The Joke Thread

[Liunatic]

# MeanwhileInNorthKorea...

Agreed she is a stylish lady, as no fashionista would ever consider doing border patrol in flats!

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Liunatic

# MeanwhileInNorthKorea...

Agreed she is a stylish lady, as no fashionista would ever consider doing border patrol in flats!

Wifey B: Well, we stylish ladies must have our heels. Bet she likes stilettos when off duty.

[frank_f]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: Well, we stylish ladies must have our heels. Bet she likes stilettos when off duty.

One can only hope. ;-)

[Pelagic]

Texting

Text from daughter to mom:"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."


Daughter back to mom:"Oh my God, mom.......... Sorry, I meant to spell gum."

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Texting

Text from daughter to mom:"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."


Daughter back to mom:"Oh my God, mom.......... Sorry, I meant to spell gum."

Good one.

Texting - An entirely new way for humans to miscommunicate...

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Good one.

Texting - An entirely new way for humans to miscommunicate...

Wifey B: Oh and auto correct.....never in my life have I texted anything about ducking.....

[Pelagic]

June we spent 2 weeks in Thailand, taking advantage of their political Coup discounts…. (This could be the origin of coupons)...

Anyway we enjoyed the various dishes as always, but shied away from this one….

[sailorboy1]

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[D&D]

Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland ,
Arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
Twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
When I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down,
Rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down

And squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers,
Picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men... Are men

[D&D]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Pelagic]

Mark J and Coops will enjoy this.....

Watch thru to the bloopers.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xfzxesxk_Yo

[Coops]

This is a real commercial for the company, very funny.

Dickens Cider Funny Commercial - YouTube

Coops.

[Pelagic]

Brilliant! Only in Australia

[avb3]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

One day when he had a bad cold, Granny took the little girl to school.

That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different than with granddad !!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Well Granny and I didn't see a single ****wit, blind bastard, dickhead, foreign prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Coops

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a farmyard of donkeys and pigs the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."



Coops.

Good one, Ms. Coops! 😊