The Joke Thread

[Adventurebound]

That's convinced me to slow down.

[Coops]

A guy walks into a bar- Magic Apples - YouTube

Coops.

[D&D]

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refundall theexpenses of fansthat travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs them to email him their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[Coops]

Washing a motorcycle the sexy way, and the stupid one as well.

Girl Tries To Be Sexy Washing a Motorcycle and Fails 2013 - YouTube

Coops.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Coops

Washing a motorcycle the sexy way, and the stupid one as well.



Coops.

Dang that looked nasty - I hope the motorcycle wasn't damaged...

[IslandHopper]

I've always liked this motorbike clip, after all it does have a boating theme.....

Motorcycle falls on boat crash accident fail - YouTube

[Coops]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
_________________

Coops.

[Coops]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The f**ckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Coops.

[Coops]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".

"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

Coops.

[Coops]

The following is a customer complaint to the Irish Railway Company .... .

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan. Take Care.

Coops.

[Coops]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower

Wash your face..

Wash your armpits

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Coops.

[Coops]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay?
Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on my best English accent.
Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.
I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners"......

Coops.

[Coops]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...





Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.





Older Woman: Oh, I see.





Officer: Can I see your license please?





Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.





Officer: Don't have one?





Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.





Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.





Older Woman: I can't do that.





Officer: Why not?





Older Woman: I stole this car.





Officer: Stole it?





Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.





Officer: You what?





Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see





The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.





Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.



Older woman: Is there a problem sir?



Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.



Older Woman: Murdered the owner?



Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.



The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.



Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?



Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers

The officer is quite stunned.



Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.



The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.



The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.



Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.



Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't mess with mature women.


Coops.

[Coops]

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Coops.

[Ex-Calif]

From the, "What were they thinking?" files...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nMRHklS3Fw