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Old 22-09-2014, 18:13   #3961
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Re: The Joke Thread



Don't you just hate when that happens?
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Old 22-09-2014, 18:22   #3962
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Don't you just hate when that happens?
Today on television as we were taking a break for lunch, Lauren Graham was telling about going to a camp for four days with a friend. Apparently a commune with nature, find yourself, rough it kind of place. So, Lauren's story was something like this.

As we were heading out they handed my friend some tissue and she asked what it was for. They told her for when she went to the bathroom. She said, "I'm sure the toilet will have paper." The lady looked back at her and said "What toilet? You're going to be out in the woods."
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Old 22-09-2014, 23:29   #3963
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Re: The Joke Thread

Father Hickey had to go to the rest room, so he asked a young priest to stand in for him and hear confessions. Bridget confessed that she had given her boy friend a blowjob.
The young priest was unsure as to what penance to give, so he sneaked out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "What does Father Hickey give for a blow-job?"
The boy replied without hesitation, "Either an ice-cream or a Snickers bar."
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Old 22-09-2014, 23:33   #3964
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Re: The Joke Thread

The young nun followed the older nun on their bicycles through the busy streets from the convent to the orphanage on the other side of town. At the end of a long day they were riding back when the older nun said she knew a shortcut through town that would save them ten minutes. When they arrived, teh young nun said, "I've never come that way before!"

"I know," said the older nun, "It's the cobblestones!"
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Old 22-09-2014, 23:54   #3965
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jesus Christ and Saint Peter go out to play golf. Saint Peter steps up to the first tee. He's got the sharp designer vines. Even got a brand-new yellow Amana hat. (Amana sewed up a sponsorship deal long before anyone else, and Nike couldn't even get in the door.) Clubheads that gleam in the heavenly light like stars on sticks. Takes out a golden tee. Puts down a fresh Titleist Balata. Smacks it down the fairway for a clean 265, dead center. Ball sits in the green grass like a distant white diamond. Allows himself a little smirk as he steps out of the tee box. Listens carefully to hear if a cock is crowing.

Anyway, Jesus up next. Old robe. Sawdust up to his elbows (somebody needed a coffee table finished that morning). Got a black rock tied to a cane pole. Got a range ball with a red stripe around its middle and a deep slice up one side. Hits the ball with the rock, and it goes straight up in the air. It is plucked away by a passing pileated woodpecker, which flaps off down the fairway toward the green. Stiff head wind blows up. Woodpecker begins to labor. Just over the front fringe of the green, woodpecker suffers a fatal heart attack. Drops the ball onto the back of a passing box turtle. Ball sticks. Turtle carries the ball toward the hole. At the lip of the cup, turtle sneezes.

Ball drops into the hole.

Saint Peter shakes his head.

"You gonna play golf?" he asks Jesus. "Or you gonna screw around?"
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Old 23-09-2014, 00:04   #3966
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jesus and St. Peter were playing a round of golf one day. On number 5, a par 4 with a water hazard in front of the green, Jesus was getting ready for his second shot. "Jack Nicklaus would use a 7 iron", Jesus said. "You’re not Jack Nicklaus: use your 5 iron" was Peter’s reply. "No, Jack Nicklaus could do this with a 7 iron and so can I" was his reply. Jesus swung and the ball soared off to fall in the center of the pond.

"Drop another ball and try again, but this time use the 5 iron" said Peter. "No, Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron, and so will I," Jesus insisted After Jesus lost four balls this way he started off down the fairway to retrieve them. Another foursome came up behind Peter just as Jesus started to walk out onto the water. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?!?!?" one of them said in astonishment. "No." sighed Peter, "He thinks he’s Jack Nicklaus!"
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Old 23-09-2014, 00:08   #3967
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Re: The Joke Thread

The latest IOS8 enhancement!!
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Old 23-09-2014, 13:24   #3968
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Re: The Joke Thread

Someone appears to be annoyed!

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Old 23-09-2014, 14:22   #3969
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Re: The Joke Thread

Aint' it great.

Make your own billboard
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Old 25-09-2014, 08:04   #3970
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Re: The Joke Thread

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle.” "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at,” replied the doctor.
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Old 25-09-2014, 09:07   #3971
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Re: The Joke Thread

You mean someone else nailed that beaver??
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Old 25-09-2014, 09:46   #3972
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Re: The Joke Thread

You trap beaver, don't nail it.
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Old 25-09-2014, 10:49   #3973
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Re: The Joke Thread

Or take the taxidermy route....

"Nice Beaver"
"Thanks, I just had it stuffed."
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Old 25-09-2014, 11:29   #3974
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by captain58sailin View Post
You trap beaver, don't nail it.
but once trapped, nailing is more fun
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Old 25-09-2014, 12:19   #3975
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Re: The Joke Thread

There is always the question: If you trap beaver are you the trapee or the trapper? Akin to : How does one dismount a tiger?
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