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Old 20-01-2015, 04:53   #4336
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Re: The Joke Thread

From The Onion:

Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea. “It is my opinion that the only constitutionally sanctionable union is composed of a seafaring man and the solitary life of fickle winds and brine-crested breakers,” said Alito, adding that any current law that fails to narrowly delineate marriage as a compact involving a man, the churning waves, and the sea-song of gulls in the early dawn is invalid according to the highest law of the land. “The principle of equal protection enshrined in the Constitution emphatically does not entitle the federal government or any state body to redefine this sacred maritime institution. The Founding Fathers recognized that the heart belongs to the tides and the deep alone—in both stormful days and calm waters.” Alito went on to say that marriage between a man and the sea must be preserved as such despite the fact that she can be a cruel mistress with little heed for what a forsaken old sailor wills.
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Old 20-01-2015, 06:26   #4337
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Re: The Joke Thread

Too true!
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Old 21-01-2015, 14:59   #4338
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Re: The Joke Thread

It’s breakfast time, and a woman asks her husband,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast,
and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines.

“Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now.
"It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines.

"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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Old 21-01-2015, 16:11   #4339
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Re: The Joke Thread

If I'm ever on life support , unplug it........then plug it back in, see if that works.
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Old 21-01-2015, 18:45   #4340
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Re: The Joke Thread

that reminds me.
Explosm.net - Home of Cyanide and Happiness
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Old 21-01-2015, 19:27   #4341
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Re: The Joke Thread

A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many television sets on which to watch the games and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.



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Old 22-01-2015, 18:42   #4342
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Re: The Joke Thread

An asthmatic received a phone call in the middle of an asthmatic attack.

The caller paused partway through and said:

"Did I call you, or did you call me?"
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Old 22-01-2015, 18:48   #4343
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Re: The Joke Thread

People like chocolate. Really... They do.

People should share chocolate with friends.

Because that's what friends are for.... Right?

From "The Merchant of Venice", and presented for your consideration, how really good friends share chocolate....

Merchant of Venice
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Old 22-01-2015, 19:43   #4344
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
People like chocolate. Really... They do.

People should share chocolate with friends.

Because that's what friends are for.... Right?

From "The Merchant of Venice", and presented for your consideration, how really good friends share chocolate....

Merchant of Venice
Did you have to do that?

Damn, I've got a thing for red heads. Most of my girlfriend's had at least a time of it, even if it was by Clairol.

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Old 22-01-2015, 20:09   #4345
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
People like chocolate. Really... They do.

People should share chocolate with friends.

Because that's what friends are for.... Right?

From "The Merchant of Venice", and presented for your consideration, how really good friends share chocolate....

Merchant of Venice


Why are they wearing clothes? I don't get it...
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Old 23-01-2015, 17:47   #4346
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Why are they wearing clothes? I don't get it...
Right. Sorry about that. Here's the adult version:
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Old 23-01-2015, 18:51   #4347
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Re: The Joke Thread

Was this posted before????

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners:

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, three off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the care and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as we women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day I did some shopping, cleaning and made the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."


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Old 23-01-2015, 19:47   #4348
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Re: The Joke Thread

So I was reading through the Cruisers Forum Sailor's Confessional section
when this appeared upon my computer screen:
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Old 23-01-2015, 20:01   #4349
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Re: The Joke Thread

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for awhile, then said
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks... "What does that mean?"

He replied: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and exclaimed...
"Oh, that's so lovely! What about I, J, and K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



The swelling in his eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his family jewels.
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Old 25-01-2015, 18:23   #4350
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Re: The Joke Thread

Haven't seen any postings here in the joke thread from
Moderator Emeritus Coops lately...

Is it true that he flew the coop?

Or did he just grow kind of tired... you know,
maybe feeling sorta caged in or grounded by all this?
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