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Old 13-12-2014, 20:52   #4261
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Re: The Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace...

IMHO, these KPC variations of Internet Acronyms are LOL !
FYI - I'll not go the IPN route...

1. IWSN - I want sex now
2. GNOC - Get naked on camera
3. NIFOC - Naked in front of computer
4. PIR - Parent in room
5 CU46 - See you for sex
6. 53X - Sex
7. 9 - Parent watching
8. 99 - Parent gone
9. 1174 - Party meeting place
10. THOT - That hoe over there
11. CID - Acid (the drug)
12. Broken - Hungover from alcohol
13. 420 - Marijuana
14. POS - Parent over shoulder
15. SUGARPIC - Suggestive or erotic photo
16. KOTL - Kiss on the lips
17. (L)MIRL - Let's meet in real life
18. PRON - Porn
19. TDTM - Talk dirty to me
20. 8 - Oral sex
21. CD9 - Parents around/Code 9
22. IPN - I'm posting naked
23. LH6 - Let's have sex
24. WTTP - Want to trade pictures?
25. DOC - Drug of choice
26. TWD - Texting while driving
27. GYPO - Get your pants off
28. KPC- Keeping parents clueless
.
.
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Old 13-12-2014, 23:47   #4262
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Re: The Joke Thread



The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.


Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?
'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'


Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom.'


Just a minute,' says the good father.
'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden
staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be ?


'Up here in the modern world - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached people slept.
When he flew, people prayed.!




'



















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Old 14-12-2014, 00:28   #4263
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish rambler View Post


The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.


Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?
'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'


Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom.'


Just a minute,' says the good father.
'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden
staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be ?


'Up here in the modern world - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached people slept.
When he flew, people prayed.

The way I heard it: "He put the fear of God into more people with his flying than you ever did with your preaching"
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Old 15-12-2014, 03:11   #4264
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Re: The Joke Thread

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated,Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
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Old 16-12-2014, 12:08   #4265
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Re: The Joke Thread

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
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Old 16-12-2014, 16:45   #4266
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here are some pictures from the early years of some of our Members...that may help explain their personalities ...

Yougrowingup.pps - Google Slides - Google Docs
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Old 17-12-2014, 04:18   #4267
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Re: The Joke Thread

The bucket of water shot is a corker, the completely oblivious look on the old guys face, priceless :lol:


T1 Terry
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Old 17-12-2014, 15:46   #4268
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young Italian man takes a mid-thigh to head nude photo of himself intending to send it to his girlfriend. His mom phones and complains that not only doesn't she see him anymore but she doesn't even have a current picture of him.

Since he's a frugal lad, he cuts the picture in half figuring to send the top to mom and the bottom to his girlfriend. As luck would have it, he sends the bottom part to dear old ma. Mom looks at the picture and says, "That'sa my Luigi. Longa nose, baggy cheeks and ain'ta shaved in a week."
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Old 18-12-2014, 21:22   #4269
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Re: The Joke Thread

Aussie humour


Sheila stepped delicately out of the shower and slipped on the wet bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled.
Bruce gulped down his tinny and came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned meself to the floor," she said .
"Strewth Sheila," said Bruce as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck fast girl. I'll nip across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
Bruce and Cobba come running back and they both try to pull Sheila free.
"No way Bruce mate, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Cobba,
"Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's Plan B"?
"I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Replied Cobba.
"Spot on, mate" said Bruce. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" said Cobba, "Not exactly a good time for that, mate."
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive.
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Old 18-12-2014, 22:22   #4270
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Re: The Joke Thread

This otta fit in the 500 a month thread somewhere, has me rolling.
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Old 19-12-2014, 00:34   #4271
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ravinracin View Post
This otta fit in the 500 a month thread somewhere, has me rolling.
Same here... Painfully too graphic an Aussie solution that kept me in stitches
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Old 19-12-2014, 17:19   #4272
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Re: The Joke Thread

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest, with a golf club up his ass, while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.
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Old 20-12-2014, 19:23   #4273
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Re: The Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace...

.... The Guide to Appropriate Commenting

Rule #1: Try to use words in your commenting that you would never use in front of your children. The more curses you can fit into one line, the more the others you are addressing will realize the intensity of what you are feeling. For example, simply writing something like "I don't agree with that decision," is totally open to interpretation and will just confuse your reader with its logic. They will be thinking to themselves, "what does that really mean?" It is so much clearer when someone writes something more like this: "that b-llsh-t is f-ck-n crap." Ah cha. Finally. Now I understand what you are saying.

Rule #2: Please remember that intensity doesn't need to be through the use of cursing. It can also be displayed through the use of caps lock, or Internet yelling. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Not to be mistaken with the much quieter but equally as strong, "What is that supposed to mean?" So, let's not be meek, people. No library voices here. This is the comments section DAMMIT. If I don't write it here, I will actually have to speak to people about it. Like while standing right in front of them to hear their direct comment back to me. Is there even a name for such ridiculousness?

Rule #3: If you have any doubt about what to write in a comments section, just stick with "you (or for those in the know, it is actually written "u") guys are idiots." But make sure not to direct the comment at anyone in particular. That way, enough people will think that you are talking about them to inspire a whole new slew of comments where people re-defend their earlier position. But now they are upset about this non-constructive and blatant criticism and their subsequent comments are going to be even meaner and less relevant to their original point. This will lead to more miscommunication amongst us all. Which as we all know leads to better reality TV shows. And if that ain't what we are all on a quest for, then I am just not sure what it is all about!

And finally, Rule #4: Here I shall quote my wonderful mother who always told me that if you have nothing nice to say, keep your mouth shut. Umm...sorry mom...not applicable. This is the Internet, people. You don't even need your mouth. You are technically only using your fingers. Have you really said anything at all if you have done is type it out? Does a tree fall in the woods if there is no one nearby to hear it?

So, this holiday season, this is my request to you. I ask you to sit down in front of your computer (unless you are at home in which case you are welcome to sit on your couch) with a cup of semi-hot coffee and a banana nut mini muffin and ask yourself, really really ask yourself, what I think is the only important question left: If cheerleading is a sport, isn't it about time that the cheerleaders get to have their own cheerleaders? Think about it.


Full credit and the complete article ref this link:
The Guide to Appropriate Commenting

And can anybody PLEASE original-source this photo?
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Old 21-12-2014, 06:21   #4274
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
And can anybody PLEASE original-source this photo?
A Google image search comes up with Boone Lake Marina in Tennessee.



Of course, they may have pinched it from someone else's website, who knows?
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Old 21-12-2014, 10:08   #4275
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Re: The Joke Thread

The best info I can find is that it came from a site called vgreet.com. This picture has been cropped. It originally had "Merry Christmas" across the top and the vgreet.com tag in the lower left corner.
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