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Old 14-10-2014, 13:55   #4021
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ok, I was with you up to here

Quote:
Originally Posted by wsulli View Post

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
At that point, all I could think of was "Wait a minute. This sounds like the Village People." which threw me back to

Quote:
Originally Posted by wsulli View Post

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.


Now I'll never know how to tell a Republican from a Democrat.
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Old 14-10-2014, 20:24   #4022
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger.


The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read......



This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Coops.
I thought that was from the 70's southern comedy show HEE HAW, with Roy Clark and Buck Owen. One of the best sketches ever.


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Old 15-10-2014, 08:40   #4023
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by wsulli View Post


Here ends today's lesson in world history:

Best read in a VERY LONG time!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by wsulli View Post

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim jihadist
fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of
all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and
abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County
Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think that I completely wasted two stamps...

"I love this country, it's the government I'm afraid of."
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
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Old 15-10-2014, 09:10   #4024
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Re: The Joke Thread

Rindercella?
Goonerisms Spalore!
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Old 15-10-2014, 21:49   #4025
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Re: The Joke Thread

Anyone into survival (freeze dried) foods?


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Old 16-10-2014, 08:32   #4026
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 16-10-2014, 11:21   #4027
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3 View Post
How did you get in my house?
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Old 16-10-2014, 21:31   #4028
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q & A's

Q:If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
A: Don't know but when I was caught shoplifting they made me take my pants off!

Q: Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
A: Taxes!

Q: Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A: No, you have to wear your birthday suite!

Q: Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
A: For some their ass is twice the size of their breasts!

Q: Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
A: As far as I know, in Canada and Calif. you would have to have two corpse!

Q: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
A: Probably the same oil they use for Girl Scout cookies!

Q: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A: For some the answer would be yes!

Q: Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
A: The same reason you park in a driveway, or drive in a parkway! Everything is bass ackwards.
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Old 17-10-2014, 09:08   #4029
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Re: The Joke Thread

So, the Irish lush, penny pinching Scotsman and the sodomite Greek have just died. When they approach the Pearly Gates, St Peter consults the book and becomes very ashen faced. He disappears for what seems an eternity, and re-appears with the head honcho.

"There's been a mistake, neither one of you should have died", says the supreme being. "But, we can't just send you back, it would set a bad precedent. Here's what we'll do - we will send all 3 of you back, but you can no longer engage in your favorite activity. This means no more drinking for the Irishman, no miserly activity for the Scotsman, and no more rearing by the Greek".

All 3 reluctantly agree and are sent back to the land of the living. Once there, they are walking down the street and pass several bars. At the site of the 5th bar, the Irishman declares, "I can't do it, boys - I have to have a wee dram". The moment he touches the door, he disappears. The remaining 2 continue walking, the Scotsman passing by several coins lying on the street but finally declares, "I can't walk by these riches", at which point he bends over to pick up the coin and the Greek disappears.
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Old 20-10-2014, 11:48   #4030
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Re: The Joke Thread

An older, balding, white haired, fellow from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
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Old 20-10-2014, 12:00   #4031
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Re: The Joke Thread

Miss Beatrice, a devout church member, was in her eighties and lived alone having never been married. She arrived neatly dressed at church every Sunday, rain or shine without fail. So when it'd been three Sundays in a row that she hadn't attended Sunday Service the pastor became worried about her. He decided he'd visit her that Sunday after the service.

Pastor Dunlevy arrived at Miss Beatrice's home just after the lunch hour and rang the bell. She answered the door and let him in, still wearing her pajamas, slippers and housecoat. A poor attempt had been made at doing something with her hair. Overall, she looked terrible.

Pastor Dunlevy asked how she was doing, as they'd missed her at church these past three Sundays. She said that she felt terrible about missing church but was simply too sick to come - for fear she wouldn't have the strength or, worse, that someone else would catch what she had. And she feared it'd be at least another week or two before her doctor would give her the 'all-clear' to resume attending services on Sunday.

Pastor Dunlevy felt terrible for her and had an idea of how to comfort her. He asked if she'd like for him to perform her own personal Sunday Service for her right there in her home, right then. "Oh, yes" Miss Beatrice exclaimed, "that would be wonderful." So he did. Basically the same sermon he'd given at the church earlier that morning. She was elated and felt comforted by the sermon.

All the while that Pastor Dunlevy had been in her living room he'd been eying a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. After performing the private sermon he was felling hungry as he'd come straight from church and hadn't had any lunch. So he nibbled on a few of the peanuts. Before he knew it he'd eaten the entire bowl.

After his visit with Miss Beatrice, as he was getting ready to leave, he attempted to give a five dollar bill to Miss Beatrice. She asked what it was for and he replied that he felt guilty for eating all of her peanuts and wanted to pay for them, so that she might replace them the next time she did her shopping. "Oh, no need for that" she replied. "I've been too sick to eat them anyway, I've only been sucking the chocolate off of them and putting them back in the bowl."
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Old 20-10-2014, 12:01   #4032
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt, and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later a second text came in:

Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi" not "wife".
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Old 20-10-2014, 12:03   #4033
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Re: The Joke Thread

What's the difference between a epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits....
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Old 20-10-2014, 15:26   #4034
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Re: The Joke Thread

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!
-------------------------------------

I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”


--------------------------
*
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'



----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
--------------------------------------------


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
------------------------------------


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

-------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.




TRUE STORY
:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a notable politician happened to appear. The poli took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' he asked.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

The poli thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


Sadly, they walk among us!

TrafficCamera

A man was driving when he saw the
flash of a traffic camera.He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though heknew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic cameraagain flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..


You can't fix stupid.
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Old 20-10-2014, 19:37   #4035
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Re: The Joke Thread

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