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Old 07-11-2014, 13:55   #4111
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Re: The Joke Thread

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.


When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."


But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.


Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.


From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.


Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.


Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.


The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"


"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck! "
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Old 07-11-2014, 14:01   #4112
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Re: The Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInAlaska...

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Alaska. He said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is at fifteen degrees (F) and still dropping... and the wind is increasing to near gale force.

Even the plows are having a hard time getting around.

The schools are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the streets.

He said his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window for hours on end, just staring.

He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.





Current marine forecast for Kiska to Attu {Nov 7, 2014}

Tonight W wind 20 kt becoming S 30 kt after midnight.
Seas 13 ft. Patchy fog.

Fri SE wind 45 kt becoming S 70 kt in the afternoon.
Bering side...seas 19 ft building to 29 ft in the afternoon.
Pacific side...seas 23 ft building to 39 ft in the afternoon. Patchy fog. Rain.

Fri Night SW wind 70 kt.
Seas 44 ft bering side...48 ft pacific side. Rain and snow.

Sat And Sat Night W wind 60 kt. Seas 43 ft.

Sun NW wind 50 kt. Seas 32 ft.
Mon W wind 35 kt. Seas 21 ft.
Tue NW wind 30 kt. Seas 19 ft.
Keep your heads down, fellas...
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Old 11-11-2014, 06:41   #4113
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Re: The Joke Thread

I've just published my own DIY book.

It's 250 blank (loose) pages, and comes with a free pen.
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Old 11-11-2014, 11:42   #4114
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
I've just published my own DIY book.

It's 250 blank (loose) pages, and comes with a free pen.
Do any of those pages say "This page left intentionally blank" which, of course, can never be true.
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Old 11-11-2014, 13:57   #4115
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by capt-couillon View Post
FANTASICO!!!!!
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Old 11-11-2014, 13:58   #4116
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Re: The Joke Thread

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.


One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers
at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old
toothless woman.


They are both thinking the exact same thing... what
is it?
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Old 11-11-2014, 13:59   #4117
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Re: The Joke Thread

DLD.

Coops.
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Old 11-11-2014, 14:20   #4118
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Re: The Joke Thread

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DLD.

Coops.
No fair.

You probably wrote it.

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Old 11-11-2014, 14:22   #4119
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
No fair.

You probably wrote it.

I heard it as the Queen Mother. Even worse.

Coops.
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Old 11-11-2014, 14:25   #4120
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Coops View Post
I heard it as the Queen Mother. Even worse.

Coops.
I thought she had teeth?
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Old 11-11-2014, 14:27   #4121
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Re: The Joke Thread

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I thought she had teeth?
You must have had an imposter. How much did she rip you off?

Coops.
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Old 11-11-2014, 14:32   #4122
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Re: The Joke Thread

In response to my teenage children's demands:

I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow doesn't look good either!
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Old 11-11-2014, 14:39   #4123
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
You must have had an imposter. How much did she rip you off?

Coops.
You knew the Queen's mother? And I mean "knew" in the full blown biblical sense!
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Old 11-11-2014, 15:19   #4124
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
You knew the Queen's mother? And I mean "knew" in the full blown biblical sense!
Obviously, in this case, with the emphasis on "blown."

Coops.
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Old 11-11-2014, 15:39   #4125
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why is a ship called a she?

- Becasue there is always a great deal of bustle around her
- There is usually a gang of men around her
- She has a waist and stays
- It takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good
- It is not the initial expense but the upkeep that gets you
- She can be all decked out
- It takes an experienceed man to handle her correctly
- Wihtout a man she is totally uncontrollable
- Shes shows her topsides, hhides her bottoms and when she comes to port she heads for the buoys
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