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Old 23-07-2014, 16:34   #3751
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Re: The Joke Thread

Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:35   #3752
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Re: The Joke Thread

In plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:40   #3753
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Re: The Joke Thread

Mother-in-law’s choice
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He
tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a
bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other
women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young
ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful
evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which
one is the woman I want to marry?’
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’
The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’
‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:46   #3754
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 23-07-2014, 17:37   #3755
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Re: The Joke Thread

Not the size of the dog in the fight?



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Old 23-07-2014, 18:56   #3756
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Re: The Joke Thread

A sailor was caught as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor to, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. Annoyed, the sailor tossed the bird off the handle. It flew away, only to return and land once again on the broom handle.

The sailor went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the bird flew back.

In the morning the chief petty officer came to check the sailor and his work. "What in the heck have you been doing all night?” he said. “This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you got to say for yourself?"

"Well, Sir," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
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Old 23-07-2014, 19:59   #3757
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Re: The Joke Thread

In America we have "Little Johnny."

12 year old Little Johnny asked his mom, "Mom, what's sex?"

Mom thought for a moment anxiously but knew this day was coming.

"Well Johnny. When a man and a woman love each other sometimes they will take off their clothes and the man will put his p*nis in the woman's v**na" move it about and it gives them both pleasure. If they are married they can also do this to make a baby grow inside the woman's womb."

Mum was watching Johnny's face and she could see a mix of confusion and, yes maybe a bit of shock. So she decided to elaborate.

"Well, that's not all they can do. Sometimes they will pleasure each other orally." And she proceeded to describe in detail the acts of oral sex.

Johnny appeared to be a bit uncormfortable but she decided, In for a penny in for a pound as she didn't want to have to do this conversation again.

"Some people decide to enhance sex to give them pleasure." She then went on to describe, bondage, pornography and other acts.

"So there it is Johnny do you have any questions?"

"Well yes. What do I tick?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well I am signing up for the sports team and I have to tick "M "or "F" on this form."
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Old 30-07-2014, 02:50   #3758
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Re: The Joke Thread

GO Rick GOOOOOO!

http://gcaptain.com/watch-wife-freak...erg-collapses/
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Old 30-07-2014, 23:38   #3759
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Re: The Joke Thread

I think that I have posted this before, it's worth a second go anyway.


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )





' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'



WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'





(. . .. Wait for it ....)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

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Old 30-07-2014, 23:40   #3760
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Re: The Joke Thread

aptising an Irishman

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally
Drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptising
people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and bumps into
the preacher...
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven"t found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him
Into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus me brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, oi I haven"t found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end
And dunks the drunk inthe water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he
pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love
of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and

says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?

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Old 30-07-2014, 23:42   #3761
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Re: The Joke Thread

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this
year only two banks will be left operational ..... the Blood Bank and
the Sperm Bank!

Before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will
be full of bloody wankers.

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Old 30-07-2014, 23:50   #3762
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Re: The Joke Thread

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

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Old 30-07-2014, 23:57   #3763
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Re: The Joke Thread

The way a blondes mind works



Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the
Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They
started crying and turned around and went home.



FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida ?????'



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, 'You ARE on the other side.'



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at night!'



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

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Old 30-07-2014, 23:59   #3764
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Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 7:37 am Post subject: Reply with quote
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

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Old 31-07-2014, 16:23   #3765
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Re: The Joke Thread

Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen. Is it yours?"

Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"

Paddy asks "How do you know?"

Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"
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