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Old 13-04-2014, 23:37   #3391
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Re: The Joke Thread

I am a magnet for the weird and twisted. That is why I ended up on here with the rest of you lot.

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Old 14-04-2014, 12:29   #3392
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Re: The Joke Thread

My Wife is a weirdo magnet, and I usually have to run them off, but since she is with me, I wonder what that says about me?
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Old 14-04-2014, 12:52   #3393
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quick reminder: The football World Cup in Brazil begins in just a few months.

Many youngsters dream of playing in the big game, which is good, because football teaches our youth ethics, responsibility, team play, and (of course) good sportsmanship.
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Old 14-04-2014, 19:10   #3394
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
I am a magnet for the weird and twisted. That is why I ended up on here with the rest of you lot.
hahaha ...
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Old 14-04-2014, 19:34   #3395
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
I am a magnet for the weird and twisted.
...and that sounds like bragging to us...

Keep'em coming Coops!!
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Old 14-04-2014, 19:36   #3396
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
...and that sounds like bragging to us...

Keep'em coming Coops!!
Never claimed to be modest. Only in appearance.

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Old 14-04-2014, 20:32   #3397
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The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post

Many youngsters dream of playing in the big game

That photo looked like it would be a good game. I remember thinking soccer would be the sport for my sons. Safer than American football, you know...until I saw a high school game where two players went up for a ball, hit heads and went down-out cold! I decided chess was really a sport. Unfortunately, the boys just thought it was cool. 😎
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Old 14-04-2014, 20:42   #3398
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coops View Post
I am a magnet for the weird and twisted. That is why I ended up on here with the rest of you lot.



Coops.

Hey, I resemble that remark! Weird & twisted. LOL.


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Old 15-04-2014, 00:43   #3399
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Re: The Joke Thread

The village priest went out early one sunday morning to gather eggs from his henhouse. He notice his rooster was missing. After looking around the yard without finding it, he decided he would ask his congregation later that morning.
"Tis a small village - one of them will have seen him," he thought.

Later as he was about to begin the service, he said, "Ah before I begin, I'd like to ask, "Who has a cock?"

All the men in the congregation raised their hand.

"No, no," he said flustered. "I mean who has seen a cock?"

All the women in the congregation raised their hand.

"No, no, no," he exclaimed, terribly flustered. "I mean who has seen my cock?"

and all the choir boys raised their hand
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Old 15-04-2014, 09:46   #3400
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Re: The Joke Thread

In the immortal words of Hunter S. Thompson "When the going gets strange, the weird turn pro".
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Old 15-04-2014, 10:26   #3401
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Re: The Joke Thread

Police Officer Test


How do you tell the difference between a standard UK Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and one from Glasgow ?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an angry man armed with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your baton and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my baton and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a baton anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my baton and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie. jawanny drap that knife, noo, unless you want it rammed up yer arse!"
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Old 15-04-2014, 15:58   #3402
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Re: The Joke Thread

Continuing happily along in the poor taste department, this one deserves an Oscar... ...

The new South African toilet door latch...

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Old 15-04-2014, 16:02   #3403
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Re: The Joke Thread

My favourite quip on that subject,Oscar, was " A witness said she saw somebody leaving the scene, she described him as a sawn off man with a shotgun"

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Old 15-04-2014, 18:59   #3404
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Re: The Joke Thread

I believe it was Joe Coleman broadcasting the game when Mickey Rivers was playing centerfield. Now Rivers himself could fill a book of humor. But Coleman's broadcast went like this:

It's deep to center. Rivers is chasing it. He's back to the wall. He hits his head. It is rolling back toward the infield.
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Old 19-04-2014, 07:35   #3405
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Re: The Joke Thread

My wife is thai I hear her singing in thai to our son old Mcdonald has a farm.. I said where did you learn that song? She says oh it a thai song. . I said what? She says yes its a thai song. I said show me one thai farmer named Mcdonald! In the thai version the animals sound different too. Instead of oink oink here and a oink oink there. .. the thai version oot oot here and a oot there everywhere an oot oot.

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