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Old 11-08-2014, 23:19   #3811
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by D&D View Post
PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT TO STATE DEPARTMENT



Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? ? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 35+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damned passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do every ten years. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die. ? Between you and me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bull! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! ? Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile. Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally ticked off! ? Signed- An Irate Citizen.


I think that's one way to end up on the "no fly" list!
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Old 11-08-2014, 23:28   #3812
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by crazyoldboatguy View Post
There once was a woman from Beale
Whose crotch was made from blue steel
She got her kicks from a pneumatic drill
And an off center emery wheel
Try "She got A THRILL from a pneumatic drill"
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Old 11-08-2014, 23:44   #3813
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Try "She got A THRILL from a pneumatic drill"
twas the only way to ream her?

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Old 12-08-2014, 00:43   #3814
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Re: The Joke Thread

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twas the only way to ream her?

Wifey B: As an English Major and former teacher I find the language interesting.

The word sewer used to describe one who sews.

It is certainly not appropriate to appropriate someone else's property.

Or to intimate you were intimate with someone.

He moped around until he got a moped.

How about a list of perfectly clean words that sound dirty: Dongle. Manhole. Penal colony. Uvula (Yes the thing in the back of your throat but then that sounds dirty too.) Angina. Uranus. Coccyx. Shuttlecock. Masticating. Slit. Beaver. Pearl Necklace. Main Line.

And be careful all Americans before you use the word "Fanny" in the UK.
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Old 12-08-2014, 03:28   #3815
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Re: The Joke Thread

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And be careful all Americans before you use the word "Fanny" in the UK.
Yeah, I was sure surprised our first season in NZ when, at a mixed company (Kiwis and Yanks) Thanksgiving party, I volunteered to "stuff the turkey", and the Kiwis fell about laughing at me. Crikeys, we're divided by a common language!

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Old 12-08-2014, 05:26   #3816
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Re: The Joke Thread

A friend of mine was transferred to Sydney Australia for a job. He was on his first day, settling into his office. His secretary was a Kiwi, actually a beautiful one. She had set him up with all the supplies he needed, his desk set up, his drawers fully equipped. So, he's a bit stunned when she walks to his desk and asks if he has everything he needs and follows that with "Did you find your rubbers." He just stares back blankly as the American slang is "Condoms." He asks, "my what?" She repeated, "Your rubbers" but this time makes a side to side motion with her hand like erasing something and it was at that time he realized she meant "erasers." It was months later before he told her what the slang meant in American. lol. She laughed and in typical down under humor said, "I'm afraid the company doesn't supply those, you have to supply them yourself."
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:06   #3817
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Show a little boob, flip your hair, flash your blue eyes, talk valley girl. I let them be as condescending as they wanted, calling me honey and sweetheart and such.
Dear Diary,

Friday -

- skipped the regular night at the strip club
- played poker with the boys
- drank beer, got drunk
- chatted up a blonde chick
- saw her boobs
- let her win $100 bucks
- saved $100 bucks
- hope she comes back next week
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:24   #3818
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Re: The Joke Thread

Well, you know what Ron White says. He says if you've seen one boob, you want to see the rest of them.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:43   #3819
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Re: The Joke Thread

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And be careful all Americans before you use the word "Fanny" in the UK.
Along the same lines.....

In most places you put sprinkles on your ice cream. In New England you put Jimmies (sprinkles) on your ice cream. In New York Jimmies are condoms.

Now imagine the scene years ago of my wife getting ice cream in New York and asking for a large ice cream with extra jimmies on it. The girl behind the counter was thoroughly confused, while my wife couldn't figure out why people in line were laughing as she kept adamantly asking for jimmies at an ice cream store
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Old 12-08-2014, 10:19   #3820
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Re: The Joke Thread

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.




When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".
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Old 13-08-2014, 08:59   #3821
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Re: The Joke Thread

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the hell I am now.
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Old 13-08-2014, 16:34   #3822
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Re: The Joke Thread

HEHEHEHEHE
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Old 13-08-2014, 17:17   #3823
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
Along the same lines.....

In most places you put sprinkles on your ice cream. In New England you put Jimmies (sprinkles) on your ice cream. In New York Jimmies are condoms.

Now imagine the scene years ago of my wife getting ice cream in New York and asking for a large ice cream with extra jimmies on it. The girl behind the counter was thoroughly confused, while my wife couldn't figure out why people in line were laughing as she kept adamantly asking for jimmies at an ice cream store
I would have been confused for a while too. I've never heard of condoms or sprinkles referred to as Jimmies. I think of Jimmy as in, to "jimmy a handle" to work it loose or break into a car.

It is funny to hear how the same word and same language can really throw people off due to different meaning.

I worked in Afghanistan and I was around a couple people from Australia and New Zealand and one of them talked about "smoking a fag"... turns out they were talking about cigarettes.
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Old 13-08-2014, 20:02   #3824
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Re: The Joke Thread

She got her kicks from a pneumatic drill - she got her thrills from a pneumatic drill.

Hey, there always has to be a critic. You tell your joke your way and I'll tell it my way.

There once was a man from Stanbul
Who soliloquized thus to his tool
You've been with me thru thick
You've been with me thru thin
And now you won't pee you old fool
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Old 13-08-2014, 21:38   #3825
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Maybe a bit risque but, what is the difference between a circus and a sorority?
One is a cunning array of stunts.....
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