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Old 19-05-2014, 14:27   #3496
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Orange.

How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

12, you gotta problem wid dat?

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny.

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4. 1 to change the light bulb and 3 to sing about how wonderful it was when the old lightbulb was there.

How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb? (used to be ethnic but PC)

5. One to hold the lightbulb and the other 4 to turn the step ladder.

How many lushes does it take to change a lightbulb.

Only one. He lies on the floor holding the bulb and waits for the room to spin.

How many real men does it take to change a lightbulb.

None, they aren't afraid of the dark.
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Old 19-05-2014, 22:02   #3497
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Re: The Joke Thread

Just saw this elseware and thought of you guys.

How I lost my teeth....

Ever been to the Grizzly Rose in Denver?

I was there last night, waiting at the bar for a cold one, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the a$$.

She said "Hey sexy, how 'bout giving me your number!"

I looked at her and said "do you got a pen?"

She said "I sure do honey!"

I replied, "well, you better get back into it before the rancher notices your missing!"


My dentist said he could squeeze me in on Monday
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Old 20-05-2014, 08:46   #3498
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Re: The Joke Thread

A traveling salesman walks into a bar after being on the road for weeks. He is thirsty...and in need of the company of a woman.

He orders a beer, drinks it down, then calls the bartender over.

"I've been traveling for awhile. Do you know where I might be able to find the company of the fairer sex?"

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't have any women in this town."

The salesman laughs and says, "No seriously, where can I find the ladies?"

Bartender replies, "No seriously, we don't have any women in this town. However, if you're really hard up, you can head out that back door. There's a field of sheep..."

The salesman stares at the bartender in disbelief and says, "No way! I'm not that desperate." He orders another beer and says nothing more.

After a few more beers, he's more drunk and more desperate. He calls the bartender back over. "You sure you guys don't have any women in this town?"

"Nope, but the sheep are that way."

Finally horny enough to try anything, the salesman heads out the back door. He's gone for about two hours when he comes back in cuddling with a sheep under his arm.

Everyone in the bar turns to look when the bartender gasps out loud.

The salesman drops the sheep and says, "Hey, I thought you said you guys used the sheep out back!!!"

Bartender says, "Yeah, we do, but that's the sheriff's girl!"
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Old 20-05-2014, 08:49   #3499
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink. After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him. He picks up the man’s drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts crying. ‘Don’t take it like that,’ says the regular. ‘It was a joke. I’ll buy you another one.’ ‘It’s not just that,’ replies the man. ‘This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had been stolen. I get a cab home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then, when I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to this bar and then, when I’ve just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison…’
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Old 20-05-2014, 08:53   #3500
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’
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Old 20-05-2014, 08:54   #3501
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’
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Old 20-05-2014, 08:57   #3502
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Loch Ness Monster squeezes into a Soho bar and orders a shot of whiskey for £8. ‘You’re quite an unusual sight if you don’t mind me saying so, sir,’ said the barman. ‘We don’t get many monsters in here.’ The monster replies, ‘Aye, and at your prices I’m noo surprised.’
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Old 20-05-2014, 09:00   #3503
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
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Old 20-05-2014, 16:13   #3504
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Re: The Joke Thread

I have metal disease...











































silver in my hair
gold in my teeth
lead in my butt...
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Old 20-05-2014, 16:24   #3505
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Re: The Joke Thread

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

...

doesn't mater, they're gonna loose the house anyway.
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Old 20-05-2014, 17:56   #3506
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Re: The Joke Thread

I have metal disease…

__________________________________________________ ________________



Take 2 sacrificial zincs & call your doctor in the morning.
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Old 20-05-2014, 18:18   #3507
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Woodsy View Post
I have metal disease....
Good luck but if not.....
"May you Rust in Peace".
)
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Old 20-05-2014, 21:05   #3508
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
Good luck but if not.....
"May you Rust in Peace".
)
hahahahaha ...

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Old 21-05-2014, 09:15   #3509
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Re: The Joke Thread

For the Aussies
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Old 21-05-2014, 16:13   #3510
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Re: The Joke Thread

When an eel bites your knee
When you're under the sea ...

That's a moray!
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