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Old 21-08-2014, 18:56   #3886
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
If there was one that actually worked, the price would be astronomical because the lines would be very long.

No Joke.

So belongs on another thread..........
Everyone would be longing to get one.
the competition in the industry would be stiff.
people would be hard up not to get one.

I wonder if it would be select a size. Their could be:
Impressive
Very impressive
make girls blush
holy crap is that real
Damn
oh hell no
keep that thing away from me
and lastly: Mr. Ed
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Old 21-08-2014, 21:24   #3887
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sharing in Marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --






"The teeth"

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:27   #3888
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Re: The Joke Thread

I hear that Satan has been complaining about all the junk mail he's been getting recently from dyslexic kids.

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:30   #3889
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Re: The Joke Thread

Broccoli Casserole
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A
few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.


Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she
shits on you!'

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:33   #3890
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Re: The Joke Thread

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame we can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have
your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F....
You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
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Old 21-08-2014, 21:37   #3891
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Re: The Joke Thread

INNER PEACE

I am passing this onto you because it definitely worked for me.

Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fink AR in ned ov inr pece

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:39   #3892
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Re: The Joke Thread

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:40   #3893
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Re: The Joke Thread

Can't eat Pork
Swine flu...

Can't eat chicken,
Bird flu.

Can't eat Beef, Mad cow

Can't eat eggs'Salmonella.

Can't eat fish, heavy metal poisons in their waters.

Can't eat fruits and veggies;E coli,insecticides and herbicides.
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!











I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!
Remember - - 'STRESSED'
spelled backwards!
is
'DESSERTS'

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:42   #3894
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Re: The Joke Thread

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on a certain appendage.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan bursts into tears and confesses that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confesses that she and Clive are both care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg

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Old 21-08-2014, 21:43   #3895
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Re: The Joke Thread

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3 kgs
The length of a penis is three times the length of a thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
Women blink twice as much as men
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand

The woman has read this entire text
The man is still looking at his thumb

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Old 25-08-2014, 11:37   #3896
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Re: The Joke Thread

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'
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Old 28-08-2014, 16:03   #3897
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 31-08-2014, 19:39   #3898
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 01-09-2014, 01:17   #3899
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Re: The Joke Thread

Why I Mow My Own Lawn - Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love it...




One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man,
was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,
“Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:54   #3900
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Re: The Joke Thread

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.
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