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Old 09-06-2014, 06:37   #3586
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
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Old 09-06-2014, 08:57   #3587
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Re: The Joke Thread

I let people know I'm getting a Bigger Boat, and they give me financial advice.
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Old 09-06-2014, 09:03   #3588
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Re: The Joke Thread

What always gets me is those with the get rich schemes they're selling you. If it works so well, then why are they working so hard to sell it? Seems like they'd be retired and boating.

Something about a financial advisor who shows signs of being broke.
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Old 09-06-2014, 12:35   #3589
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 10-06-2014, 18:11   #3590
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Re: The Joke Thread

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ....... and ate .... and then ... she ate some more!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty so washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air...

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

Dead fly...


The moral of this sad story?


Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of **** !!!

T1 Terry
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Old 10-06-2014, 19:15   #3591
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Re: The Joke Thread

An electrician friend gave me a story when he had to do some work in a monistary [place with lots of nuns] He asked one of the nuns where the manhole is. She said she did not know, 'there are no men here'.
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Old 12-06-2014, 07:04   #3592
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorboy1 View Post
A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

<snip>
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '
<snip>
That's 90% me right thar... except - barefoot (I live in Singapore) - get to Home Depot (homey hardware). Wander the aisles for 2 hours. Collect all the crap I need for a different project as well as the current one.

Go home too late to finish project one or start project two. Get on the computer and "waste" the next 2 hours reading jokes on CF...
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Old 12-06-2014, 19:12   #3593
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Re: The Joke Thread

I can't think of anything more revolting that running around with a hat that says 'I Have Worms". Be careful of any chick who is hot on you with that line!
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Old 12-06-2014, 19:29   #3594
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"I have parasites. " is more revolting to me.
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Old 13-06-2014, 12:27   #3595
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Re: The Joke Thread

"I work for the IRS" would seem to get a pretty negative reaction.
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Old 13-06-2014, 12:28   #3596
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adventurebound View Post
An electrician friend gave me a story when he had to do some work in a monistary [place with lots of nuns] He asked one of the nuns where the manhole is. She said she did not know, 'there are no men here'.
The joke might work better if you said, "Convent."
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Old 13-06-2014, 16:04   #3597
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Re: The Joke Thread

...and now, for a bit of a change, how about a joke...

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the ‘Style Invitational’.
The requirements this week were to use the two words ‘Lewinsky’ (the Intern) and ‘Kaczynski’ (the Unibomber) in the same limerick.
The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, without bleeps or alterations.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.


And the winning entry:

Lewinksy and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
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Old 13-06-2014, 19:39   #3598
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Re: The Joke Thread

These are genuine websites.

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their website is:
www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look
no further than ' Pen Island '.
It can be found at:
www.penislandpens.com

4. Need a therapist?
Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator'company.
Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com

6. 'IP computer' software can be found at:
www.ipanywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art'
await you at their wacky website:
www.speedofart.com

Coops.
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Old 14-06-2014, 07:37   #3599
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Re: The Joke Thread

I'm too scared to click any o' dem links...
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Old 14-06-2014, 12:30   #3600
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex-Calif View Post
I'm too scared to click any o' dem links...
Well I was dumb curious enough to try. The first two I tried actually lead to a real web site. The third one, Norton anti-virus went berserk and probably saved me from dire consequences.

So a warning. Power Genitalia can be hazardous to your health.
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