thirty seconds later, the Aussie found himself lying in the corridor, nursing a black eye. "Struth," he said, picking himself up and dusting himself down. "I reckon I'd have got that job if I'd know the lingo better."

[socaldmax]

Maybe Coops is out sailing. Or if he's in a boatyard, he might be working hard to get everything done and get launched again. Those are my first 2 choices, as opposed to other, less savory possibilities.