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Old 28-06-2014, 17:13   #3631
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Re: The Joke Thread

Wifey B:

Lease required 60 days notice to terminate but had this extra clause.

In the event of death, tenant must give 30 days advance notice.
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Old 28-06-2014, 17:15   #3632
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Re: The Joke Thread

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life...

We talked about the idea of living or dying and I said: "Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If I am ever in that state I want you to disconnect all the equipment and fluids keeping me alive, I'd much rather die."

My wife looked at me for a moment all starry eyed.

Then she jumped up... disconnected my TV, my Cable, my DVD, my PC, my Cell Phone, my iPad, my Playstation, my Xbox... and then went to the shelves and gathered up all my whisky, gin, vodka and my all my beer from the fridge.

I had to rugby tackle her before she got to the sink...

Coops.
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Old 28-06-2014, 17:15   #3633
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

Coops.
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Old 28-06-2014, 17:16   #3634
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Re: The Joke Thread

My Vibrator


Which brings Me Heaven

Rabbit Be Thy Name

You Make Me Come

You Bring Such Fun

On Earth Or is it Heaven?

Give me this day my Daily Thrill

And Forgive me my Screams as I Forgive Those who Sold Me Duff Batteries

Lead me Straight into Temptation

Deliver me from Frustration

For Thine Is the Vibration

The Power and Rotation

For EVER and EVER

NO MEN.

Coops.
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Old 28-06-2014, 17:24   #3635
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
My Vibrator


Which brings Me Heaven

Rabbit Be Thy Name

You Make Me Come

You Bring Such Fun

On Earth Or is it Heaven?

Give me this day my Daily Thrill

And Forgive me my Screams as I Forgive Those who Sold Me Duff Batteries

Lead me Straight into Temptation

Deliver me from Frustration

For Thine Is the Vibration

The Power and Rotation

For EVER and EVER

NO MEN.

Coops.
Wifey B: hehe.....love it.
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Old 28-06-2014, 17:38   #3636
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

Coops.
This one is true. In teh early days of computers and windows had just come out. One of my guys calls me from Manila...

"Something's wrong with the computer"
"What's wrong"
"I can't send email"
"What is the program doing"
"I don't know I can't use the program"
"Does mail program open?"
"No"
"Can you see the mail icon"
"No"
"It should be on the desktop. can you see it?
"No. There is nothing on my desk but pens, pencils, stapler, my tape dispenser and this stupid computer."
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Old 28-06-2014, 18:31   #3637
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
The Pastor's Ass
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race..
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey..
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted!
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the papers read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

Coops.


That is the best joke I ever heard!! Almost as funny as the church's relationship with peodophillia which is actually not so funny.
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Old 28-06-2014, 21:05   #3638
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by BandB View Post
Wifey B: hehe.....love it.
For some strange reason I guessed that you would.

Coops.
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Old 28-06-2014, 21:14   #3639
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
For some strange reason I guessed that you would.

Coops.
Wifey B:

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks" "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white" So she takes the black one and leaves. A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks" She asks "And how much for your black dildos?" "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man. So she takes the white one leaves. About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks" Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250" The blonde agrees and takes it. Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"
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Old 28-06-2014, 22:06   #3640
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Re: The Joke Thread

Has anyone here ever watched the Carbonaro Effect? We had not until just tonight and it was hilarious. Magician playing tricks on unsuspecting store customers, etc. Better than any stage magic. Great illusions.
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Old 29-06-2014, 17:49   #3641
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by avb3;1573573

[SIZE="3"
Mesmerizing, isn't it?[/SIZE]
yes, not the hula hoop I remember
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Old 29-06-2014, 18:00   #3642
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
Man if thats how you remember hula hoops then I wish I had your child hood!!!

That's Judy I remember her


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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Old 29-06-2014, 18:34   #3643
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Wifey B:

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"

Just as well he didn't have base ball bats in stock.
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Old 29-06-2014, 19:12   #3644
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Re: The Joke Thread

# MeanwhileInNorthKorea...

For those who took offense {and you know who you are}
at my postings of those Russian Cops and Ukrainian Cadets...

These are North Korean Border Guards, on patrol along the Yalu river.
Have a close look at the lady on the right; notice how her cap sits
a'top her head, how her slacks are a tad shorter than those of her compatriots,
her camera awareness and photogenic "runway" lanky frame.
Stylish lady, methinks. Agreed?



And in theoretical keeping with a nautical theme, there's a river patrol boat
juuuuusssssst to the left of this cropped photo. Honest. Trust me.
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Old 29-06-2014, 20:06   #3645
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
On that basis Americans should suffer fewer heart attacks than the English then.

Coops.
Always crack me up. Humor has no borders
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