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Old 19-11-2014, 13:52   #4186
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was following a tractor on my way in to work this morning, it had banners all over it saying 'the end is nigh' and 'Prepare to meet your maker'


It was Farmer Geddon!

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Old 19-11-2014, 13:55   #4187
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.



She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need
to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for 44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be 58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for 44. How did you get 58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is 11, and the Fish Bait is 3.50."
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Old 19-11-2014, 13:57   #4188
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Re: The Joke Thread

My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

Coops.
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Old 19-11-2014, 13:58   #4189
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Re: The Joke Thread

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:


"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

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Old 19-11-2014, 14:01   #4190
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Re: The Joke Thread

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the
perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault
'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the
average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it
is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission
fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to
start in the morning! Some have reported that
on cold winter mornings, when you really need it,
you can't get it to turn over. New models
are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models
may initially appear to have curb appeal and a
low price, but eventually have an increased
appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically
increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

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Old 19-11-2014, 14:04   #4191
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Re: The Joke Thread

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Old 19-11-2014, 14:06   #4192
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Re: The Joke Thread

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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Old 19-11-2014, 14:07   #4193
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Re: The Joke Thread

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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Old 19-11-2014, 14:09   #4194
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Re: The Joke Thread

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

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Old 19-11-2014, 14:25   #4195
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

Coops.
See post 3116 (I like the 2nd way you told it better)
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Old 19-11-2014, 14:31   #4196
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Re: The Joke Thread

This'll probably be another repeat, but ah well...
Men Are Just Happier People --


What do you expect from such simple creatures?


Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.


Wedding plans take care of themselves.


Chocolate is just another snack...


You can never be pregnant.


You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth.


The world is your urinal.


You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.


You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character.


Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.


People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.


One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over
in 30 seconds flat.


You know stuff about tanks.


A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.


You can open all your own jars.


If someone forgets to invite you,


He or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.


Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


Everything on your face stays
its original color.


The same hairstyle lasts for years,
even decades.


You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.


One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter
how your legs look.


You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.


You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.



___________________________________




NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.


When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!!!



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Old 19-11-2014, 14:47   #4197
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
See post 3116 (I like the 2nd way you told it better)
They get better the more you tell 'em obviously.

Sorry about the duplicates sometimes guys, not going to plough through all the pages to see if I posted it before.

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Old 19-11-2014, 15:05   #4198
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Re: The Joke Thread

Its 1955 at a SAC B-36 base and an F-86 pilot is requesting landing instructions. He is low on fuel and asks for priority.
The tower tells him he is second in line behind a B-36 with an engine out.
The Jet pilots response ...
Ahh, the dreaded 5 engine landing.
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Old 19-11-2014, 15:33   #4199
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
They get better the more you tell 'em obviously.

Sorry about the duplicates sometimes guys, not going to plough through all the pages to see if I posted it before.

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they say the memory is the second thing to go.
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Old 19-11-2014, 15:42   #4200
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Re: The Joke Thread

They do, but that means that you forget what the first one was.

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