Cruisers Forum
 


Join CruisersForum Today

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 11 votes, 4.45 average. Display Modes
Old 02-08-2014, 11:07   #3766
Senior Cruiser
 
Therapy's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: W Florida
Boat: The Jon boat still, plus a 2007 SeaCat.
Posts: 6,894
Images: 4
Re: The Joke Thread

BURIAL PLANS
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

(HERE IT COMES!!!)





The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
__________________

__________________
Who knows what is next.
Therapy is offline  
Old 02-08-2014, 16:59   #3767
D&D
Marine Service Provider
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now working Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,459
Re: The Joke Thread

Pension SEX!


Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having
Pension sex.'
'
Pension sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX!

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'



'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'


QUIET SEX!

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'




SEX & ARGUMENTS!



A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary the husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'




'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'





WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX!
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right... When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.


He couldn't get back in.





ELDERLY SEX!

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly,


'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.'
__________________

__________________
D&D is online now  
Old 02-08-2014, 17:28   #3768
Registered User
 
sy_gilana's Avatar

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: On board
Boat: Van de Stadt 50'
Posts: 1,101
Send a message via Skype™ to sy_gilana
Re: The Joke Thread

Silly cruiser had problems with his outboard. Difficult to start, wont idle.
He took it to a renowned reclusive cruiser who is an outboard whisperer.
Came back in an hour and it was running perfectly.
'What was it?' he asked,
'**** in the fuel' replies the mechanic
'How often must I do that?'
__________________
Tight sheets to ya.
http://gilana.org
sy_gilana is offline  
Old 02-08-2014, 20:24   #3769
Registered User

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: South Haven, MI
Boat: 2006 Hanse 370e
Posts: 362
Re: The Joke Thread

ANOTHER BLOND JOKE

A blond and a brunette were walking past a florist shop when the brunette spotted her boyfriend purchasing flowers. "Damn" she exclaimed. "Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air." "Why" asked the blond. "Don't you have a vase?"
__________________
silversailor is offline  
Old 02-08-2014, 22:34   #3770
Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Paradise
Boat: Various
Posts: 2,360
Re: The Joke Thread

Wifey B: Ok......I'm ready and armed...

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? -
So brunettes can remember them.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? –
Fisher-Price

WHAT’S A BRUNETTE’S MATING CALL? –
“Has the blonde left yet? ”

AND A STORY

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow Passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

WHAT’S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
- A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

ANOTHER STORY

This man was picking on this blonde in the bar and she finally said, "Hey, how do you have sex with a blonde? "The man said "Well, i dont know." So she remarked with "And you thought blondes were stupid!"

WHY ARE BLONDE JOKES SO STUPID?

So guys and brunettes can understand them.

ANOTHER

A man asked God one time "Why did you make blondes so beautiful?" God answered, "So you would like them" Then he asks, "Why did you make them dumb?" God answered, "So they would like you!"

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? –
Invisible.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? –
A hostage

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH JUST THIS......for all you dudes....

If Blondes are so dumb then why is it we can get you guys to do anything we want?
__________________
BandB is online now  
Old 02-08-2014, 23:06   #3771
Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 121
Re: The Joke Thread

What do you call a brunnette dye job on a blonde?

Artificial intelligence

What does a blond put behind her ears to attract men?

Her legs

Matt
__________________
mlydon is offline  
Old 03-08-2014, 05:32   #3772
Registered User
 
Dulcesuenos's Avatar

Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Florida Keys, Bahamas Bound
Boat: 38' French Cat
Posts: 2,828
Images: 4
Re: The Joke Thread

Why do Blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More "head "room

What do you call a blonde doing a head stand?
a brunette with bad breath

And worst of all

What do call a blonde with a runny nose?

Full

Sent from my LG-LS980 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app
__________________
Dulcesuenos is online now  
Old 03-08-2014, 09:43   #3773
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Switzerland
Boat: So many boats to choose from. Would prefer something that is not an AWB, and that is beachable...
Posts: 1,242
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by silversailor View Post
ANOTHER BLOND JOKE
And another one...

Why do blondes have such deep belly buttons?

Because their boyfriends are blonde too...
__________________
K_V_B is offline  
Old 03-08-2014, 10:23   #3774
Moderator
 
HappyMdRSailor's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2008
Location: North Mississippi
Boat: 48 Wauquiez Pilot Saloon-C22 Chrysler Sunpiper- 19 Potter-Preparing to cruise w/my girl
Posts: 5,980
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Wifey B: Ok......I'm ready and armed...
Bravo Wifey B!
__________________
In the harsh marine environment, something is always in need of repair...

Mai Tai's fix everything...
HappyMdRSailor is offline  
Old 03-08-2014, 19:59   #3775
CF Adviser
 
Pelagic's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Oct 2007
Boat: Van Helleman Schooner 65ft StarGazer
Posts: 6,895
Re: The Joke Thread

Is it only me that is blushing at a few of these?
__________________
Pelagic is offline  
Old 03-08-2014, 20:59   #3776
Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Paradise
Boat: Various
Posts: 2,360
Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
Is it only me that is blushing at a few of these?
Wifey B: Want it officially noted that, for once in my life, I kept it clean. Blonde behaved.....
__________________
BandB is online now  
Old 03-08-2014, 21:47   #3777
Registered User

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3,157
Re: The Joke Thread

This an excellent lecture on women. It explains who to marry and why, it should be taught in school.

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/video...D55cvd0CUqmVg2
__________________
socaldmax is offline  
Old 03-08-2014, 22:06   #3778
CF Adviser
 
Pelagic's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Oct 2007
Boat: Van Helleman Schooner 65ft StarGazer
Posts: 6,895
Re: The Joke Thread

LOL... I can understand why he is wearing a sidearm
__________________
Pelagic is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 00:20   #3779
Moderator
 
carstenb's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2012
Location: Copenhagen
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 4,941
Images: 1
Re: The Joke Thread

He should be carrying an uzi - a sidearm is not enough firepower.
__________________
I spent most of my money on Booze, Broads and Boats. The rest I wasted - Elmore Leonard
carstenb is offline  
Old 04-08-2014, 05:25   #3780
Moderator
 
carstenb's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2012
Location: Copenhagen
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 4,941
Images: 1
Re: The Joke Thread

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!
__________________

__________________
I spent most of my money on Booze, Broads and Boats. The rest I wasted - Elmore Leonard
carstenb is offline  
Closed Thread

Tags
Jokes, paracelle

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 17:47.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.