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Old 30-10-2014, 12:52   #4096
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Re: The Joke Thread

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have read in recent times:

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . . it's women who make it hard."
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Old 30-10-2014, 14:45   #4097
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Re: The Joke Thread

avb3 -- That is priceless!
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Old 30-10-2014, 16:03   #4098
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Re: The Joke Thread

“Life is like a penis:
It's short but it seems so long when it gets hard!”

“Life's like a penis;
When it's soft you can't beat it.
When it's hard you get screwed. “

“A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an *******, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him!“
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Old 30-10-2014, 16:11   #4099
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Re: The Joke Thread

What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.

Remember when we were young and we did it all night?
Now it takes all night.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
You get a 40' long cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
You get a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
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Old 02-11-2014, 06:48   #4100
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay
DEPARTMENT OF FISHERIES AND OCEANS
OTTAWA, ONTARIO

TO: COMMODORE B. SCHIMMEL

RE: STATUS REPORT OF OUR INNOVATIVE SPORT FISH BREEDING PROGRAMME

Thank you for your inquiry into the progress of our latest experiment in genetic engineering of a superior sport fish. As requested by your club, we have developed a fish that has the most desirable attributes for the Canadian Sport Fishing Enthusiast.

First, the fish must have a light, pink-coloured flesh that would tantalize the taste buds of the most critical gourmet. The Coho was chosen for its texture, flavour, and presentation appeal.

Second, the fish should be a vigorous fighter to thrill young and old alike. This characteristic is best exemplified in the Walleye.

We crossed the Coho with the Walleye and succeeded in attaining our goal of producing a fish that is both a very vigorous fighter and a delight to the most discriminating palate. We named this new species the Cowall.

Thrilled with this initial success, we then proceeded to enhance the Cowall by improving its stamina and weight of up to 60 pounds to challenge the mettle of both the angler and his or her choice of tackle. The mighty Muskellunge (Muskie) was the obvious choice to meet this requirement.

We crossed the Cowall with the Muskie and were rewarded with a fish that has all the desirable characteristics of the ideal Canadian Sport Fish. It is a vigorous fighter. It has unbelievable stamina for sustained battle. And it is tasty beyond belief. We named it the Cowalski.

However, there is an unexpected delay in releasing this new species.

Before we can release this species to the public, our biologists must teach the Cowalski to swim.
As a "ski", I approve this joke.
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Old 02-11-2014, 07:09   #4101
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Re: The Joke Thread

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole,and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager.
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Old 02-11-2014, 14:48   #4102
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Re: The Joke Thread

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominentlydisplayedin the window of a business in
CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.


You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.
You may say'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.
(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= Bless the Scots =
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Old 03-11-2014, 13:26   #4103
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Re: The Joke Thread

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Old 04-11-2014, 14:15   #4104
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Re: The Joke Thread

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried..

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s...

1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).


ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.
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Old 04-11-2014, 14:29   #4105
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Re: The Joke Thread

Classical musicians and a hot pepper. Watch their faces after the (h)eat.

Classical orchestra performs while eating the worlds hottest chili peppers. [VIDEO]

Coops.
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Old 05-11-2014, 15:57   #4106
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Re: The Joke Thread

Tried to register on google last night.....................



WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiv eMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Old 05-11-2014, 22:02   #4107
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Re: The Joke Thread

A


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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Old 05-11-2014, 23:38   #4108
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Re: The Joke Thread

I usually enjoy a good Iphone joke, but I don't get that one.
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Old 07-11-2014, 04:45   #4109
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 07-11-2014, 05:16   #4110
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Re: The Joke Thread

I've just published my own DIY book.

It's 250 blank (loose) pages, and comes with a free (empty) pen.
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