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Old 06-01-2015, 20:23   #4291
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Re: The Joke Thread

So was just perusing this thread Weird Question- Swinger Propositions on CF and, well, a few thoughts popped up...

My wife is like my anchor {40 Kg Sarca Exel} that keeps me fast during the storms of life.
- Though, mind you, her tying it to my ankles and shoving me overboard whilst I was drunk were a wee bit much.

What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering around the back yard?
- Reloaded.

Did you know that "Playboy" is introducing a new magazine for men who are married?
- Every month the centerfold is the same woman.

Why is a wedding ring like a tourniquet?
- It cuts off the circulation.

What's the worst thing a woman can get on her thirtieth wedding anniversary?
- Morning sickness.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
- The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

My wife asked this: How do you know if your husband is dead?
- The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

What was my reaction to the above joke by my wife?
- Sorry: My lawyer advised me not to comment whilst charges are still pending.

Five weeks after her wedding, the new bride called her sister. "Oh, Avril," she said. "Neville and I had the most dreadful fight last night."
"Don't worry," said her sister reassuringly. "It's not as bad as you think. All couples have to have their first fight."
"I suppose you're right, but what am I going to do with the body?"






Hmmm... Anchors, guns, sex, lawyers... Was that sufficient scope?
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Old 06-01-2015, 21:10   #4292
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Re: The Joke Thread

Love these!! Thanks 😜
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Old 07-01-2015, 11:00   #4293
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Re: The Joke Thread

Golf panties

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.

"Well," she said, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Then the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You donna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

"Well fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb ... Tidy yerself up a bit."

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Old 07-01-2015, 15:49   #4294
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.
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Old 07-01-2015, 16:17   #4295
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Re: The Joke Thread

So with Christmas just over, my wife and I were talking about the Christian religion thingy. Her point being: What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of Wise Men?

- They would have asked for directions,
- arrived on time,
- helped deliver the baby,
- cleaned the stable,
- made a casserole,
- and brought practical gifts.




Yeah. Okay, but I'm thinking... what would they have said as they left?

-Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?
- That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph.
- Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!
- Can you believe they let all those disgusting animals in there?
- I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now.
- And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!
- Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?







Note: religion wars are on the next thread over.....
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Old 07-01-2015, 16:52   #4296
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Re: The Joke Thread

So I was heading over to the boatyard and my wife asked that on the way home I buy some organic vegetables. Okay. But in the supermarket I couldn't find any on the shelves. So I talked with an elderly employee and said: "These are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"



He replied: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
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Old 07-01-2015, 17:02   #4297
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Re: The Joke Thread

Three deaf old men were waking along the street on an early-spring day.

One said: "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," said the second, "it's Thursday."
The third man said: "So am I. Let's have a beer."




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Old 09-01-2015, 06:27   #4298
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Re: The Joke Thread

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!
Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car
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Old 09-01-2015, 09:22   #4299
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Weatherhelm View Post
My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!
Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car
There's a commercial for condoms that shows a guy getting propositioned by a girl and running to his car, opening the glove compartment which is full of condoms and having his girlfriend who was waiting in the backseat say congratulations you passed the test. then trying to close the glove compartment without being conspicuous. I think you can find it on youtube
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Old 09-01-2015, 10:53   #4300
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by sparrowhawk1 View Post
There's a commercial for condoms that shows a guy getting propositioned by a girl and running to his car, opening the glove compartment which is full of condoms and having his girlfriend who was waiting in the backseat say congratulations you passed the test. then trying to close the glove compartment without being conspicuous. I think you can find it on youtube
Plenty of similar ads.
Here's one.
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Old 09-01-2015, 13:18   #4301
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Re: The Joke Thread

what were they thinking?
See in in West Indies supermarket today
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Old 09-01-2015, 16:49   #4302
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Re: The Joke Thread

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what were they thinking?
See in in West Indies supermarket today

They were probably thinking that women and gays comprise more than 50% of the population.
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Old 09-01-2015, 16:54   #4303
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
They were probably thinking that women and gays comprise more than 50% of the population.
And they do.

Women are 50.4% of the population, gays probably around 5%. That puts straight males in the definite minority.

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Old 09-01-2015, 18:47   #4304
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Re: The Joke Thread

.4% difference, thats all? I would have thought surely that all the risky stuff young Males do along with wars and what not would account for more than .4%
Are there more males than females born?


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Old 09-01-2015, 22:32   #4305
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
And they do.

Women are 50.4% of the population, gays probably around 5%. That puts straight males in the definite minority.

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That's assuming all gays are men.


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