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Old 17-09-2014, 21:29   #3946
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
It was at the very end!
Yea, I guess so but he sure put up a good effort. Respect.
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Old 18-09-2014, 10:57   #3947
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Re: The Joke Thread

Either way he was stiff at the end...
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Old 19-09-2014, 03:58   #3948
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Re: The Joke Thread

he was supposed to send me that $30 mm next week ...

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Old 19-09-2014, 18:45   #3949
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Re: The Joke Thread

Probably been here before, but funny anyway....


****************************************

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house..
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay..'



********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

************************************************** ******

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Old 19-09-2014, 19:25   #3950
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Re: The Joke Thread

So a baby seal walked into a club...!
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Old 20-09-2014, 18:00   #3951
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Re: The Joke Thread

Double Positive

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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Old 20-09-2014, 18:08   #3952
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Re: The Joke Thread

Congratulations to weavis who has just recently been given the honor and title of moderator!

Here is the new desk plaque they gave him in honor of the event! (If that's over the top, feel free to delete it!)
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Old 21-09-2014, 00:52   #3953
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sheesh, all I got was a T shirt
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Old 22-09-2014, 07:27   #3954
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
like all of the stories about Rickover.
I don't know squat about subs, I wasn't even Navy.
But from what little I know, Rickover was a pretty amazing guy, of course a lot of it had to do with the time period, then you could get stuff done in a hurry, they felt the need was urgent. Still he pulled off a miracle or two, and they worked
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Old 22-09-2014, 10:06   #3955
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 22-09-2014, 14:23   #3956
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Re: The Joke Thread

and now for our Aussie friends...
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Old 22-09-2014, 14:27   #3957
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saa Bear View Post
So a baby seal walked into a club...!
Boo, Hiss.....LMAO!
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Old 22-09-2014, 16:58   #3958
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Re: The Joke Thread

A terrible skipper was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a good spot, I will donate to charity, give up the demon rum, treat women with respect, pay my taxes, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory!"

Miraculously, the boat with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave. The skipper looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one myself."
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Old 22-09-2014, 17:05   #3959
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Re: The Joke Thread

After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself. "There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell. First let me describe them for you.

On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."

"And what about hell?" the couple asked.
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Old 22-09-2014, 17:07   #3960
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the right size bulb isn't on board, the local marine-supply store doesn't carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.
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