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Old 26-05-2014, 17:00   #3556
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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Old 26-05-2014, 18:32   #3557
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Re: The Joke Thread

LOL. I am sure that one goes over well on couples night )
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Old 26-05-2014, 20:01   #3558
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Angry Re: The Joke Thread

A young guy from Manitoba moves to Toronto and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Manitoba."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Toronto. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Manitoba, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the lake, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a 225 hp Lund bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
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Old 26-05-2014, 20:12   #3559
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Re: The Joke Thread

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: "No sir, I do not!
But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is
a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side !!
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Old 27-05-2014, 04:17   #3560
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady...

"I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued...

"For $10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing but, after a couple of minutes, started digging down in her purse.

She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room ?" said the old man.

"Yeah, right... I'm Scottish," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair!!!"

T1 Terry
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Old 27-05-2014, 06:26   #3561
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Re: there is always time for a Lawyer joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
Nope, they are not as accurate as a good quartz watch - certainly no more accurate than my Casio (which is generally good to about 20 seconds a month).
My Casio is much better than that. It resets itself every night at midnight to a signal from Ft. Collins CO. It's never off. Solar powered means I never have to open it up and threaten the watertigh integrity. with compass and barometer in it, too. Gives me moon phase and tides. Pathfinder model.

An old friend of mine who was a navigator in the offshore survey business was killed over a $30 "Rolex". We had each bought them in Singapore. The whole crew was sitting at the old Bugis Street, if you know Singapore. It was a couple years later that I heard about him getting stabbed in a mugging for his watch. I threw mine away after that. Kept great time, too.
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Old 30-05-2014, 02:08   #3562
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Old 30-05-2014, 03:43   #3563
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Re: The Joke Thread

A new rating joined the vessel, after a few days getting board he asked the Mate about a little action.
Mate said, "If you feel the need put your old fella in der" pointing at a hole in the side of a barrel.
The young lad did and got a really nice blow job. He said to the Mate, "that was pretty good, how often can I make myself avail to that".
"As often as you like, but not on Sundays" said the mate.
"So whats with Sunday" said the rating.

"Your turn in the barrel" Said the mate.
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Old 31-05-2014, 17:36   #3564
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Re: The Joke Thread

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After 15 minutes she taps his shoulder and hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture a couple more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch.. he asks the little old lady," Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

" We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate on them."




It pays to be careful around old people!!!

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Old 02-06-2014, 00:58   #3565
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Re: The Joke Thread

Not a joke but interesting.

Click on the picture for low and high tides

BabaMail -The Highs and Lows of the Tide - Beautiful!
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Old 02-06-2014, 01:34   #3566
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man went fishing traveling in his golden car. Dresed in gold holding gold fishing rod, got hookup, it was golden fish. He was about to relse it due to smal size but golden fish, in human voice said -"how about three wishes?". OK, what do you want? He said.
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Old 04-06-2014, 11:12   #3567
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Re: The Joke Thread

Subject: Dear Mr. Page,
Here is an email sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a politically-correct name change proposed earlier for the Washington Redskins.


Dear Mr. Page...

I always love your articles. and I generally agree with them. I would
suggest they change their name to the Washington
"Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the
dick heads in Congress.

Here are some other politically correct issues to consider: I agree
with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the
racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that
to name a professional football team after Native Americans would
exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to
offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we
must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta
Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad
because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then
we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us
white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team
named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to
that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion
among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New
Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh
Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to
our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or
even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a
growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates . Wrong message to
our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong
message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out
to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become
involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing congress loves . . .

As a die-hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in
mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon
State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers."
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Old 04-06-2014, 11:16   #3568
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Re: The Joke Thread

Printers Inc. ( a maker of 3-D printers) is asking all it's customers to please stop printing 3-D printers.
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Old 04-06-2014, 13:38   #3569
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
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Old 05-06-2014, 00:52   #3570
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Re: The Joke Thread

From my "not so politically correct" Australian friends:


Paddy The Firefighter .......

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to Brisbane when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Paddy Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him as well.
Then an abo jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.


Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' down the burnt ones...!!!!"
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