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Old 27-10-2014, 09:39   #4081
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Re: The Joke Thread

Okay, I remember the punchline but I forgot the joke. The punchline is,"Pardon me boys. Is that the cat that ate your new shoes?"
Anyone know what leads up to it?
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Old 27-10-2014, 09:52   #4082
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Re: The Joke Thread

I went to the doctor the other day for a routine checkup.
After a while he told me I had to stop masturbating.
I asked him why since it surely couldn't be bad for my health.
He replied "no, no its perfectly healthy ...
It's just distracting."
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Old 27-10-2014, 10:00   #4083
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Re: The Joke Thread

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked?

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged 5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still 5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

I know, the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your 15,000 inheritance in person."
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Old 27-10-2014, 15:22   #4084
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Re: The Joke Thread

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding asource of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his lastbreath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that
he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
screwed the top, and out popped a genie.

BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic
Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat,side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks at you - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever
seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'



* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
Rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's
going to be a string attached!
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Old 28-10-2014, 12:40   #4085
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayana42 View Post
Okay, I remember the punchline but I forgot the joke. The punchline is,"Pardon me boys. Is that the cat that ate your new shoes?"
Anyone know what leads up to it?
Roy Rogers was out riding the range in his fancy new Tony Lama's. Out of nowhere came a puma that Roy was able to fend off with his boots, but not without damage to them. Ticked off, Roy went home, told Dale the story, grabbed his rifle and went back out for the puma.

On his return, with the puma now tied across the rump of his horse, Dale comes out of the house and greets him with: "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
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Old 28-10-2014, 13:02   #4086
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Re: The Joke Thread

* In case it was lost on anyone, the punch line is sung to the tune of "Pardon Me Boy, Is That the Chattanooga Choo-choo??
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Old 29-10-2014, 07:35   #4087
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
That's messed up. Funny! but messed up
I know right???

Gordo's on a roll !!!
GREAT STUFF!!!
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Old 29-10-2014, 08:31   #4088
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Re: The Joke Thread

ronrelyea, that's it. Thanks for the joke.


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Old 29-10-2014, 08:34   #4089
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Re: The Joke Thread

2 angels are discussing a problem. It appears too many people are masturbating on earth, a sin, and the 2 angels were tasked to come up with a solution to this problem tugging at the elite in heaven. After much back and forth, the 2 angels decided they would present an award in the form of a plaque which they would present to the winner upon their arrival at the Pearly Gates.

Does anyone know what salutation was engraved on the plaque?
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Old 29-10-2014, 09:25   #4090
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 29-10-2014, 09:38   #4091
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Re: The Joke Thread

I tried to order a Tony Romo bobble head doll yesterday. Turns out they have all been recalled due to choking hazard.....
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Old 30-10-2014, 06:43   #4092
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Re: The Joke Thread

DEPARTMENT OF FISHERIES AND OCEANS
OTTAWA, ONTARIO

TO: COMMODORE B. SCHIMMEL

RE: STATUS REPORT OF OUR INNOVATIVE SPORT FISH BREEDING PROGRAMME

Thank you for your inquiry into the progress of our latest experiment in genetic engineering of a superior sport fish. As requested by your club, we have developed a fish that has the most desirable attributes for the Canadian Sport Fishing Enthusiast.

First, the fish must have a light, pink-coloured flesh that would tantalize the taste buds of the most critical gourmet. The Coho was chosen for its texture, flavour, and presentation appeal.

Second, the fish should be a vigorous fighter to thrill young and old alike. This characteristic is best exemplified in the Walleye.

We crossed the Coho with the Walleye and succeeded in attaining our goal of producing a fish that is both a very vigorous fighter and a delight to the most discriminating palate. We named this new species the Cowall.

Thrilled with this initial success, we then proceeded to enhance the Cowall by improving its stamina and weight of up to 60 pounds to challenge the mettle of both the angler and his or her choice of tackle. The mighty Muskellunge (Muskie) was the obvious choice to meet this requirement.

We crossed the Cowall with the Muskie and were rewarded with a fish that has all the desirable characteristics of the ideal Canadian Sport Fish. It is a vigorous fighter. It has unbelievable stamina for sustained battle. And it is tasty beyond belief. We named it the Cowalski.

However, there is an unexpected delay in releasing this new species.

Before we can release this species to the public, our biologists must teach the Cowalski to swim.
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Old 30-10-2014, 08:48   #4093
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Re: The Joke Thread

As a Great Lakes sailor, I am familiar with this great joke - thanks Gord!
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Old 30-10-2014, 08:50   #4094
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Re: The Joke Thread

What do you call a Milwaukee Surf & Turf? Carp and Kielbasa. Or Cud and Scud. Or Pounder & Flounder.
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Old 30-10-2014, 10:32   #4095
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

As they are standing at the pearly gates God informs them both that Oswald did in fact shoot Kennedy; man has landed on the moon; and the World Trade Center towers were taken down by 19 Muslim terrorists.

One conspiracy advocate whispers to the other,

"I told you it goes all the way to the top."

***

My wife reckons my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

I wonder how much dirty money the government paid her to say that?
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