The Joke Thread

[captain58sailin]

Weathermen have the only job where you can be wrong half the time and still not get fired.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by avb3

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several
years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the crocodile.'

Some old men can still think fast.

This reminds me of something a friend and I witnessed at the Over the Line tournament a few years ago. Over the Line is a beach version of baseball with only 2 bases, but you don't run them. It's a huge tournament drawing lots of crowds with the main activities being beer drinking, bikini watching and boob flashing.

We're walking along checking out 2 very talented young women and a couple of punks come from the other direction and yell, "Show us your tits!" The girls ignore them. "We'll give ya a beer!" The girls finally yelled, "Get lost! Punks!"

So we followed them another 10 yards and they ran into a couple of silver haired guys with deep tans. "Ladies, you two look exceptionally lovely today! I'm (so and so). May I introduce you to my buddy, (so and so)?" "We have exclusive rights to special stickers which are being given to the most beautiful women in attendance. May we interest you in some stickers?"

The girls get excited and say, "Sure!" Then the guy proceeds to tell her she needs to remover her bikini top, he needs to prepare the area for the sticker, and then he will apply them to her nipples. So the first girl takes off her bikini top and reveals a really large, firm pair of melons and this old guy, probably in his mid 60's, gently fondles her boobs and starts sucking on her nipples!! She's all smiles, and he's taking his time, at least a minute on one, then the other, then back again for another minute on each one! Then he peels off a sticker that she didn't see, it says, "USDA Choice Beef" and carefully applies it over each nipple!

My buddy and I are watching all of this in amazement, and the 2nd girl takes her top off and the old guy is going to town on her very nice pair! Then another girl walks over to see what's going on, then another, so now there are 2 more girls in line for the "Special Sticker"! Meanwhile, the guy's buddy is asking the girls if they want a beer. "Sure!"

So we stand there and watch the whole thing, which probably takes a good 15 minutes to do all 4 girls. While the old guy is busily sucking on the nipple of the 3rd girl, the 2 punks walk back by and they're astounded that these old wrinkled dudes have talked 4 girls into letting them suck on their nipples in front of a small crowd! The last girl finally walks away, satisfied with her new "stickers" for pasties!

The guy with the stickers turns to us all and says, "That's how the old and wise do it!" We about busted a gut laughing at the 2 failed punks' attempt to get the girls to flash!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

Weathermen have the only job where you can be wrong half the time and still not get fired.

I thought that applied to military doctors, too.

[a64pilot]

Doctors are never wrong, they just bury their mistakes

[Matt sachs]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Doctors are never wrong, they just bury their mistakes

I broke the back of a bull in a head gate once. I literally had to eat that mistake.
Matt DVM. (That was some expensive beef)

[a64pilot]

At least you could eat it
Next time kill a cow, a whole lot cheaper and better eating

[avb3]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

At least you could eat it
Next time kill a cow, a whole lot cheaper and better eating

Especially if it was a baloney bull. Tough, gamey, and good only for what they are described as.

[Matt sachs]

next time??

[Coops]

Great prank.

Funny mannequin prank. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[carstenb]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
> to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
>
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
> typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
>
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
> gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

> I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
> already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

>
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
> out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
> like I've never played before for this homeless man.
>
> And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept,
> I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes
> and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
>
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
> never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic
> tanks for twenty years."

[weavis]

[DoubleWhisky]

Originally Posted by D&D

This story is confirmed in Elmer Bendiner's book, The Fall of Fortresses.
*Sometimes, it's not really just luck.*

Elmer Bendiner was a navigator in a B-17 during WW II. He tells this story of a World War II bombing run over Kassel, Germany , and the unexpected result of a direct hit on their gas tanks. "Our B-17, the Tondelayo, was barraged by flak from Nazi antiaircraft guns. That was not unusual, but on this particular occasion our gas tanks were hit.

Later, as I reflected on the miracle of a 20 millimeter shell piercing the fuel tank without touching off an explosion, our pilot, Bohn Fawkes, told me it was not quite that simple. "On the morning following the raid, Bohn had gone down to ask our crew chief for that shell as a souvenir of unbelievable luck.

The crew chief told Bohn that not just one shell but 11 had been found in the gas tanks. 11 unexploded shells where only one was sufficient to blast us out of the sky. It was as if the sea had been parted for us. A near-miracle, I thought.

Even after 35 years, so awesome an event leaves me shaken, especially after I heard the rest of the story from Bohn.
"He was told that the shells had been sent to the armorers to be defused. The armorers told him that Intelligence had picked them up. They could not say why at the time, but Bohn eventually sought out the answer. "Apparently when the armorers opened each of those shells, they found no explosive charge. They were as clean as a whistle and just as harmless.

Empty? Not all of them! One contained a carefully rolled piece of paper. On it was a scrawl in Czech. The Intelligence people scoured our base for a man who could read Czech.Eventually they found one to decipher the note. It set us marveling.

Translated, the note read:

*"This is all we can do for you now...

Using Jewish slave labor is never a good idea."

This shell from 610 mm railway mortar hit the building in Warsaw, 18.08.1944, during Warsaw Uprising.



It was also holding the paper in the fuse, also with the note in Czech:
"This one will not blow!"

[capt-couillon]

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Cabbage

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Boiled cabbage

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1 boiled cabbage


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50bloodyboiledcabbages


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50BLOODYboiledcabbages


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50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiv eMeAccessNow!


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ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow



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[D&D]

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.


Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.


My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.


It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week...

iHurt!!!

[D&D]

SNARKY Humour from the Brits



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.





Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.




IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!




In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.




Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth




An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan . He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!




Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.




A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?




Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'




Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!