The Joke Thread

[a64pilot]

The Parrot joke is hilarious

[avb3]

This is a real group and they really called themselves this.

Who was doing the thinking??

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[BandB]

Originally Posted by avb3

This is a real group and they really called themselves this.

Who was doing the thinking??

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

They actually are an amazing group of volunteers. We felt compelled by the name to find out more and they are raising very substantial amounts to improve palliative care at the local hospital. As they say, one room at a time. The inspiration was their friend's death at the age of 31 from cervical cancer. One of their fundraising events was the “Underwear Affair for Cancers Below the Waist”. Their name certainly did it's job in getting our attention and a small donation as well. Amazing to see a group band together as they have for a cause. They have so much energy and drive. And, of course, a great sense of naughty humor.

[socaldmax]

Sounds like a good name for a new game...

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileIn "I've heard this before" land.... The latest scam:


A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 2 & 4th, twice on the 8th, three times on the 11th, the 18th, last weekend and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald’s. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

[El Pinguino]

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, and the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won, thus leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.....

[D&D]

Elk Sex
Two old sailors are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that 'Elks' have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aww, crap,"says his friend, "and I just joined the 'Knights of Columbus'!"

[StuM]

Mommy, Mommy! How do lions make love?
.
.
.
.
I don't know son, all your fathers friends are Rotarians.

[atoll]

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."


A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work

[D&D]

BRITISH HUMOR
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER..
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale....

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100...


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick_____

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
________________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Emerald Sea]

One morning a shipwrecked mariner noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months ago. As the object came closer, he realised that it was a large barrel. Then he saw that hanging on to the barrel was a beautiful woman. In fact, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards the sailor and whispered into his ear, 'I have something you want!'

The mariner broke into a run towards the breaking waves yelling, 'Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!”



Steve
L450
SV Emerald Sea

[carstenb]

Confidence...

A fighter pilot walks into a pub and sits down next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to communicate with me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

"Well, it says you’re not wearing panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be faulty because I am!”

The fighter pilot smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast!”

And that, my friends…......is Confidence!

[carstenb]

Know what you are taking


I
knew they would eventually release….the
ingredients in Viagra!

•
Vitamin
E
3%
•
Aspirin
2%
•
Ibuprofen
2%
•
Vitamin
C
1%
•
Spray
Starch
5%
•
Fix-A-Flat
87%

[carstenb]

"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal."

[GordMay]

A man goes into the pharmacist and asks for some viagra.
’Have you got a prescription,’ the chemist asks him.
’No, but will a picture of my wife do?’ the man says.



The company that makes Viagra has announced a plan to use proceeds from Viagra sales to finance the development of a pill for women that will make elderly men desirable.
What a waste of time ... it's been around for years.

It's called money.