The Joke Thread

[Weatherhelm]

A guy goes to a doctor and says mmmfmmmmmfffmmmmfffff. The doctor asks hm again, the guy says mmmfmmmmmfffmmmmfffff. Doctor then does a complete exam, cat scan, the works. Doc then consults with patient and explains the issue is your penis is too long, it's pulling your vocal cords down making it so you can't talk. The doctor then goes on to explain that the only cure is to cut off about 10 to 12 inches of penis. The patient thinks awhile and finally consents.

Operation is over and the patient returns a few weeks later. The patient is happy, the wife is enjoying sex, he can talk, his back doesn't hurt, a huge success! The patient then goes on to rave about the operation and what a great surgeon he had. Patient then tells the doctor that he would like to recommend all his friends to him, explain what a great surgeon he is, just so happy. Patient finally tells the doctor I would like to have the 12 inches back to put onto a jar as a conversation piece and to explain to his friends what happened. So he says to the doc, can I have my 12 inches of penis back?

The doctor says:















































mmmfmmmmmfffmmmmfffff!!!

[GordMay]

A priest, a rabbi, and a plumber are bareboating in the Caribbean, when they discover the cabin is filling with water, and they are in imminent danger of sinking.
"Oh, Lord," says the priest, "if you would let us walk on water as you did your Son, we could make it to that island over there and be saved." Then he steps off the stern of the boat and is drowned.
"Oh, Lord," says the rabbi, "if you would part the seas for us, as you once did for your chosen people, we could make it to that island over there and be saved." Then he steps off the stern of the boat and is drowned.
"Oh, Lord," says the plumber, "did you say to turn the handle on the seacock clockwise or counterclockwise?"

[socaldmax]

While not technically a joke, it did bring a huge smile to my face and definitely put me in a Christmas spirit!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqKb1OGpDjo

If that didn't put a smile on your face, please see your doctor!

[D&D]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

please see your doctor!

...OK, but...

During my prostate exam I asked my doctor "Where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

[avb3]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

While not technically a joke, it did bring a huge smile to my face and definitely put me in a Christmas spirit!

If that didn't put a smile on your face, please see your doctor!

Talented, but all the 'ink' is a huge turn off, at least for me. I just don't get it.

[captain58sailin]

That is some serious muscle control.

[frank_f]

Originally Posted by avb3

Talented, but all the 'ink' is a huge turn off, at least for me. I just don't get it.

She had ink? I'll have to review this,... several times most likely.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by avb3

Talented, but all the 'ink' is a huge turn off, at least for me. I just don't get it.

+1 Blech....

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by avb3

Talented, but all the 'ink' is a huge turn off, at least for me. I just don't get it.

The silicone is a bigger turn off than the ink.

[scotty c-m]

I didn't think it was funny, and I watched it 20 times!

[Cormorant]

This is an amusing analysis of all David Letterman's "Top 10" lists over his 29-year career. Too long to copy-and-paste, but worth a click:

Letterman Top Ten: A statistical analysis of 30 years of Top Ten Lists from David Letterman. Why so many Regis jokes?

[avb3]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

"That's no better either, Hamish. "

"Now, how about you, Paddy? "

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; " London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy! " said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said;
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

[Irish rambler]

A young guy from Toronto moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Toronto."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Toronto but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

[Irish rambler]

A

little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " He asked.

" Well, " his mother said, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I? "

[Hoofsmit]

It made me chuckle
Although I thought about posting it in the terminology thread


Sent from my iPad.......i apologise for the auto corrects !!!