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Old 19-08-2014, 14:01   #3871
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Wifey B: You're not serious are you? Surely not. This woman likes being on top and her man likes her there....of course like the other way too. Do some people really only do it one way?
Little Johnny made it to college. In his first sex ed class this exchange occurred.

"First we will start with anatomy. The man has a penis and two testicles."
Johnny's hand flies up.
"My dad has two penises"
"That's not possible Johnny"
"Sure it is. He has a little one he pees with and a big one he brushes mommy's teeth with."

In the next lecture

"There are 234 sexual positions"
Johnny's hand flies up.
"No ma'am. There are 235."
"I don't think so, Johnny. The first position is the missionary position with the man on top and the woman on the bottom."
"236!" yells Johnny...
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Old 19-08-2014, 17:47   #3872
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 19-08-2014, 18:12   #3873
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Re: The Joke Thread

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amazing, didn't just shoot him.

dave
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Old 19-08-2014, 20:08   #3874
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Re: The Joke Thread

Missing Wife Found by Maine State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her, haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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Old 19-08-2014, 22:00   #3875
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Re: The Joke Thread

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he suffered from an overwhelming desire to put his
manhood in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel not to do it and that he would eventually find
peace of mind.

The very next day, Yossel decided not to heed the advice, but to
give in to his desire.

He came home from work very early that day.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had
happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his manhood in
the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it,
and was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find a normal,
intact one.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle
slicer?"

Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."

Coops.
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Old 20-08-2014, 04:49   #3876
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Re: The Joke Thread

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
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Old 20-08-2014, 22:38   #3877
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
Why are all cops in these videos super fat?

Yep donuts
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Old 21-08-2014, 02:24   #3878
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Re: The Joke Thread

This was sent to me by a guy in the UK. It's kind of cool.


I was at Aldi yesterday, this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like the back of a bus and all the charisma of a jellied eel. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"1.03 please"
"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a 20 note.
"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out 18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought f##k it, I'll pay by card.
"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.
I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, 18.97 please."

Coops.
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Old 21-08-2014, 10:40   #3879
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 21-08-2014, 11:43   #3880
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ha ha ha!

Reminds me of my GF I met in 2005. She was 50, but had the body of a 20 yr old, worked out every day, worked part time at a tanning salon, beautiful tan, no lines, best pair of bolt-ons her ex-husband could afford, she was living on alimony. She told me she wanted a Rottweiler, so I got her one. After about 6 mos. or so, she tells me the dog doesn't like her, that when I'm not around the dog growls at her. She was also insanely insecure. She would often be the most attractive woman at an event, and she would grouse about being snubbed, or everyone was looking at a younger woman, always something.

One night at a campfire, I was sitting in a double folding chair with a big divider in it, the rottie, Jazmin, was in the other seat, curled up. The GF came over and demanded I kick the dog out of the chair so she could sit in it. The dog wouldn't get up, and another chair was closer to me, so I told her to relax and take the closer chair. She refused, this was now a power struggle between the females. Well, Jazmin had sharper teeth and the GF soon packed her bags and was gone, which was a relief, I'm no good at getting rid of GFs.

So now I have this almost 10 yr old Rottie that sleeps in my bed, eats my food, watches TV while laying on my lap, insists on kissing me whenever she wants a treat and thinks the mailman, UPS, Fedex and DHL guys are all her best buddies who swing by a lot to play with her!
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Old 21-08-2014, 12:07   #3881
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Re: The Joke Thread

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
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Old 21-08-2014, 12:23   #3882
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Re: The Joke Thread

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1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Wifey B:

1. Guess I'm not grown up since I don't really care for wearing them.
2. YES and MORE YES.
3. Hot friend and the other parts don't matter.
4. Not something I'll ever face.
5. Champagne please. And this question. Why is it girls buy men nice underwear but men buy girls bigger boobs. Wonder how dudes would feel if a girl told them, I want you to have an enhancement. I'll pay for it for your birthday.

I do find it hilarious when some dude buys the girl boobs, they break up right after and some other dude gets all the benefit. Even seen some sue on Judge Mathis and such to get paid back for them. Well, no enhancements for me or my hubby.
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Old 21-08-2014, 15:32   #3883
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery....
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a
sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We
can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task
demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are
371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the
sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....
The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so
itwent on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....

.....silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the
knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that
strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ...........
















...... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



WE'RE STILL HUNTING FOR THE BASTARD WHO STARTED THIS!
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Old 21-08-2014, 16:25   #3884
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Wifey B:


Wonder how dudes would feel if a girl told them, I want you to have an enhancement. I'll pay for it for your birthday.
If there was one that actually worked, the price would be astronomical because the lines would be very long.

No Joke.

So belongs on another thread..........
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Old 21-08-2014, 16:42   #3885
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Re: The Joke Thread

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No Joke.

So belongs on another thread..........
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