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Old 05-12-2014, 17:32   #4231
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Re: The Joke Thread

St. Peter was watching the pearly gates one afternoon when Jesus came around to see him. "Oh great! Glad you're here" Peter says "Can you watch the gates for a minute?"
Jesus nods and Pete runs off in a hurry. Soon an old man walks up to the gate.
"Well" Jesus says "Tell me your life story."
The old man looks up and says "I don't remember too much when I died but I remember I was a carpenter and I had a son that was world famous!"
Jesus looks at him and says "Papa?"
The old man says "Pinocchio?"


T1 Terry
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Old 05-12-2014, 17:41   #4232
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Re: The Joke Thread

The atheists of the world salute you
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Old 06-12-2014, 10:31   #4233
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerald Sea View Post
One morning a shipwrecked mariner noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months ago. As the object came closer, he realised that it was a large barrel. Then he saw that hanging on to the barrel was a beautiful woman. In fact, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards the sailor and whispered into his ear, 'I have something you want!'

The mariner broke into a run towards the breaking waves yelling, 'Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!”




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Actually she whispered "you want to play around ?" and he jumped up and asked "You have golf clubs in there ?!"
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Old 06-12-2014, 11:09   #4234
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Re: The Joke Thread

Today's reading is from the Book of Corporate Life, Chapter 11 , verses 1-15:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions.
3. And the Assumptions were without Form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of **** and **** stinks."
7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell."
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another; "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
11. And the directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him "It has very powerful effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And that is how **** happens.

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Old 06-12-2014, 11:33   #4235
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Re: The Joke Thread

Amen Brother!
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Old 06-12-2014, 18:34   #4236
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Re: The Joke Thread

Love Story

A couple was shopping at the mall and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a soft voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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Old 07-12-2014, 06:15   #4237
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's a couple of memes
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Old 07-12-2014, 10:34   #4238
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared brazenly at the wine for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back.'
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Old 07-12-2014, 12:26   #4239
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Re: The Joke Thread

Too funny!!
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Old 08-12-2014, 16:46   #4240
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Re: The Joke Thread

And that's when the argument started...



The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

---

Honorable mention:

Found out the wife was bisexual; she said you want sex, you buy it.
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Old 08-12-2014, 19:21   #4241
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young couple was so poor when they got married, they bought $10 stainless rings and got married at the justice of the peace, with no honeymoon. The man loved his wife very much and promised her that someday, he'd take her on a fantastic honeymoon to Hawaii and they would spare no expense!

His wife suggested that every time they made love, they put $5 into a jar to help pay for this honeymoon. For a while there, they were doing it twice a day, and things were looking pretty good. After a while, things tapered off and they were down to once a day, then down to once every Sat. and Sun., then after 10 yrs, they were down to special occasions, Valentine's Day, Steak and Knobber day, Christmas and birthdays.

After 20 yrs, they broke open the jar and were pleasantly surprised to find out they had $12,000 in the jar and they booked a 2 week trip to Hawaii, first class all of the way!

They got a hotel room right near the beach in Waikiki, down by the Zoo, where all of the nightclubs and hookers are. They had a great time, dancing all night, partying and sunbathing all day, shopping in the afternoons, then hitting happy hour at one of the local bars.

Finally the 2 weeks came to an end and they were on the plane heading home. The loving husband turned to his wife and asked how she enjoyed the trip. She replied, "I talked to one of the hookers down by our hotel! They get $200 every time they have sex, you've been shortchanging me $195 every time for all of these years! As soon as we get back, prices are going up, you sonofab**ch!!"
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Old 09-12-2014, 15:51   #4242
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Re: The Joke Thread

Funny thread!

A few years ago, I was anchored out in the middle of nowhere in BC, Canada and this young dude anchored next to me.



We were the only boats in the bay. I was thinking, 'alright dude, don't look at me, I'm all good.'

I added this guy to my list of 'funny boat names for different types of boaters'.

Clever boat names for each type of boater - All things boat

Enjoy,
K
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Old 10-12-2014, 08:13   #4243
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Re: The Joke Thread

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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Old 10-12-2014, 08:15   #4244
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Re: The Joke Thread

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the 54' flat screen out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?





‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
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Old 10-12-2014, 08:18   #4245
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Re: The Joke Thread

What's the only difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones say "hey, you, get off of my my cloud".

The Scotsman says, "hey McCloud get off of my ewe".
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