The Joke Thread

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInRussia...


30 Completely Absurd Russian Dating Site Photos

For both Men ---- And the Ladies ...
{Or, well, you know... However you might personally happen to swing }

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Jimbo485

I thought he was congratulating your wife, Coops, on her witty comeback.
Nothing about a sex change

No sex change for the rough, tough Coops. Just congratulating The Ms.
I got paid back though-I have been given a sex change too. It is "she was congratulating your wife on her witty comeback". I'm a she 👸. Looks like I need a new avatar! LOL!

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by svmariane

For both Men ---- And the Ladies ...
{Or, well, you know... However you might personally happen to swing }

I don't think I swing either of these directions! 😜

[Coops]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

No sex change for the rough, tough Coops. Just congratulating The Ms.
I got paid back though-I have been given a sex change too. It is "she was congratulating your wife on her witty comeback". I'm a she 👸. Looks like I need a new avatar! LOL!

Serves you bloody well right then. At least my avatar doesn't need changing, I am a lazy pig.

Coops.

[D&D]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

Thanks Coops you always make my morning.

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInCyberspace...

[Pelagic]

My new Hero.

http://damn.com/p/the-judges-never-s...=talentboomacv

[IslandHopper]

[captain58sailin]

They closed the link. Wonder why?

[D&D]

From the not-at-all-sure-if-this-is-politically-correct bin...

[Pelagic]

Financial Planning explained by an Irishman.

​

Paddy bought a* *donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some* *bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2* *back.’
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.

[Coops]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Coops.

[Coops]

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10..
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Coops.

[Coops]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen " Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some [bar steward]'s sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says ‘yes, by my first husband.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

Coops.

[Coops]

Todays lesson,the school kids had to name a word ending in TOR that eats things.
Mary puts her hand up,"Raptor"."Very good Mary"
David puts his hand up,"Alligator"."Very good David"
Little Johnnie sticks his hand up,"Vibrator"."NO JOHNNY,VIBRATORS DONT EAT ANYTHING". "Sorry miss,you are WRONG!!!!,My sister says her vibrator chews thru the batteries"

Coops.