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Old 17-07-2014, 23:34   #3736
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Re: The Joke Thread

Making Retirement and Sailing Work Out Financially

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Old 18-07-2014, 14:22   #3737
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Re: The Joke Thread

Farmer Jones went to the barn yard one morning and saw, to his horror, that his rooster had died. The carcass lay in the middle of the yard, flies buzzing around - yep, definitely dead. So, FJ went down to the store, "Cocks R Us" to pick up another one. The proprietor showed FJ his prize bantam rooster, "Brewster" and informed FJ it was the best cock in the shop.

FJ bought Brewster and brought him home to the chicken coop, Right away, Brewster flew into the coop and, amidst all the clucking & scattered feathers, all the hens were serviced, a few 2-3 times. Brewster flew out the coop and went into the pig sty. Flying mud, squeals, grunts and oinks indicated the industrious nature of the stud Brewster.

After doin' the sows (and a few boars, nothing wrong with that, right?) Brewster flew over to the feed lot to have his way with the cows. FJ stopped Brewster and pleaded with him to slow down a bit. "Brewster, you're gonna kill yourself with this". To which Brewster dismissed with a smile (yes, chickens can smile). The farmer gave up and went inside to lament his soon to be dead second cock. Thru the night he heard to lowing moos in the feed lot and even some caterwauling as Brewster ran after the pussycats. FJ finally fell into a fitful sleep.

The next morning, Farmer Jones woke up to a beautiful morning. The sun was shining and the warm breeze came thru the windows. But, FJ was instantly swept into panic when he realized there were no barnyard animals squealing or clucking to the tempo of Brewsters tender ministrations. FJ went to the window and saw, to his horror, Brewster lying on his back, in the barnyard, much like the late, great, cock who came before him. Above him, in the morning sky, were buzzards, circling and circling. It was obvious the end was near.

FJ ran out to Brewster and began moaning over him. "Oh, why did you have to do this?", FJ wailed. "Why couldn't you have paced yourself"? FJ sobbed.

"Shhhhhh", Brewster said, while pointing to the sky. "I think they're gonna land".
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Old 18-07-2014, 19:51   #3738
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Re: The Joke Thread

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

T1 Terry
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Old 20-07-2014, 20:53   #3739
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Re: The Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace....

Science fact! There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house. This is due to the antelope's powerful hind-legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.






Just bumping the thread....
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Old 20-07-2014, 21:04   #3740
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Re: The Joke Thread

#MeanwhileOnTheJob...


But Boss! Rule 147, paragraph D, subsection 14, CLEARLY states that all cargo will be secured with the use of adjustable cargo straps or other mechanical devices.

Just doin' me job, ya' know?
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Old 21-07-2014, 21:25   #3741
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Re: The Joke Thread

How to go from indignant smartarse to goose.

Deodorant product review goes wrong. [VIDEO]

Coops.
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Old 22-07-2014, 01:04   #3742
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Re: The Joke Thread

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin¹s hooker."
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Old 22-07-2014, 08:22   #3743
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Re: The Joke Thread

Me too!
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Old 22-07-2014, 09:10   #3744
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Re: The Joke Thread

Vote for me! If elected I will introduce a bill that requires her to tell us WHAT THE HELL SHES MAD ABOUT! (Guys, you know what I mean)
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Old 22-07-2014, 18:00   #3745
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt sachs View Post
Vote for me! If elected I will introduce a bill that requires her to tell us WHAT THE HELL SHES MAD ABOUT! (Guys, you know what I mean)
Doomed to failure - You lost the woman's vote and all the guy's who vote the way their wife tells them to, "or else."
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Old 23-07-2014, 05:47   #3746
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Re: The Joke Thread

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:29   #3747
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Re: The Joke Thread

Daddy’s Call
“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:30   #3748
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Re: The Joke Thread

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:30   #3749
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Re: The Joke Thread

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”
His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”
“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”
“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”
The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
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Old 23-07-2014, 16:32   #3750
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Re: The Joke Thread

And then the fight started …
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What’s on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" so I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He asked, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started…
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started….
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started…..
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started…..
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that’s when the fight started….
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight started….
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