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Old 27-04-2014, 19:46   #3436
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Re: The Joke Thread

2 merchant marine sailors are sitting in a lifeboat in the North Atlantic Ocean a few days after having their freighter sunk out from beneath them by one of the hated U-boats. They have begun to suffer from the effects of severe thirst. The smarter of the 2 has been fishing and catches a mermaid. After she is hauled aboard she tells the 2 desperate men that if they promise to let her go she will grant them a single wish. Before the smart one can say anything, the dumb one blurts out: "turn the ocean into beer". The mermaid performs her duty and dives back into the ocean. The smarter sailor hits the dumb one with an oar and says: "are you daft, man, now we'll have to pee in the boat"!
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Old 27-04-2014, 19:59   #3437
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Re: The Joke Thread

3 men have been shipwrecked on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean for 15 years. After a storm they find a lamp on the beach. After a knowing glance, one of the men rubs it and a genie appears. "Thank you!, the genie says, says, "for releasing me from the prison I have languished in for the last 500 years. I will now grant each of you a wish".

The first man, lamenting the years away from his family, wishes he was back home to see his wife and children. " I miss them terribly, he cries". The genie sends him on his way. The second man, of much means, says he is keen to return to his many businesses. "I have lost much profit, he says, and I can not trust my creditors". He, too, is sent on his way. The third man, not as wise as the others - a man with no family or estate to return to. A man with nothing in the world but the friendship of his erstwhile companions - he says to the genie, "I miss those guys, please bring them back"!
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Old 27-04-2014, 22:46   #3438
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Re: The Joke Thread

Two men, one from Queensland and the other from New South Wales, were walking on a beach and in the midst of one of their frequent heated 'discussions' about the respective merits of their home states -- Each criticizing the other's home and singing the praises of their own state -- when a bottle washed up on the sand. The Queenslander picked up the bottle; noticed the bottle neck was plugged with a cork; and removed the cork...

Out popped a genie (of course!) who said "Thanks for releasing me! I will now grant you each any wish..."

The Queenslander said "I opened the bottle so I will go first." He then thought long and hard before he said "I want a 100m high wall built around Queensland and I want it to be 10m thick, virtually impregnable so that all the whingers and knockers from NSW are kept out. Queenslanders will then be able to enjoy paradise to themselves!"

The genie said "As you wish master..." and 'Poof!' the great wall appeared.

The genie then turned to the New South Welshman and said "What about you master?"

The New South Welshman pointed at the ocean and said..."Use that to fill it up..."
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Old 29-04-2014, 18:02   #3439
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Re: The Joke Thread

A quick and very silly one.

What name would you call a flounder? Isiah. Because one Isiah than the other.

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Old 29-04-2014, 22:03   #3440
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Believe it or not I sold my old 8-track player a couple weeks ago on craigs list. It was in my 55 chevy that I had in the early 70s. Today the kids have never heard of it.
I've heard of 8-track. But I've never seen one. And I'm not exactly a kid... But maybe that's because I'm from this side of the Atlantic...

I can still remember the revelation hearing my first CD caused. Now I too am dematerialising...
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Old 29-04-2014, 22:05   #3441
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
This also signals that you need to repair the latch on your oven door.
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Old 29-04-2014, 23:01   #3442
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Re: The Joke Thread

Some hilarious marketing names here.

19 Product Name Fails By Companies - Food Name Fails

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Old 29-04-2014, 23:02   #3443
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Re: The Joke Thread

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I've heard of 8-track. But I've never seen one.
how about a wire recorder?

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Old 30-04-2014, 13:26   #3444
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Re: The Joke Thread

Cruise ship sinks, and surviving guy washes up on desert island... Next morning he finds a woman washed up on the beach, alive, and it turns out to be Keira Knightley the actress...

He nurses her back to health and she proclaims her eternal gratitude. Time goes by and our guy seems to be a bit down in the dumps, so Keira asks, "what can I do for you darling?... you know I will do anything you want."

Our guy thinks for a minute, and says... "Ok, put on these jeans, and lean over here so I can draw a mustache on you with this charcoal." Keira looks confused, but goes along with it... "What now my love?", she asks...

"Just walk along the beach until you get to the other side of the island" our guy replies, and sets off in the other direction.

An hour later he meets her in the jeans and mustache coming in the other direction. He runs up and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Dude.... you'll never guess who I been shagging!"
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Old 01-05-2014, 17:10   #3445
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Re: The Joke Thread

...and oldie...

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.


One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old codger is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

"You must be doing well. Only two left."


Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
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Old 01-05-2014, 17:21   #3446
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Woman stops grizzly with 25 caliber berretta

This is a story of self control and marksmanship.
A woman survived a grizzly bear attack
with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.
This is her story, her words:
While hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today!

I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.

It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily.

While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

I love that pistol; I'll find other boyfriends.

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Old 01-05-2014, 17:30   #3447
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Re: The Joke Thread

Love that.

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Old 03-05-2014, 01:09   #3448
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Re: Woman stops grizzly with 25 caliber berretta

Quote:
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I love that pistol; I'll find other boyfriends.
hahaha ... good one mate ...
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Old 03-05-2014, 03:07   #3449
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Re: The Joke Thread

One for the Poms:

Ted had asked his pal Ed to help him out with the deck after work, so Ed just went straight over to Ted's place.

When they got to the door, Ted (an American) gave his wife a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once the two men were working on the deck, Ed said he was surprised that Ted fussed so much over his wife.

Ted said he'd started this about six months ago, and that it had revived their marriage. Things couldn't be better, he said.

Ed thought he'd give it a try.

When he got home, he gave his wife a big hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife, usually somewhat reserved and stoic (being British by birth and upbringing) burst into tears.

Ed asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Jack fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Old 03-05-2014, 03:48   #3450
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Words matter ...

Ed went to see his doctor. "I want to be castrated," Ed said.

"Castrated?" replied the doctor. "Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure," said Ed. "And don't try to talk me out of it Doc, I know it's controversial and everything, but my mind is made up."

An appointment was made and Ed was duly admitted to hospital where the castration was performed.

When Ed woke up in the ward he was surprised to see his old friend Ted in the next bed. "Ted," said Ed. "Fancy bumping into you here. What have you come in for?"

"I've just been circumcised," said Ted.

"Circumcised?" said Ed. "Bugger, that's the word I was looking for."
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