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Old 16-08-2014, 11:00   #3856
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Re: The Joke Thread

Mathematical Proof that Women are Evil

first, we state that women require time and money:

Women = time * money

...and as we all know, "time is money":

Time = Money

...and therefore:

Women = Money * Money = (Money)^2

...and because "Money is the root of all evil":

Money = sqrt(evil)

...therefore:

Women = (sqrt[evil])^2

...and we are forced to conclude that:

Women = Evil

we therefor end up with women are evil. Especially when money is involved.
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Old 16-08-2014, 11:39   #3857
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Re: The Joke Thread

The crossword puzzle...

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope
was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've
always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him
for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is
fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps,
if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Shortly the Pope
turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter
word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't
tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite
a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the man said, "I think
you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Oh eff," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
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Old 16-08-2014, 14:58   #3858
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here are some supposedly -- We haven't checked them out, but they're carzy enough to be plausible! -- still-current US laws, one from each State...
It just might be time to take a few of these off the books.
ALABAMA: You canít wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
ALASKA: Itís against the law to wake bears for the purposes of taking a picture.
ARIZONA: Itís illegal to drive a car in reverse.
ARKANSAS: Youíre not allowed to pronounce Arkansas incorrectly.
CALIFORNIA: You will be fined if you detonate a nuclear device.
COLORADO: People must not dress unbecoming of their sex.
CONNECTICUT: Scrabble is not to be played while politicians are giving an oration.
DELAWARE: You may not marry on a dare.
FLORIDA: Women who kill themselves by electrocution in a bathtub with a ďself-beautification utensilĒ will be fined.
GEORGIA: You canít keep ice cream in your back pocket on Sundays.
HAWAII: Everyone is required to own a boat.
IDAHO: Motorists or pedestrians may not scowl or grimace.
ILLINOIS: Midget tossing is illegal in bars, but is legal in other parts of the city if you have a permit.
INDIANA: Everyone is required to work on a public road six days a year.
IOWA: One-armed piano players must perform for free.
KANSAS: If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
KENTUCKY: Itís required that you register all nude people in your home.
LOUISIANA: It is an assault for a person wearing false teeth to bite someone.
MAINE: You canít buy a car on Sunday unless it has plumbing.
MARYLAND: One cannot spit on the sidewalk.
MASSACHUSETTS: The sexual position ďwoman on topĒ is illegal.
MICHIGAN: Itís against the law to have sex in a car unless itís parked on your own property.
MINNESOTA: You must list your date of death on tax forms.
MISSISSIPPI: A man must not seduce a woman by promising her marriage.
MISSOURI: Single men between 18 and 50 must pay a $1 tax.
MONTANA: Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war partyÖ and you can shoot them.
NEBRASKA: Itís illegal to go whale fishing within the state.
NEVADA: A man canít buy drinks for more than three people at a time.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Itís illegal to show a movie before 2 pm.
NEW JERSEY: One cannot sell cabbage on Sundays.
NEW MEXICO: Idiots may not vote. Nor may insane people.
NEW YORK: You may not stick your thumb to your nose and wiggle your fingers at someone.
NORTH CAROLINA: Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours.
NORTH DAKOTA: Beer and pretzels cannot be served at the same time.
OHIO: One cannot kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church.
OKLAHOMA: Itís illegal to make funny faces at dogs.
OREGON: Canned corn is not to be used as fishing bait.
PENNSYLVANIA: Itís a crime to tell a fortune-teller where to dig for buried treasure.
RHODE ISLAND: Lunacy is grounds for divorce.
SOUTH CAROLINA: You have to be at least 18 to play a pinball machine.
SOUTH DAKOTA: You canít sleep in a cheese factory.
TENNESSEE: Crimes against nature are illegal.
TEXAS: Criminals must notify their victims 24 hours in advance of the nature of their crimes yet to be committed.
UTAH: Husbands are responsible for their wivesí criminal behavior in their presence.
VERMONT: Margarine must be served in triangle patties.
VIRGINIA: The chicken labor lobby has set the egg laying workday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.
WASHINGTON: All lollipops are banned.
WEST VIRGINIA: Roadkill may be taken home for dinner.
WISCONSIN: Itís illegal to serve margarine to prisoners.
WYOMING: Itís against the law to have sex while standing up in a walk-in meat freezer.
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Old 16-08-2014, 20:41   #3859
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's one for all the wives out there...


God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to
change?"

She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.
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Old 16-08-2014, 21:31   #3860
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Here's one for all the wives out there...


God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to
change?"

She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,
"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.
Blasphemy I tell ya!! Blasphemy
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Old 17-08-2014, 07:56   #3861
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Skye View Post
Blasphemy I tell ya!! Blasphemy
Yes... According to Gunter Grass that third breast had a much nobler purpose .

I think everyone should read "The Flounder"

https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-r...rass/flounder/
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Old 17-08-2014, 16:54   #3862
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Re: The Joke Thread

In Alaska, you only will wake a bear for a photo, 1 time anyway, we have never had any repeat offenders.
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Old 18-08-2014, 17:39   #3863
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Re: The Joke Thread

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy is created.
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Old 18-08-2014, 17:47   #3864
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Re: The Joke Thread

Contemporary Vocabulary

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic! fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
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Old 19-08-2014, 03:52   #3865
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Re: The Joke Thread

I didn't do too well with the genie joke so let's try a different religion.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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Old 19-08-2014, 06:08   #3866
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Re: The Joke Thread

Tiffany, A young jewish girl was invited to the prom. She goes and asks her father for $200. To buy a new dress.
His reply , "$100 ???what hell do you need $50. For???

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Old 19-08-2014, 06:45   #3867
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Re: The Joke Thread

MASSACHUSETTS: The sexual position ďwoman on topĒ is illegal

Shhh don't anyone tell the Mrs.

I'm kind of lazy
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Old 19-08-2014, 07:46   #3868
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
MASSACHUSETTS: The sexual position ďwoman on topĒ is illegal

Shhh don't anyone tell the Mrs.

I'm kind of lazy
Women of the world unite.
As long as you are split the way you are, the men will always be on top.
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Old 19-08-2014, 13:22   #3869
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Re: The Joke Thread

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving many people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
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Old 19-08-2014, 13:57   #3870
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Re: The Joke Thread

I found out that once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin.......muffins are healthy.

You are welcome.
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