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Old 15-08-2014, 16:22   #3841
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Re: The Joke Thread

'Circumcised'


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:24   #3842
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Re: The Joke Thread

From a female.



I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one
morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter saved inside it.'

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:26   #3843
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Re: The Joke Thread

When you have an


'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson..

Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair.
Open the package and
remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a flat surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken.




Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:




"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested
and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,
I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:26   #3844
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Re: The Joke Thread

I love ebay!

I've sold my homing pigeon 8 times so far..................

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:29   #3845
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Re: The Joke Thread

*Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.*

- *The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy*

*My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. **I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face*
*I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

*My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

*I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'*

*Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.*

*Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!*

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat [bar steward], I was talking to the cat!'

*Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.*

*I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'*

*Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here! Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:30   #3846
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Re: The Joke Thread

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP..
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"







BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:32   #3847
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Re: The Joke Thread

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs,



they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Sleepy leads the pack.

'Sleepy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Sleepy asks, ’Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,



'No, Sleepy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Sleepy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Sleepy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,



'No, Sleepy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ....

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Sleepy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Sleepy turns back and says,



'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,



'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,



tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Sleepy shagged a penguin!'
'Sleepy shagged a penguin!'

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:37   #3848
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Re: The Joke Thread

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he said he could stop any time.....


I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought these blokes must have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
That's outrageous, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said.........."No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?".......... "No, dyslexia."


I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with EBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:39   #3849
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Re: The Joke Thread

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ..

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Saturday.

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Old 15-08-2014, 16:45   #3850
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Re: The Joke Thread

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because you got an ''F'' in sex.'

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Old 15-08-2014, 19:50   #3851
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Re: The Joke Thread

The following is a true story, I was reminded of it by the "theoretically vs reality" joke.


Back in 2002, I knew a CFP named Joey who worked for MetLife. He was part Italian, very gregarious, and had made several million in profits in the stock market over the last 18 months or so.

He bought a small house in a modest neighborhood for about $600K. The high price was based on the fantastic view of the Pacific ocean they all shared from their back yards, on the edge of a canyon. He decided that he was going to donate the entire house to a charity for battered women (and get a big write off) and build a new Roman style villa, on a grand scale, that would essentially be open on the back and take full advantage of the view. The scale model of the proposed house was on display on a table, it showed the new house would go almost all the way to the edge of the left side property line, partially blocking the view of that neighbor.

Joey threw a big party and invited all of his neighbors and friends. Eventually the neighbor on the left looked at the model and realized he was going to lose a good portion of his view if the house was built as planned. He cornered Joey in front of almost everyone at the party and demanded to know if he was really going to build the new house. "Yes."
"Well, I'm not going to allow it. I'll call the zoning commission and get them to deny your building permits. I'm an attorney, I'll tie you up in litigation for years, you'll probably be dead before you get it built!"

Joey smiles at him, touches him gently on the elbow, and says,"I'm sure we can reach some kind of agreement, there's really no need for us to get antagonistic about this." The neighbor's wife starts smiling, a lot of us are breathing a sigh of relief, thinking it's going to get defused.

Joey says, "there's no need for you to lose out. How about I buy your house? $500K?" "Absolutely not! I will never sell my house to you!" "$600k?" "No!"
he goes through 700K, 800K, 900K, $1M and when he hits $1.1M, the guy's wife nudges him and he says, "Are you serious??" Joey says, "Absolutely! I can give you a 20% deposit on Monday and have the financing in place within 10-15 days!"

Everybody is a bit shocked they just witnessed a bidding style sale of a house, but the 2 guys made a deal and shook hands in front of maybe 40 people or so. I talked to Joey about 15 min later and asked him, "Are you really going to do that?"
"Yup! I'm going to move his house off the lot and donate it to the women's shelter, expand my new house slightly and reposition it so that it straddles both lots and faces the ocean a little better." "Wow!", I said. Then Joey says, "Now here's the important thing you should have learned from this transaction. Everybody thinks they're a man of principle, but when it comes down to it, they all have a price, especially attorneys!!"
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Old 15-08-2014, 19:55   #3852
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Re: The Joke Thread

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
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Old 15-08-2014, 19:59   #3853
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."
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Old 15-08-2014, 20:09   #3854
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
I'm at the risk of appearing chauvinistic, I'm sure mother would be proud Oh and blondes are still the coolest
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Old 15-08-2014, 20:48   #3855
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Re: The Joke Thread

Three Blondes are taking a nature walk.

"Oh, look. Bear tracks. We better get outta here"
"No silly. Those are moose tracks we're fine"
"That's silly. There are no moose around here. Those are deer tracks."

Then the train hit them.
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