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Old 13-08-2014, 21:48   #3826
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
Maybe a bit risque but, what is the difference between a circus and a sorority?
One is a cunning array of stunts.....
Well, if we are going to go down that line...

Q. How do you titillate an ocelot?

A. You oscillate its tit a lot.
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Old 14-08-2014, 05:07   #3827
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Re: The Joke Thread

Theoretically

Little Johnny was doing his homework and asked his dad, "What is the difference between "actually and hypothetically?"

"Well go ask your 17 year old sister and then your mom if they would have sex with Mr. Barnes next door for $100. Then come back."

Johnny came back and when dad asked what they said Johnny replied,"Sister said 'No way. He's old and wrinkly' and mom said, 'No dear. I love your father too much.'"

"Ok. Now go ask them if they would have sex with Mr. Barnes for $10,000. Then come back."

Johnny came back and when asked this time, "They both said they would, dad."

"So there you go, son. "Hypothetically" we can be $20,000 richer. Burt "actually" we live with a couple of sluts."
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Old 14-08-2014, 07:28   #3828
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Rhapsody-NS27 View Post
I would have been confused for a while too. I've never heard of condoms or sprinkles referred to as Jimmies. I think of Jimmy as in, to "jimmy a handle" to work it loose or break into a car.

It is funny to hear how the same word and same language can really throw people off due to different meaning.

I worked in Afghanistan and I was around a couple people from Australia and New Zealand and one of them talked about "smoking a fag"... turns out they were talking about cigarettes.
At least they didn't ask you if they could bum a fag..... Still can't believe any two cultures would change the meaning of two words that specifically by accident.

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Old 14-08-2014, 07:49   #3829
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Re: The Joke Thread

The difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks between fits....
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Old 14-08-2014, 08:33   #3830
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Re: The Joke Thread

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At least they didn't ask you if they could bum a fag..... Still can't believe any two cultures would change the meaning of two words that specifically by accident.
Now only imagine how difficult it is for those just learning a language and traveling. And not just English. There are phrases and words in Spanish that have totally different meanings in Mexico and Spain. And what you say in one might quite insult a person in the other. That's the nature of slang.
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Old 14-08-2014, 09:12   #3831
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The Joke Thread

What's the difference between a person with breathing difficulties who's been paid a compliment, and a suicide bomber?

Ones an asthmatic who's been flattered, and the other is a fanatic who's be splattered!



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Old 14-08-2014, 10:01   #3832
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q) What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?

A) You get a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.


Q) What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A) You get a 40' long cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
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Old 15-08-2014, 00:23   #3833
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Re: The Joke Thread

Q: What do you get when make a sandwich from donkey meat and peanut butter

A: A piece of ass that will stick to the roof of your mouth
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Old 15-08-2014, 01:25   #3834
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Re: The Joke Thread

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HEHEHEHEHE

Truly laughing out loud (LOL)
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Old 15-08-2014, 01:31   #3835
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Ex-Calif View Post
Theoretically

Little Johnny was doing his homework and asked his dad, "What is the difference between "actually and hypothetically?"

"Well go ask your 17 year old sister and then your mom if they would have sex with Mr. Barnes next door for $100. Then come back."

Johnny came back and when dad asked what they said Johnny replied,"Sister said 'No way. He's old and wrinkly' and mom said, 'No dear. I love your father too much.'"

"Ok. Now go ask them if they would have sex with Mr. Barnes for $10,000. Then come back."

Johnny came back and when asked this time, "They both said they would, dad."

"So there you go, son. "Hypothetically" we can be $20,000 richer. Burt "actually" we live with a couple of sluts."
Oh my, one of the best Johnny jokes I've heard, thanks
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Old 15-08-2014, 07:09   #3836
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Oh my, one of the best Johnny jokes I've heard, thanks
Wifey B: Same theme as the old bar story. Dude walks into hotel bar, sits down beside this gorgeous blonde. (Of course she's a blonde fools...hehe). Buys her a couple of drinks as he drinks. Then he turns and says, "Will you go to my room and have sex with me for $100?" She glares back and says, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" He calmly asks, "Would you for $10,000?" She says, "Well, yes." He then smiles and says, "Well, now we've established what kind of girl you are, just got the price to negotiate."

Sort of like the game of Scruples. Easy to say what you would or wouldn't do if not presented the chance. For instance, say you wouldn't steal. Well what if a million dollars and no chance of getting caught? That's the real test, not whether you'd steal a dollar left on the table.

Oh and I love the Charles Barkley story. He dropped a quarter in the urinal. The guy beside him stares wondering if he'll pick it up. Charles reaches in his wallet, pulls out a $20 and drops it in the same place. Then picks the $20 and the quarter up. The man beside him asks, "What the hell was that about?" Charles says, "I'm not about to reach in the urinal for a quarter but I sure will for $20."
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Old 15-08-2014, 10:48   #3837
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Oh my, one of the best Johnny jokes I've heard, thanks
The version I heard was "Go ask your mom and your sister if they'd do the neighbor for $500K ea." They answer yes. Then "Go ask them if they'd do Tom Cruise for free." They answer yes.

Then, "Theoretically, we're millionaires, but in reality, they're just a couple of sluts."
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Old 15-08-2014, 10:50   #3838
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Re: The Joke Thread

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?


99% of the time, you get an onion with big floppy ears. But 1% of the time, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
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Old 15-08-2014, 14:22   #3839
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Wifey B:
Sort of like the game of Scruples. Easy to say what you would or wouldn't do if not presented the chance. For instance, say you wouldn't steal. Well what if a million dollars and no chance of getting caught? That's the real test, not whether you'd steal a dollar left on the table.
I think this is where a lot of people get lost.

Conviction is all about how you feel about YOURSELF rather than the subject at hand.

It is the importance of being selfish.... to follow the code that makes you feel good about yourself.... (Basically you can't be bought)

Those who do not adhere to their own personal convictions... (Large or small) will always be lacking in that strength.
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Old 15-08-2014, 16:01   #3840
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Re: The Joke Thread

I know that this is old hat now, but it still works.


FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,

Down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

"I am a dominater"!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

And stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

'bout what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair

Turned fifty shades of grey.
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